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-   -   Married and in Love with my best friend (http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=2495)

click May 3rd, 2012 09:37 AM

Married and in Love with my best friend

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'vebeen in Love with my best friend for the past 5years or so, I'm married with 3 children and I know I'm a lesbian through therapy for the past few months. My real struggle at the moment is how to tell my husband. My friend has been struggling with her feelings for the past few years. I haven't even managed to tell her how I feel for her and I worry about losing her friendship of I do. At the moment I would just love to meet someone I could have all my emotional needs met. Sometimes I feel a huge amount of anxiety, How hard is it to come out to my husband?? I don't feel any connection to him anymore but love him being here for our children.:(

Synful_Poet May 3rd, 2012 10:15 AM

Welcome to WOW.

Wow, that's a tough situation to be in and question to answer. Been there, done that, btw. Not a fun conversation to have, under any circumstances.

I think my answer is really going to depend on how well you know your husband. How does he feel about gays in general? Do you think the love he has for you is unconditional? Is he abusive at all and I'm not just talking physically?

I might have to think about this one a bit. There are just so many variables to factor in.

click May 3rd, 2012 11:25 AM

Ah cheers Synful, my husband is a very nice person and wouldn't have any issues around homosexuality. We have been Carers and have cared for a number of young gay men and he has been so kind and accepting. My fears are of hurting him and scared of what changes he might insist on. Thanks so much for your quick reply, its great to know other people are or have gone through the same...

Synful_Poet May 3rd, 2012 03:12 PM

Okay, so I'm probably going to be all over the place here...so bare with me.

I'm pretty new to this situation as well , and I do understand how frustrating and complicated it can be.

First, don't use the words, "I think I'm a lesbian" or "I think I might be gay". In my experience, these words (think and might) leave room for doubt; and will most likely lead your husband to the conclusion that you're not "sure"...that maybe you're just bisexual and in that case, things don't have to change much...that maybe he's not trying hard enough. I regret using these words!

For me... I love my husband, I'm just not in love with him. I feel bad that I can't reciprocate the feelings he shows to me. No, I take that back, I feel like garbage because I can't do that for him. When I came out and told my husband that I was a lesbian; he said that he was okay with it and that he would try to be understanding. As the weeks have gone by though, I know he doesn't understand and I'm not sure he ever will. Sometimes I just wish he didn't love me so much...that we had a horrible marriage because then I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm breaking his heart. I mean how am I supposed to justify my happiness over his. Ugh, the whole thing just SUCKS!!

But i digress...

Honestly, I just don't think there is any good way to tell someone who loves you that it's impossible for you to feel the way they feel. This is who you are, don't ever apologize for that.

As for your friend...well... Okay, so although I'm not in love with my best friend, I still hesitate to tell her I'm a lesbian. I just don't think I could take a rejection of that magnitude, from her of all people. So, I get that part anyway. You said that you're friend has been struggling with her feelings as well. I take this to mean that perhaps she thinks she could be a lesbian as well. If I'm wrong in my assumption then disregard everything I'm about to say. If I'm right, however, I would suggest talking to her about why she thinks this or has these feelings. Who knows...maybe, just maybe, she feels the same things you do.

Okay, I think that's all I've got. I hope you can find something useful in all that mess above. I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep me posted as to how things are working out for you; I'd really like to know. Have a great day! :)

click May 3rd, 2012 05:11 PM

Thanks so much for your advice, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. A bit of me doesn't want my husband to understand, I know be loves me deeply, however I know I'm not meeting his needs and vice versa. Its courage I need to find and exactly how to say it, I definitely won't be using the words I Think cheers for that. As for my friend, she revealed to me 2 years ago she might be bi, and of course this made things 100/ Worse!! I truely know I don't want to start this journey with her I would love it for the two of us to go on our own and see what happens. Its great to chat here, thanks so much..

Synful_Poet May 3rd, 2012 11:47 PM

It's been great talking to you, too! It's nice to be able to talk to someone that's going through the exact same thing.

You should stick around, get to know some of the other girls. They are extremely nice, non judgmental, and we make each other laugh (which is great therapy). ;)

justjanenh May 7th, 2012 09:58 PM

I agree with Syn... doing this myself.... Its hard....



tomcruise May 30th, 2012 04:13 AM

That is the site i was searching of !
I am in love with my best friend name suisin and i try to propose her but i didn't dare to tell her !
Then first day i proposed her but she refused and tell she is engaged with another person and is marrying soon ! :(
I try to convince her very much but she didn't heard me and now i have heard that she didn't marry her so please tell me any advice to convince and to express my feelings :/

txnurse1962 June 14th, 2012 02:00 PM

Married and lesbian
HI everyone, my name is Toni. I was browsing websites, and came across this one. I have often wanted to be able to discuss my feelings with others that understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm 49 yrs old, and have been married to my husband for 27 years. I have always struggled with my sexuality...especially for the past 15 yrs or so. I have had relationships with women over the years, and have regretably hurt people along the way. In my eyes, I was giving myself what I needed/wanted, and at the same time, keeping my family intact. Stupid! I realized I was only making matters worse. For several years now, I've remained faithful to my husband, but I am unhappy. I struggle with sex, and that in turn, causes problems in our relationship. I know that my heart is with a woman. I realized that a long time ago. I feel "at home" with a woman. However, I am struggling with the thought of hurting him again, and our kids. We have 2 grown children and one in high school. I feel very selfish for even entertaing the idea, but honestly, I don't know how to feel any other way. Not sure why I'm positng this. I suppose there are no clear-cut answers. I think I was just hoping there might be someone out there that has been faced with similar circumstances, and someone that might understand and possibly give me some direction. Thanks in advance. :)

seb10109 September 15th, 2012 11:54 AM

Me too....
I am in a simular situation. I have a best friend since we were 18/17 and always knew we were more but chose never to fully act upon it. We went our separate ways about seven years ago and lost contact for a few years. I am now married to my husband of five years with two boys and earlier this year my best friend and I stepped way over the line. Since then I told my husband he was upset but was ok with it. She moved in with us (she was in TN and we are in TX) since then we've had a threesome once with my husband. That was soon after she moved down early in the summer. Since then her and I have had many relationships with each other when he isn't around. She is super close with my family, she is the adopted daughter. Recently I have realized I am bi-sexual and totally in love with her and can't live without her. I told my husband last night and he was so/so ok with it I explained that he would have to be the one to divorce me but I am in love with them both. In reality I'm not in love with him I Just love him but I want this family thing to work. He is ok with us as long as I still give him the attention he needs and we aren't confusing our children. He is fully aware if anything were to happen between him and I she is the only person I want to be with. So I want comments, ppl that understand in similar situations.... advice. I love my husband but I will not lose my best friend. She is my soul mate not him we just are married with children and I want us all to be a family together. ???

seb10109 September 19th, 2012 12:41 AM

Jane I'm there too... but my hubby doesn't uderstand and my best friend is as much in love with me as I am with her. I'm just having a hard time with my two children...

Originally Posted by justjanenh (Post 68559)
I agree with Syn... doing this myself.... Its hard....



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