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Old January 2nd, 2012, 01:48 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Low self esteem, father who makes me nervous.

I'm 23, a student about to start my PhD. In school and after, I was never the one with highest marks, but would always do well enough in my studies. In my kind of family, this is very very important. But I did lots of other stuff. I'm not a great musician but I know I can move a roomful of people with my music. I have won pretty big prizes for music and for writing.
How is it that in spite of all this, I can't hold my own in front of my dad? My dad is a very high-strung person. He is always in a temper. Little things make him angry. I fear very much, that I will also become like him. I find myself sometimes flying off the handle, my heart races, I want to throw something. Sometimes I do. But this is really because I'm bad at reasoning. I get emotional. Then out of helplessness sometimes I throw stuff. But more often, I just cry. And I'm nervous most of the time because I never know what he will scream at next. Now, on this forum, I read about abuse and serious stuff, and I think, is it that bad?
And if I think clearly, I know that I love my dad because there are a lot things I like about him. He taught me a lot. Definitely. When he's not all worked up, we have a good time.
I don't want to turn bitter and hate him for the bad things, because I know in my heart he's not all bad. I don't know why he's angry/irritated so often.
Anyhow, I just want to know what I can do to keep myself calm. Because dad is not the kind of person you can talk to and reason with. Trust me, I've tried. My own fear is making me feel terrible. I cry, I can feel my whole body tense up, I want to run away. I want to figure out a way to be ok, which doesn't involve some Oprah-style talk with a counsellor, because some people will just never change, but I want my life to be less filled with tension now.
Hope this is not too long and boring! Thank you, whoever reads this. Wanted to get it off my chest!

Last edited by Jugni; January 2nd, 2012 at 01:57 PM. Reason: Thought that it was a mistake to share my real profession and details that could show who I am.
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