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Old August 22nd, 2012, 10:57 PM   #2
talktome
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1
First please don't think of yourself as being a big mess, especially not after that well thought out post you just wrote. If you were a mess, you couldn't have figured all that out about yourself, nor be willing to face it.

I'm no psychologist, but I think you nailed exactly what you have been doing in your life to avoid facing your attraction to women. I understood exactly what you meant by wanting men to 'take you' as a way for you to feel it was somehow not your choosing. I have never been with a man sexually, but when I was young I used to fantasize about women "taking me against my will" because I could not let myself voluntarily be with a woman. There was no way my family would accept that I was gay, and I was having a hard time accepting it myself, not because I was in denial because I've always known. I just knew the people in my life would not accept my being gay, my social circle, and my family. So I knew deep inside I was a lesbian, but I wouldn't allow myself to act on it out of fear. I put up walls around myself to keep everyone out. I couldn't be who I really was, so I would only let people in so far before I pushed them away. I feared being found out who I really was. Before I knew it I blinked and I was 40 and still doing the same thing. You are wiser than I am. You are facing your fear, facing your issues and wanting to address them. Maybe even finally be who you really are inside. Don't end up like me, alone and looking back at a life filled with fear. Live the life you want, be who you are, and don't let anyone make you feel less-than! I wish you luck and love!
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