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Old November 16th, 2011, 01:33 AM   #83
cali75
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I relate to so many of these posts... I can just say I wish I'd had the courage to make a bigger move/ take more time for myself to figure things out when I was younger.

I recently married my boyfriend of 10 years. He is a wonderful man, kind, supportive, funny, smart, good to my family and friends, a true friend. I knew since the day I met him that I didn't feel that spark, but always pushed it out of my head for all those other reasons - and because I knew he adored me.

Now, backing up - about 6 years ago I started an affair with a close friend at work - what started out as one night of casual flirtation turned into years of a time spent together, though I always kept it secret. We had that passionate spark and spent tons of time working together, on trips, weekends, etc. He maintains that he never (and still doesn't) want to be in a committed relationship with me or anyone else, so as a result it was easy to live a double life... a secure, friendly one with my now husband and still have that exciting, passionate experience with this other man. I came close to breaking up with my boyfriend a few years ago, but talked myself out of it because I knew this other man would never want to truly share a life or be needed by me. I forced myself to pull away from him emotionally, felt terrible about what I was doing and was just so frustrated and emotionally exhausted by wanting something that wouldn't ever be real. Over the past 2-3 years, daily time dwindled to weekly time and then to only monthly time together. Recently his sister got sick, and he started spending every weekend with her - for 6 months, we have barely seen each other outside of the office. I can't say if it was coincidental or not, but during this time my actual live-in boyfriend said he thought we should get married. I accepted the proposal and was so happy on my wedding day, feeling that I finally made a smart decision.

Now this other man, who I still work with, and have maintained a friendship with, is seeing someone else (which oddly enough only happened one other brief time in all those years). Thinking about it makes me feel physically sick even though I know I should be over him and moving on with my life. How can I change the way I feel? What if I've made a horrible mistake, and should have just tried being alone for awhile, years ago? Is it impossible to find everything in one person? Or should I have been looking for Option C all along? Please don't judge me... I just don't want to believe I'm alone in this sort of emotional confusion.
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