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Old May 11th, 2002, 07:03 PM   #5
Angel_Wolf
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 333
Smile Here is a good one for Mother's Day

> Mom's Dictionary
>
> AIRPLANE:
> What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained
> beets.
>
> ALIEN:
> What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted
> a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
>
> APPLE:
> Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for
> cupcakes.
>
> BABY:
> 1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
> 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
>
> BATHROOM:
> a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except
> Mom) to be self-cleaning.
>
> "BECAUSE":
> Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be
> explained logically.
>
> BED AND BREAKFAST:
> Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
>
> CARPET:
> Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
> off shoes.
>
> CAR POOL:
> Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds
> up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who
> have had the most sugar.
>
> CHINA:
> Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
> leftover vegetables.
>
> COOK:
> 1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
> 2) Mom's other name.
>
> COUCH POTATO:
> What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat
> dinner.
>
> DATE:
> Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying
> about the kids in a different setting.
>
> DUST:
> Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home
> into a battle zone.
>
> EAR:
> A place where kids store dirt.
>
> EAT:
> What kids do between meals, but not at them.
>
> ENERGY:
> Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
> asked to do something.
>
> "EXCUSE ME":
> One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
> times by children.
>
> EYE:
> The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom,
> can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a
> carelessly handled butter knife.
>
> FABLE:
> A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
>
> FOOD:
> The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
> "What's for dinner tonight?"
>
> GARBAGE:
> A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
> assigns to a different family member each week, then winds
> up doing herself.
>
> GENIUSES:
> Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
>
> GUM:
> Adhesive for the hair.
>
> HAMPER:
> A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
> not containing, dirty clothing.
>
> HANDI-WIPES:
> Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
>
> HANDS:
> Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic
> soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
> consumption of the evening meal.
>
> HINDSIGHT:
> What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
>
> ICE:
> Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
> tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of
> putting them back in the freezer empty.
>
> INSIDE:
> That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
> Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready
> to go outside.
>
> "I SAID SO":
> Reason enough, according to Mom.
>
> JACKPOT:
> When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
>
> JEANS:
> Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
> occasion, including church and funerals.
>
> JOY RIDE:
> Going somewhere without the kids.
>
> JUNK:
> Dad's stuff.
>
> KETCHUP:
> The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that
> Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the
> seasoning just right.
>
> KISS:
> Mom medicine.
>
> LAKE:
> Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
> friends do so.
>
> LEMONADE STAND:
> Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix,
> sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
> pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six
> minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
>
> MAYBE:
> No.
>
> MILK:
> A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
> turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
>
> "MOMMMMMMM!":
> The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
>
> NAILS:
> A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
> have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice,
> opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts
> to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
>
> OCEAN:
> What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
> assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several
> dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
>
> OPEN:
> The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
> company.
>
> PENITENTIARY:
> Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
> rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
>
> PETS:
> Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
> someone else to clean up after.
>
> PIANO:
> A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
> of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids
> will refuse to play in front of company.
>
> PURSE:
> A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
> never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers,
> a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
> restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a
> grocery list and several outdated coupons.
>
> QUIET:
> A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of
> the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
> for college.
>
> RAINCOAT:
> Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
> rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker
> stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
> "the geeky thing."
>
> REFRIGERATOR:
> Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
>
> ROOM MOTHER:
> A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed
> on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
>
> SCHOOL PLAY:
> Ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
> offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous
> historic events.
>
> SCREAMING:
> Home P.A. system.
>
> SNOWSUITS:
> Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
> and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting
> children from the cold and reminding them that they have
> to go to the bathroom.
>
> SOAP:
> A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance
> one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching
> for the towel.
>
> SPOILED ROTTEN:
> What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes
> with Grandma.
>
> SWEATER:
> Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward
> away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
>
> TERRIBLE TWO'S:
> Having both kids at home all summer.
>
> "THAT WAY":
> How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's
> good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
>
> TOWELS:
> See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
>
> TROUBLE:
> Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure
> to be in.
>
> UMPTEENTH:
> Highly conservative estimate of the number of
> times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something
> before it actually gets done.
>
> VACATION:
> Where you take the family to get away from it all,
> only to find it there, too.
>
> VITAMINS:
> Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
> swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot
> to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
>
> WALLS:
> Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes
> with every room.
>
> WASHING MACHINE:
> Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
> permanent ink markers, loose change, homework,
> tissues and wads of gum.
>
> XOXOXOXO:
> Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
> embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more
> mortifying.
>
> XYLOPHONE:
> Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to
> children who show their appreciation by playing the
> stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long!
> See also "DRUMS"
>
> YARD SALE:
> Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to
> sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides
> at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't
> bear to part with.
>
> ZILLION:
> Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
> already this week.
>
> ZUCCHINI:
> Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
> before kids refuse to eat it.
>
>
> You Know You're A Mother When...
>
> 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
> they're equal.
>
> 2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
>
> 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
>
> 4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
>
> 5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
>
> 6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
>
> 7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes
> and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
>
> 8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
> the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
>
> 9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child
> chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
>
> 10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your
> child eats.
>
> 11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
>
> 12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
>
> 13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute
> shapes.
>
> 14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
>
> 15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you
> say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
>
> 16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
>
> 17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
> that disease.
>
> 18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your
> husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
>
> 19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
>
> 20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
> but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
>
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