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Old August 19th, 2012, 02:43 AM   #1
SecondAct
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1
Sexual Identity Question

I am in my early 40s, have been married twice, have two grown children.

I had a moment of sudden clarity that overwhelmed me recently, where I acknowledged I am a lesbian. It knocked me on my butt, so to speak, to realize this. It was as if everything in life fell into place when I acknowledged this. But I have some questions about my sexual identity that I feel lost in interpreting. But first some background:

I dated a LOT of boys growing up. I had literally dozens of marriage proposals, but I was always indifferent to men .I would be in serial relationships, but always because I didn't know how to turn down a seemingly nice boy who asked me out (i know that sounds lame, but it is true - I had no clue how to handle sexual attention). I should add that I was sexually abused as a child, and had a mother who made repeated suicide attempts. So the attention was also comforting.

Looking back, I realize I have always crushed heavily on my girlfriends . BUT - this is where i get confused, and question if I am REALLY gay or if i am just confused. See - most of my life I haven't gotten along with most women - I have had mostly guy friends. But there has always been one woman I have a friendship with that I have always described as "Falling in Love as Friends" - really intense friendship that is usually more bonded than any romantic relationship with a man I had going on. My only other reason for not getting along with other women (other than the friend I would be intensely bonded with) had to do with jealousy - I couldn't handle the catty jealousy that would present over male attention. UGH. SO I would avoid women like the plague, other than my current girl crush.

Also, on multiple occasions I practiced kissing with girl friends, kissed in bars, etc. As I got older I had ''encounters'' with several women, but always (mortified to say this) saw these encounters as ''dismissive'' - they didn't count somehow. Even though they were mindblowingly better than any heterosexual relationships I had. I just couldn't allow myself to consider them as legitimate. And whenever I had sex with men, i always fantasized about women... sigh. Confusing. Though I am sure it has something to do with the family mindset I grew up with.

To confuse matters more, I would be only drawn to feminine looking men - pretty boys - but with aggressive behavior. I wanted men who would be rough in bed. But I have no other BDSM tendencies. WHAT I THINK was going on with me was this:

* I crushed on girls because I was likely a lesbian all along
* I sought pretty boys because they were very girl-ish
* But I wanted them aggressive in bed because I *did* have a sex drive, but had no interest in seducing them. In other words, if they were aggressive and would ''take me'' as if by force (not exactly rape, but I would want to be tied up, etc) - I think it was my way of surrendering to sex with men without feeling like it was of my own choosing. Because growing up in the family I did, it would be NOT COOL to be gay, whatsoever.

Am I just a mess, or is this not so uncommon for someone in denial about their sexuality...? You know, the whole ''seeking aggressive men'' so that one didn't have to really be fully accountable for choosing male partners, etc...?

I know it maybe doesn't matter, but I want to understand why I gravitated to such men, because I have no interest in being treated like that otherwise. It was a behavior that never ''fit'' with who I otherwise am. And so I had this kind of eureka moment where I realized maybe this is why I have been behaving as I have all these years. SIGH. I guess I am just a big mess - I never realized how twisted my wee brain could be. Is it just me....???

Would love to hear feedback from anyone who has heard of such a thing or experienced it themselves...?

Thank you!
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