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-   -   Is it wrong to not like the "norm"? (http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=2435)

gottahavehope February 10th, 2012 12:11 PM

Is it wrong to not like the "norm"?
Hello, I'm new here. I just needed advice, from a woman. Preferably a few. I'm nineteen years old, just nine days from being twenty. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for four months now. I actually live with him.

My issue is, I have very low confidence. I never really felt good about myself. At least physically. I do love my personality, heart, and mind however. I love my sense of humor. I love my laugh and I just basically love all what's of me on the inside. I really dislike my body. I'm a large young lady. Very overweight. Now, I don't want to fall into the category of the average human being. Most would say "Oh, then work out, eat healthy and you'll feel better", the thing is, my thought process is thinking "learn to love yourself, accept yourself, appreciate yourself," not to alter it to what I believe someone else would like and therefore their reaction making me feel better. Does that make sense?

Now, my boyfriend (just like most males explaining the use of "norm") likes to check out other women. He would watch porn and handle his business in front of me. We would be in the car and he nearly breaks his neck to turn his head to look at a more fit woman.. And already meeting him with my low self esteem, this made it extremely worse. I sat back for a while, and took it in that he finds other women more attractive than me, because it's portrayed as normal behavior from a male. Why is that so accepted? When I even began to have romantic feelings towards him, I altered how I interacted with males all in general.

Anyway, so, one night we were at the shoe store. (go figure haha) and I picked out my shoes and we were at the register, one of the employees was a very attractive female. He stared her down so hard I thought lasers would should from his eyes to somehow tear her clothes off.. She was aware he was looking, she was aware I was looking at him looking at her, but all he saw were her breasts and nice figure..

That night, I had enough. I broke down in front of him in the car. I didn't say "I hate when you.." or "Why do you.." I simple asked him "Am I crazy or do you stare at women whenever you get the chance?" He was honest, he said he did. Now, if I had confidence, I don't think I'd hurt so much, even if I still had my body. But you know what? After I spilled my guts, and he finally seen me cry over it for weeks, everyday. He finally noticed how I'd get quiet around women. He really felt horrible. He finally would stay up until I stopped crying everynight, he'd hold me and he is now showing me that he cares, that he's sorry, and that he loves me. That's all I wanted. He's changed a lot. And I feel much better compared to those few weeks ago. I still have my moments, but everyone does, you know?

All in all, I'd like to know if it's okay to feel the way I did? Is it okay to actually not like what is "normal" behavior of a male? I watch television shows and just see married men in sitcoms lusting over other women, and their wives accepting it.. I think it's repulsive.. Is that weird I feel differently than what represents love and relationships?

Thank you in advance for advice, or even if you just read this. :)

Wolf_angel February 11th, 2012 10:54 AM

Yes its totally understandable and normal. So dont sweat the small stuff. Now he knows it affects you he is showing you his love and respect. It never bothered me when my "husband" looked at porn, magazines or other women. Yet he has cheated on me and left me for greener pastures. Oh well. I am not ready for another relationship til I get my life in order for myself. I dont want to depend on a man again. Just dont have a lot of reasons to trust them. Yet I have met a man named Sam. He was told outright what is what. He is such a good man and a gentleman for giving me time and etc to get where I want to be. No pressure at all. So if he is patient it may work out. Yet right now I am doing me first. Hugs

IRISH_EYES_99 February 12th, 2012 10:07 PM

My opinion : If he looks to the point of causing you discomfort to say nothing of the female he's staring down at.. then you need to reconsider how much he "loves" you. To make you so uncomfortable & feeling insecure about your looks.. he's wrong.
Looking is one thing.. staring is being obsessive.

You both need to sit down & discuss what is really going on. Don't close your eyes to it. Talk about it. Your confidence is important, if he knows that it's breaking it down then he needs to reacess his actions & be considerate of you. ... As I said this is my opinion.. Think it though.

Wolf_angel February 13th, 2012 06:44 AM

Good points IRISH I guess that is why I defer to your knowledge. Hugs

Sassysam February 23rd, 2012 05:16 PM


Originally Posted by gottahavehope (Post 67326)
I simple asked him "Am I crazy or do you stare at women whenever you get the chance?" He was honest, he said he did.

Good for him, shame on you. It's natural so you should start admiring the beefy guys you see everyday - just becuase they look good doesn't mean you want them! It's natural to admire other humans don't let it get to you.

Wolf_angel March 3rd, 2012 09:51 PM

Yes I used to let the hubby do this...now I dont care cause he cheated on me. He can do whatever and whoever just leave me alone.

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