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Old August 14th, 2001, 09:33 AM   #1
Motown
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Just curious as to how the grands feel about raising another generation...




As a Stump ( grandparent) I have found mixed feelings to be a big part of this.
On one hand, you want the best for all concerned...
On the other hand, the house was almost mine! almost....
and then there is always the part where, my life was almost mine,too.
I went to school to ge ready to join the workforce and instead I have a degree and a grandkid to care for.
I wish I could have had some input into this..
According to stats: 2.5 mil grandparenst are raising the grandkids...

How about you? You raising the grandbabies? How do you feel about it?

Last edited by Sysop; October 25th, 2009 at 12:52 AM.
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Old August 14th, 2001, 11:15 AM   #2
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I feel ill for you. I have friends who are raising grandchildren, and they are very happy. It has changed their life plans drastically, though. He decided not to retire until 70 so that he can keep the kids on his insurance for as long as possible. She isn't going back to work, but instead is on the PTA ... again. This time though, she's been through enough that she's not intimidated by schools or other parents. She comfortable with the mother role, and isn't searching out ways to do things better. She says that now she has the opportunity to parent these children (2) in a better way than she did their mother. She blames herself though for all her daughter's problems. I find that really sad, it's almost like she's out to prove she can do a good job parenting someone. Still, they have resolved to do the best they can. They are the legal guardians, and they take their role seriously. In many ways, they are both younger and more active than they have been in the past. All in all, it's not a terrible situation. The kids are safe from their addictive mother and her line of boyfriends. The grandparents are coping with the change in their life plans. I think the key here is that they are raising these children together. They both made a committment to the kids and they are both sticking to it. The kids are now 11 and I think 8 or 9. I'd do the same thing if I had to for the sake of the children, but it would suck big time.
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Old August 14th, 2001, 11:33 AM   #3
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Motown, your telling remark was this: "I wish I had had some input into this." No one asked if you would do what you are doing? Did you just passivly accept your new position? Just wondering. Years ago all cultures were dependent on extended family. I think the natural roll of grandparents is to help in the rearing of their grandchildren, but not have the total responsibility. I like the biblical roll of women helping women and being surrounded by mothers,sisters, aunts, grandmothers and cousins to help in times of sickness, the curse and generally sharing family responsibilities. But we live in a modern world don't we, where families are divided by sometimes thousands of miles, and grandmas have their own busy careers and sisters are appearing on the Jerry Springer show and having fistfights over boyfriends and daddies are absent either by their own will or by career demands. *sigh* I wish there were an easy answer for you. I don't know all the circumstances of your daughter/son who has availed themself of your generous nature. Perhaps a truce of part time care for the grandchild would be an answer for you so that you do not become resentful or overburdoned. Maybe you just need to put that degree to work and get a job outside the house going and say I'm sorry but you will have to find other daycare. Or maybe you can tell yourself what tupi pointed out in her post, that your mistakes and experiences as a parent can be put to use for this child. At any rate good luck with your roll as grandma/ma.
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Old August 15th, 2001, 07:21 PM   #4
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I watch my sister raising her grandson after the death of her son, and it amazes me how much change it meant to the entire family. I've also seen how much this little boy has helped her cope with the loss of his dad.

She had a choice, she could have left him to his mother, amid drugs and alcohol or take on raising this small child and making adjustments in her own life.. then again, knowing my sister, she had no choice.
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Old August 16th, 2001, 06:56 PM   #5
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grandbabies are an extra ...

(((DLC)))
I agree with you, about your sister raising her grand....what choice? The kidlett is family...
That says it all...

(((Terri)))
My generous nature has been taking some major hits since I started this.

