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-   -   Question (http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=1211)

rjsfeminist June 23rd, 2008 10:35 PM

I think I know the answer here, but I still wanted to ask if anyone has any idea one would feel empty/down-in-the-dumps and/or missing loved ones.

Here's where I'm coming from...June 2006, my 16 year old dog died (same week that my husband broke his shoulder)...Then, that October, my husband died, followed by my brother (March, 2007; we were estranged; long story), my 10 year old cat (June 20007), followed by Dad (July. 2007). I'm doing better, but it still all feels weird. Then, Mom got sick...and step-mom isn't doing well, either.

Any idea how long until I start feeling really "normal" again?

Melynn June 24th, 2008 12:08 AM


You've experienced so much loss in such a short time. No one should have to suffer so much. As you already know, it does get better with time, but you had one thing after another all within about a year. You haven't had a chance to get over one loss before another one hit.

Have you gone to talk to anyone? How about a grief and loss support group? How about a puppy or a kitten? ;)

It's different for everyone. You have to give yourself time, but if you really feel you're not bouncing back as quickly as you should, I think maybe talking to someone might help.

I am so sorry for your losses. It's just not fair or right.

BxBaby June 24th, 2008 12:43 AM

I am so sorry for so much lost in such a short time.

My daddy died last July also. You hit the nail on the head when you said you feel weird. That's exactly how I feel...I'm pretty young and have experienced devastating loss and even lost loved ones in a beautiful way...but this, this feels like nothing.. yet at the same time it cuts deep..just weird.

It also sounds like you have the same feelings I do about my mom with yours. Kind of like a wake up call and "omg she may be next" the best way I deal with this new "fear" or "awareness"..(can't tell which) is to spend as much time as I can and enjoy each other now.

Keep pushing forward and If you ever need to talk..don't be shy..pm me.

Again..sorry for your loss.

rjsfeminist June 24th, 2008 02:03 PM

Hey, Bx, I'm sorry to hear about your dad, too. Definitely weird, eh? (And yes, you can PM me, too.)

Melynn, I went through a 6-week (once a week) class at the local Hospice after my husband died. I'm planning to check in with them again, figuring it wouldn't hurt. Also, a friend of mine gave me a kitten between the time our old cat and my dad died. Well, I [i]had[i] to get another kitty to keep the first one company. The two of them are a trip. First one is Karma Kitty, the other one is Drexie Calabash. (Almost named Drexie "Sutra", so they'd be Karma and Sutra.)

But yeah, I think I'll check in with Hospice again.

Thanks, you two.

OkieStorm June 25th, 2008 10:39 AM

You have had so much to deal with. I wish we had chat going like we used to....i think it's coming back, but keep typing...chat or msg boards...share with us. I remember being in chat with tears hitting my keyboard yet still being able to type out to our ((((beloved roomies)))) words and thought that my voice couldn't seem to let out, even to therapist. Grief is like a slow healing wound....get it almost better and something bumps it, refreshing the pain. I hope your bumps are few.

crazymomma June 25th, 2008 02:21 PM

Rj, my dad has been gone 15 years and it does get easier. This week he has been on my mind a lot cause, we buried his only remaining brother. My dad's sister was there and it's the first time I had seen her in about 12 years and it hit me with me in NY and her in NV this is the last time I will most likely ever see her. I don't know what made me cry more. The final good bye to my uncle or know that about my aunt.
I'll say a prayer for you that you will start to feel normal soon. BIG HUGGERS to you.

crazymomma June 25th, 2008 02:21 PM

Rj, my dad has been gone 15 years and it does get easier. This week he has been on my mind a lot cause, we buried his only remaining brother. My dad's sister was there and it's the first time I had seen her in about 12 years and it hit me with me in NY and her in NV this is the last time I will most likely ever see her. I don't know what made me cry more. The final good bye to my uncle or know that about my aunt.
I'll say a prayer for you that you will start to feel normal soon. BIG HUGGERS to you.

rjsfeminist June 28th, 2008 10:56 PM

Thanks for all your kind words, everyone. I can fully understand where you're coming from, crazymomma, between your aunt and uncle.

Oakie, as far as starting to feel better, then having something open the wounds a little...I know exactly what you mean.

Thank goodness, time does seem to help.

