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-   -   A Woman's Worth-Do men understand? (http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=2040)

ScornedWoman January 25th, 2011 02:49 AM

A Woman's Worth-Do men understand?
 
Do men understand a what a woman is really worth? I'm beginning to think that they don't. I've been married for 9 yrs, we been together 15yrs. In the beginning (first 3-4yrs), everything was good in every sense of the way. Things changed shortly after that...matter of fact, it was after I said "I do" that I began to see things differently. We have four children who are, now, 15,13,10,7 that love both of us to pieces.

I went through some things that I wouldn't wish on any woman...I considered myself to be a strong woman and told myself it will pass. It started with him not trusting me, thinking I was cheating and verbally abusing me, which all started one morning he woke up from a dream he had. He has never hit me, don't think he ever will (if he knows what's best). The thing about it is, is I don't never go anywhere without him, always in the house, never have company and barely talk on the phone, and I'm still supposed to be cheating.. He doesn't work so it's not like someone was coming over while he was gone. It got so bad that he was saying I had different men, one for different days of the week, that come over and follow me around the house while I bend over and show them something. We have moved into three different houses since the time we got married. Each time I thought things was going to change, but they never did.

Things are calmer now that we've been in church for six years. You would think that would help the situation, which it did a little, but not like I feel it should have. He is the type that if he don't get his way or if something don't go his way, nobody is "happy" It;s like I know when he is bout to get in his moods. When he get started at night time, arguing(with his self, cause I don't join), he usually won't shut up until the next morning, which is so annoying. I put on my headphones after the first couple of minutes so that I don't hear the horrible things he is saying, so he basically be entertaining hiself. I figure if I don't hear it, I won't be as mad as I would if I did hear it. I've recorded him and tried playing it back to him so he could hear how foolish he sounded, but that didn't work. My kids have been woken up plenty of nights from him pacing the floors talking about their mother.

When the next day come, he acts as if nothing ever happened and he never apologize, which bothers me. I still be in my mood and don't want to be bothered with him after he gets like that so I walk around the house like I don't know him (which is wrong). It's not that I don't want to, but he has hurt me so much. I finally give in and talk to him. My friends once told me that he might have a chemical inbalance, which might be so...I live with him, I used to think (and still do) he was a little crazy. Another important factor is, his dad did and still do till this day, his mother the same way and they are still together, so he thinks that it will be the same here, but I'm not his mother, I don't know how much more I can take of him. I used to love him to DEATH, now it's like I just got feelings for him.

To make a long story short, I don't want my kids growing up thinking that it's alright to mistreat woman or take such treatment from men in their relationship. I've plotted to leave him on many occasions, but I haven't followed through with it yet. I feel that my children need him, but should I suffer in the process? He is a good father, but I think he can still be their father without us being together. It is more to this story, I just don't want to go on and on...what do you think I should do? We've tried the counseling thing, that didn't work, he always got mad cause they were "always on my side."

Psss....tomorrow is our anniversary and just the night before he called me "fat azz" during one of his tantrums...he never called me that...and the thing about it is...im 198 pds...i don't consider myself to be overweight, but I have been exercising to lose weight cause I'm unhappy with my weight. So when tomorrow comes, I'm not going to be too thrilled with him.

Elusive Unicorn January 25th, 2011 08:14 PM

Hmm... not realy sure what to say. Maybe anger managemant would help him. Or if it is just a inblance get him into the doctors. This way it will be checked out. Although it sounds to me like a learned behavior. If what you said was true on how he was raised. You said you have been going to church, have you tried talking to your pastor or whatever the head of your church is called as you did not say what kind. This person my be able to give you some sage advise. I hope this helped a little, sorry that I don't have the awnsers. I have never walked down the path you are walking. What ever you do is your own choice. Listen to your heart and stand fasts. I have a feeling you have a rocky road ahead of you.

ScornedWoman January 25th, 2011 10:47 PM

Thank you Elusive Unicorn...My husband and I both sat down with my Pastor and the first Lady and discussed our problems, which didn't help..Actually, after talking with them, the Pastor wanted to see me individually but I never did because my husband was mad and said that it's not none of their business what he does. It's basically a no win situation, but I'm sure GOD will see me through. I pray for him as well as myself and my family and I know GOD will never put more on me than I can bare. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it's going to be a brighter day once my storm is over...Thanks again for your input.

ScornedWoman

Elusive Unicorn January 25th, 2011 11:19 PM

Hey even if I have never walked in your shoes I am still here for you. Sometimes it just feels good to talk about it. I am a very good listioner. Alot of the people here are too. So if you need to vent go for it. We all need an outlet.

Jennifer23 January 25th, 2011 11:28 PM

Hi Scorned, I believe, like you, that there is a reason for things. I think that the mainstream religions don't get this. They talk about "The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost", But I don't think that God is a man, the Father. I think it's way beyond that! I'm not a feminist, I just feel that God created male and female, so this entity is neither.
God is God; above both men and women. And I trust this Being. So, hopefully, God will look out for you.

startingover January 31st, 2011 02:21 PM

Hello scorned, I just want to let you know that I was in the same type of relationship. I was accused of cheating throughout the relationship. It was terrible and very stressful for me and my children. To make a long story short, me and this man were together for about 13yrs off and on. My twins father past away when they were only 8mths old and me and him have a son together. I met this man who seemed to be nice and a good provider. We got serious and that's when everything went downhill, the situation was so bad that I couldn't go see my relatives without an argument. For the most part, I was a prisoner. Only able to go to the store, and if I took to long at the store that was an issue. I tried everything to get threw to this man; counseling, talking, bringing family members in to help, all of those things made my situation worse. Finally I could not take it anymore and I left, and will not return. The issue with men like this is jealousy and insecurity. It has nothing to do with you. You have to control you own destiny and if you are not happy then the alternative is to leave. From my experience I do not think my ex will change. My ex also had a father who use to behave the same way with his mother, and they divorced. So I am not saying that your husband will not change, I am saying he has to recognize that he has a problem, and when he does this he has to go into counseling. With the research I have done about this issue is it takes years for recovery, and 9 out of 10 men do not admit a problem. They will lie to get you back and in a month start with the same behavior.

Good luck to you and I hope things get better.

startingover January 31st, 2011 02:22 PM

Hello scorned, I just want to let you know that I was in the same type of relationship. I was accused of cheating throughout the relationship. It was terrible and very stressful for me and my children. To make a long story short, me and this man were together for about 13yrs off and on. My twins father past away when they were only 8mths old and me and him have a son together. I met this man who seemed to be nice and a good provider. We got serious and that's when everything went downhill, the situation was so bad that I couldn't go see my relatives without an argument. For the most part, I was a prisoner. Only able to go to the store, and if I took to long at the store that was an issue. I tried everything to get threw to this man; counseling, talking, bringing family members in to help, all of those things made my situation worse. Finally I could not take it anymore and I left, and will not return. The issue with men like this is jealousy and insecurity. It has nothing to do with you. You have to control you own destiny and if you are not happy then the alternative is to leave. From my experience I do not think my ex will change. My ex also had a father who use to behave the same way with his mother, and they divorced. So I am not saying that your husband will not change, I am saying he has to recognize that he has a problem, and when he does this he has to go into counseling. With the research I have done about this issue is it takes years for recovery, and 9 out of 10 men do not admit a problem. They will lie to get you back and in a month start with the same behavior.

Good luck to you and I hope things get better.


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