Family, in our house, supports itself, which is why I "passively" accepted the role of babysitter (parenting), when she came back.
It's my job...cuz I am Mom. My own is a very young 23... She was not ready for this responsibility. She loves the baby, and I am glad... she looks at me as Mom, babysitter and a PITA (not bread).
I am a contract worker so I can step back into work pretty quick...
Then the question in my mind:
just, which is more important? My work experience, or the babys' formative years...
lol..(toast..I am toast)

(((tupi))) if the baby lived just with me and other...it would be different, don't ya think? The baby would know a structure (my structure).
At this time, with mom and baby both here, it makes it harder.
Example: She parked a man in a tent in my back yard.....(yea, right) I hope you can guess how long this lasted ( short, verrrry short)
The will to rule the roost is upon my child...she can't do it here, cuz I rule this roost.The back yard is off limits too <g> I believe the need to have her own place and be able to make her own rules will prevail.

I believe my child will grow up and become a responsible adult.... I just wish she would hurry a little.
and I really don't want her on Jerry's Show. ewwwwww
(no offense Jerry)
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Old August 17th, 2001, 09:52 AM   #6
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Every situation is different. When the focus is getting your kids off to great starts as parents, I think it's one of the most selfless acts there are. How do you maintain the boundaries though?

One of Denn's relatives has a wife who is 17 and has a 3 year old, and her husband's mother doesn't trust her to do anything! At first they would fight because she would make him lunch, and his grandma would throw it out and make him a 'decent' one. She would rewash clothes, redress him, etc etc. Now the girl doesn't do ANYTHING and the grandma is always complaining about how lazy she is. Hello?? I just want to smack that woman!

On the other hand, my aunt has very strict house rules, and makes sure her daughter does all the parenting for her 10 year old. It works out very well because there isn't a big power battle. They are actually building a house together but if it works, heh.
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Old August 17th, 2001, 10:40 AM   #7
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When my sisters moved back home with my mother there were rules. The kids were to be taken care of by their mothers; unfortunately not one of my sisters did that job to my mother's specifications. Now, I'm not talking a small thing here. All three of my sisters moved back home with their children until they could find a man to take care of them.

Problems surfaced immediately. It was my mother's house. She had stuff she didn't want kids to get into, she had no space of her own because kids were always around, her flower gardens were trampled by kids playing, and her kitchen was no longer hers. The rifts those situations caused have never mended, and at this point, never will.

When grown kids move back home with their babies, there must be some boundaries. If they can't abide by the rules, then they should leave. In some cases they should simply leave the child. However, I don't think any grandparent should raise a child without having custody. You need to be able to get health care and schooling for the child without having to look for the errant parent.

Mo, your daughter might love her baby, but she has not accepted responsibility for her own life yet. How can she accept responsibility for a child? I'd like to say I'd do this or do that, but in all honesty, I wouldn't turn my back on one of my children when they need help. I also wouldn't turn out a grandchild. I would put my foot down at her freeloading boyfriend. I'd also insist she have a job and put the baby in a daycare at least a few days a week. If I had it to do over again, I'd have insisted my sisters find jobs to support themselves and their children and leave the men alone. The men in their lives only made problems worse.

I do know what I'd do for myself. I'd get the job I wanted to get and I'd make damned sure they lived around my life. I'm not going to live my life around other people's needs anymore. Find the job, Mo. You deserve it.
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Old August 28th, 2001, 02:36 PM   #8
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well....deep subject....

The kidlett of mine has never been tossed out of her home...she has threatened me with police action if I wouldn't let her go ( now geez....pack your stuff...)

She has left home...it was her choice. She works so that is a plus...
The 3 year old needs attention.... my kid left him here..
I have him 6 days and she takes him 1....

sure seems like I am growing a buglet (grand baby)....
I am a cheap sitter though (free) and I would prefer to have this child cared for by someone who loves him, and is related to him...
I dunno.............