IRISH_EYES_99 June 29th, 2008 09:29 PM

(((((((rjs )))))))))), ((((((((( Bx and all ))))))))))), So many losses in a short period of time. When it happens this way it wakes up so many feelings. Yes, do something for you talk to Hospice. Talk to a counselor it really does make a difference when it's someone not connected to the family. Someone who will let you show your emotions. That really is what you need to do. Bless each of you .

nut#3 July 1st, 2008 02:42 AM

(((rjs))). So sorry to hear about your losses. I myself have joined one RL sis here, and lost a RL sis that was a "roomie" here. Many here remember her as "sadielou" even today and we lost her 08-07-98(One of the blackest days of my life). I can promise you, it gets better. But, even today the stabbing sting of loss can open a floodgate of tears. One of the things I think of when the floods try to come is something she taught me to say to myself when and if things ever felt/got too bad..."It wont always feel like this", for me, it helps some. Bless you and yours and hang in there.

roxy red July 1st, 2008 01:20 PM

im sorry for your loss, i lost my husband after six months of marriage may 6, 03 then on june 7th of 07 i lost my best friend, if it wasnt for all the ladies here and my best friend after my husband died, i might have done something stupid. now i dont have my best friend and i just feel lost when i know i neeed her, it doesnt go away, it just lessens some with time.
it feels like a piece is gone, you just have to remember, you still have half,they have the other to hold when they miss you. when you see them again, you are your true whole self again, does that sound right or preachy? its all i know to help me so im trying to help you,

skatemartha July 1st, 2008 06:51 PM

I'm so sorry for all the loss you've had. I experienced something similar in 2000. I was divorced after 12 years, I lost my job of 5 years, and my best friend of 13 years overdosed at the age of 34. I met another guy and suffered 3 misscariages which prompted me to get a tubal ligation. I just couldn't take any more pain or dissappointment. That decision, however, has left me with a whole different kind of grief (as I have no children). Feeling 'Wierd' doesn't even begin to cover it. I felt like I was in another dimension....for some time. Thankfully, I had a good network of people to talk to and I sought counselling. I ended up taking prozac (antidepressant) for a time when I was at my lowest, and I have to say it probably helped to save my life. All I can really tell you is that I talked and talked about all the pain and loss. I kept a journal too. In parting, what I will tell you is that everyone's grief process is different. One of the things that has helped me is knowing that my pain is an indicator of how well I've loved. I have been fortunate to have loved well. People will want you to 'get over it'. don't let 'em push you around or get to you. People don't know how to deal with another person's pain (generally). They don't know how to just sit with it. One day at a time....that's all we've got. Hang in there!!!!! Martha

OkieStorm July 2nd, 2008 10:21 AM

Pain is an indicator of how well you've loved.
What a msg!
all i can say is Wow, how true is that.
Very well said SkateMartha

Kitty P July 12th, 2008 05:04 PM

Loosing a loved one is really tough. My husband's father died in Oct.2001. He was like a second father to me. We were really close. Then in March of 2003, my hysband's step-father passed away. They were never close,but he still took it hard. Then in Sep.of that same year, his brother that was right behind him,died in a terrible bycycle crash. Two cars ran over him after the first one knocked him down. My husband really took it hard. They were very close,but a month before he was killed, they got in a terrible argument over the phone. A week befor he was killed,they did talkbut it was not the same. He feels very guilty about it to this day. I keep reminding him that it was not his fault,but he still feels that it is. He is a little better now, though. Then in Jan. of 2004, his 105yr.old grandmother passed. He was very close to her. She always thought of him as their 12th child because he was with them all the time in the summer,& sometimes in winter. Then in Aug. of 2004, I lost my dad. We were very close. I took it very hard. I am the oldest child, so we were close. To this day,I am still not over it. You see, I seen him a week before he died,& told him I loved him very much. He could not say much,but he smiled & I knew he understood what I was saying. The day he died, I was sleeping,(I work nights),my mom left a message on the answering machine saying,"Kitty, your dad is dead. Bye." She sounded really cold when she said it. The worse of it all is,she had him cremated before us kids(4 of us) could see him & have our final goodbyes. To this day,my sister & I still do not forgive her for that. We feel that we did not have any closure. I do dream of him,& he is telling me that it is ok. But I don't feel that way. Maybe someday I will understand why she die that,but for right now I see it as wrong. Don't get me wrong,I love my mom,& we do get along ok,but we were never close. I do realize that it was hard on her,& she did have her reasons,& one day I will see it differently.

IRISH_EYES_99 July 14th, 2008 11:01 AM

Awww (((Kitty))),
You've had a rough time of it. You didn't say how old your mom is. It's hard very hard.
When things calm down a bit. Talk to your mom about your feelings. Don't stay angry. That anger will eat away at you.
Perhaps it was the best way for her to handle the loss. Your dad will forever be in your heart. Listen to him in the dreams.
He wants you to listen. Not be angry. Move away from that anger.

Glad your hubby got to talk to his brother before he passed. Hope he stops beating himself up over the past. They made amends. His brother would want him to hold on to him in his heart, yet move forward with his life.

Bless each of you. May you find PEACE of mind & heart.

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