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SecondAct August 19th, 2012 02:43 AM

Sexual Identity Question
 
I am in my early 40s, have been married twice, have two grown children.

I had a moment of sudden clarity that overwhelmed me recently, where I acknowledged I am a lesbian. It knocked me on my butt, so to speak, to realize this. It was as if everything in life fell into place when I acknowledged this. But I have some questions about my sexual identity that I feel lost in interpreting. But first some background:

I dated a LOT of boys growing up. I had literally dozens of marriage proposals, but I was always indifferent to men .I would be in serial relationships, but always because I didn't know how to turn down a seemingly nice boy who asked me out (i know that sounds lame, but it is true - I had no clue how to handle sexual attention). I should add that I was sexually abused as a child, and had a mother who made repeated suicide attempts. So the attention was also comforting.

Looking back, I realize I have always crushed heavily on my girlfriends . BUT - this is where i get confused, and question if I am REALLY gay or if i am just confused. See - most of my life I haven't gotten along with most women - I have had mostly guy friends. But there has always been one woman I have a friendship with that I have always described as "Falling in Love as Friends" - really intense friendship that is usually more bonded than any romantic relationship with a man I had going on. My only other reason for not getting along with other women (other than the friend I would be intensely bonded with) had to do with jealousy - I couldn't handle the catty jealousy that would present over male attention. UGH. SO I would avoid women like the plague, other than my current girl crush.

Also, on multiple occasions I practiced kissing with girl friends, kissed in bars, etc. As I got older I had ''encounters'' with several women, but always (mortified to say this) saw these encounters as ''dismissive'' - they didn't count somehow. Even though they were mindblowingly better than any heterosexual relationships I had. I just couldn't allow myself to consider them as legitimate. And whenever I had sex with men, i always fantasized about women... sigh. Confusing. Though I am sure it has something to do with the family mindset I grew up with.

To confuse matters more, I would be only drawn to feminine looking men - pretty boys - but with aggressive behavior. I wanted men who would be rough in bed. But I have no other BDSM tendencies. WHAT I THINK was going on with me was this:

* I crushed on girls because I was likely a lesbian all along
* I sought pretty boys because they were very girl-ish
* But I wanted them aggressive in bed because I *did* have a sex drive, but had no interest in seducing them. In other words, if they were aggressive and would ''take me'' as if by force (not exactly rape, but I would want to be tied up, etc) - I think it was my way of surrendering to sex with men without feeling like it was of my own choosing. Because growing up in the family I did, it would be NOT COOL to be gay, whatsoever.

Am I just a mess, or is this not so uncommon for someone in denial about their sexuality...? You know, the whole ''seeking aggressive men'' so that one didn't have to really be fully accountable for choosing male partners, etc...?

I know it maybe doesn't matter, but I want to understand why I gravitated to such men, because I have no interest in being treated like that otherwise. It was a behavior that never ''fit'' with who I otherwise am. And so I had this kind of eureka moment where I realized maybe this is why I have been behaving as I have all these years. SIGH. I guess I am just a big mess - I never realized how twisted my wee brain could be. Is it just me....???

Would love to hear feedback from anyone who has heard of such a thing or experienced it themselves...?

Thank you!

talktome August 22nd, 2012 10:57 PM

First please don't think of yourself as being a big mess, especially not after that well thought out post you just wrote. If you were a mess, you couldn't have figured all that out about yourself, nor be willing to face it.

I'm no psychologist, but I think you nailed exactly what you have been doing in your life to avoid facing your attraction to women. I understood exactly what you meant by wanting men to 'take you' as a way for you to feel it was somehow not your choosing. I have never been with a man sexually, but when I was young I used to fantasize about women "taking me against my will" because I could not let myself voluntarily be with a woman. There was no way my family would accept that I was gay, and I was having a hard time accepting it myself, not because I was in denial because I've always known. I just knew the people in my life would not accept my being gay, my social circle, and my family. So I knew deep inside I was a lesbian, but I wouldn't allow myself to act on it out of fear. I put up walls around myself to keep everyone out. I couldn't be who I really was, so I would only let people in so far before I pushed them away. I feared being found out who I really was. Before I knew it I blinked and I was 40 and still doing the same thing. You are wiser than I am. You are facing your fear, facing your issues and wanting to address them. Maybe even finally be who you really are inside. Don't end up like me, alone and looking back at a life filled with fear. Live the life you want, be who you are, and don't let anyone make you feel less-than! I wish you luck and love!

Maureen August 22nd, 2012 11:56 PM

I dont think you are a lesbian with these descriptions,people do have sexual issues,that doesnt mean they are gay.

Babyle August 24th, 2012 05:03 AM

Follow your heart
 
I think at first you have to accept the fact of who you are. i also advice you to follow your heart not to make any mistakes that will effect you emotionally.

Synful_Poet August 26th, 2012 01:53 PM

I agree with talktome. As someone who has also just recently gone thought this same realization, I know how off guard it can catch you and what a loop it can throw you for. But, it sounds to me like you've figured it all out quite well on your own. :)


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