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Old September 18th, 2006, 01:39 PM   #8
irishayes59
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 10
I've been having a really hard time cutting off contact from OM, been dealing with oldest daughter's entrance into college and a 22 year old boy friend, MLC and menopause issues, and now am in the midst of a full blown depressive episode. When I used to get like this, I drank. Not a good idea, so I gave that up.(still fighting that battle tho) Then I took up with the OM and could talk to him. Again, not a good idea. So I've been trying to turn more to my husband as a friend. I've just been trying to include him in my thoughts and ramblings that I didn't before. Those were the things I talked to OM about. So the whole concept is pretty new for him. The things that I think would make him really uncomfortable, I save for online or my journal.
One thing I did share with him this weekend is the feeling of total despair that just overcomes me, to the point that I really feel it would be better for everyone if I wasn't around. I'm not having suicidal ideations, just thinking of that pain I've caused and will probably continue to cause, and the pain that I am in. I've suffered from depression (You notice that they always refer to it as "suffering from depression") since I was a teenage. I see the signs in my girls. I wonder how much of my problems were made worse by my mother, and how much worse I'm going to make the girls lives. He has a hard time with that, because to him, it's not real. I describe it as "cancer of the soul" and he kind of gets that, but he still gets confused, scared and frustrated. (Join the club). His family just didn't talk about or deal with things like that. Of course, mine didn't either which is why they all think I'm a head case because I admit I have a problem and try to seek help for it.
If you've been through it with your wife, you know what I mean.
Anyway, instead of staying in bed and calling in sick today, I came to work. I made an appointment with my doctor to talk about things and maybe try a med change, and I've managed to stay away from the OM.
What scares me is, will I have the strength to do it again tomorrow?
I've tried counselors who've told me everything from "I'm harboring antagonistic feelings toward my younger brother because he has Down's Syndrome" to I should "have an affair and express myself" (Yeah, like that worked.) Are there any normal therapists out there who will actually help you deal with things and change your beliefs, instead of just muttering, "How does that make you feel?"
I feel so very alone.
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