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Old January 2nd, 2012, 02:28 PM   #16
Jugni
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
This sounds so familiar! I was/am in the same situation!

Hi there LittleOrange,
I was looking for the right thread in this forum to post my own problems with my boyfriend with whom I am currently in the process of splitting up. I'll tell you some things about him and me:
1. We both come from a society where most everyone speaks more than one language. Now, he and I have English and another language X in common. In addition, he also speaks Y, and I speak Z. Now, he doesn't like X because of some cultural reasons. But for me, the language of intimacy/friendship/anything personal is X!! He actually made a huge fuss about this, so finally I would check myself before saying even a word in that language, even though he understands it perfectly well. On the flip side, I actually began to learn his language Y, even though I am not from the place he's from. So, I was making an effort to get to know his culture (hearing only his language music, watching only those movies, talking to him in his language). And what was he doing? Picking fault because he didn't like my language. This may not be such a big thing, but the question is, WHY DID I CHANGE FOR THIS MAN? Why should I give up part of my identity for him?

2. Once, we were in the middle of a fight when my good friend showed up and wanted to meet me. So I went out for some coffee with her. After a while, she asked me to come over to her house for a girls' night out, because it was getting late and we had lots to talk about. But my guy was really pissed because he felt I had no right to walk out in the middle of a fight. It became a huge issue. WHY? I told him that we were always fighting anyway, what difference does it make if I stall one? He unnecessarily turned it into "You chose your friend over me". Really? Did I? And even if I did, SO WHAT?! I once didn't go over to this friend's place when she was ill and all alone because many such incidents had happened and I was afraid that my guy would be really mad if I wasn't with him on his day off.
He always quoted to me this one time when I brushed off a friend so I could be with him: he claimed that I don't really care for my friends anyway, and brush them off, so I was just a hypocrite. Now, I think, WHO CARES if I blew off by friend one day? How the hell does this man know whether my bond with my friend allows us the occasional snub? It's MY BUSINESS!! JUST MINE!!

People control in all sorts of ways. If you meet someone in future who can make you feel guilty when your instinctive reaction was not one of guilt, ask yourself: "Am I really changing my instinct, or am I just trying to avoid confrontation?" Don't be with a guy if he can convince you to be something your heart tells you you're not.
I have had months of turmoil and am finally breaking up with my boyfriend. It's just a matter of dividing the boxes now. I still feel guilty. Why? Is it so wrong to get out of a relationship in which you are not happy? No, it's not. But he made me feel bad about doing things I do normally. Things which I expect my partner to be ok with, really basic things which I would never imagine anyone objecting to!
The only one who should control you is YOU. You are your own best judge.
I feel lighter and fresher after all this venting! Thank you for listening and I hope this is not very spam-ish!!

Take care, and don't fall for any more controllers!
Jugni

P.S. I'm on holiday. I hope that when I get back and meet him I can stand by my own decision to break up. I love so many things about him, but I also hate so many things that I just want out. I hope I am not convinced or guilted into staying, yet again. Give me strength!
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