/me checks ....yep, shot myself in the foot...again <g>
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Old August 29th, 2001, 02:34 PM   #9
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ok, i'm not a grandparent, but my daughter is living w/her grandparents, so i started reading this so i could catch some insight. when my ex g/f & i broke up, we had huge issues between us & after about a year, neither of us was in the best place to keep the baby. so we (very painfully) asked her mom if she would take temporary custody, until we could straighten our own lives out. on the one hand, that was very good, b/c it has provided c' w/wonderful opportunities - a nice house, private school, good church, etc. on the other hand, it has sucked, b/c most all of the principles that my ex & i do share are not considered important by the grandparents, so there is always a struggle over how she is told about life. also, when the baby was younger, there were many struggles over how she was dressed, fed, etc; now, however, she is 4 & makes most of her own decisions about that kind of stuff. it is very undermining to have a grandparent constantly 2nd guess what you are doing w/the child - that's a lot of what happened w/us. now, they talk about how little my ex does, but when you hear about how wrong you are all the time, it becomes easier to do nothing. i'm interested to know how ppl have dealt w/the issue of letting the grandkids go back to living w/their parents. my ex has only this year left in school & then she wants c' to come back to live w/her. i agree w/this & so does the baby, but the grandparents are fighting it big-time. i don't want this to turn into a huge court battle. one prob is that my ex now lives 6 hrs away & i am about to move up there also. we want the baby to come live up there - it's a better city for jobs, living, education. unfortunately, the grandparents see it as us taking their "child" away. huge frustration here - we told them when we (all) reached the decision about the living arrangements that it would be for only a year or two & that we would eventually be moving. any insight you all could offer me from the other side would be helpful. again, i don't want this to become a huge fight. we never could have made it this far, this well, w/out their help & the way they stepped up to bat for c'.
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Old August 29th, 2001, 05:52 PM   #10
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I don't want to appear uncaring to your plight huee but isn't that the chance you take when you give up your child to be raised by someone else? You can't expect someone else to instill values that you have. I can understand your reasons for needing the help but you can't move in and out of a child's life and expect there not to be consequences. Certainly the fact that the child was left with caring grandparents shows some good judgement, but now you want to take the child back and teach it all over again. This happened in my family with my sister. My mother abandoned her to our grandmother to raise and then came back for her when she was 5 years old. Today my sister is 60 with HUGE issues. She has felt the brunt of that confused childhood her whole life and continues to deal with issues to this day that have affected not only her life but all the people she has relationships with. Attachments that children make are very serious and have impact on their whole lives not just this year or next year. Four year olds are not capable of making life decisions for themselves, like where they want to live, etc. Adults do that for them and good judgement and the welfare of the child are important matters to consider. The grandparents probably love this baby like their own by now, don't rip her from them and try to teach her that all that her loving grandparents have taught her is wrong. How confusing to her little mind that would be. I was a little confused as to what exactly you are saying but those are my thoughts. Whenever someone places their child with someone else to be raised, without the benefit of legal action to begin with, there is the risk of legal battles later. Don't worry Huee you probably won't have a problem regaining control of your child because the Supreme Court has dashed the rights of grandparents anyway.
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Old September 10th, 2001, 04:47 AM   #11
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hi Huee,
One thing that we did do, was draw up paperwork , in the event my kidlett becomes too ill to care for her child (bugg)
We stayed out of the court system also...
It seems once a kid gets into the legal system, nobodys' feelings count. If you are talking about a 3 or 4 year old, the courts could decide to place her/him in foster care til <i> they </i> decide where is best...
My own feeling is that a family can make better decisions than a judge. At least on an individual case...
The ideas being presented by your parents are probably real similar to the rules and raising you got...
Is that bad??

When you are talking about small kids, they do best with a structure, I think...
They need to know they have a place they belong. A bed becomes a symbol of ownership to a child ( my bed is here, so I must be too)

Something you could do is...call and talk to your kid, daily.
I know it bothered me and the mom, when she called in and the baby said "Hi, who is this"
She started calling daily and that helped a lot.
The baby in my care went with his mom this weekend and I believe she may try and raise him now ( Good luck doll!!)
I stay close to home in case there is a problem, since the baby is used to living here....
This grandparent wants the best for the grand baby.
Good luck Huee and keep in touch!
It is nice to be able to see the picture from both sides
I am glad you posted !
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Old September 20th, 2001, 11:01 AM   #12
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up-date

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since the buglett left (smiling) with his mom.
I have seen him once and he spent the night. He was happy to see his mom the next day and I was happy to see them go <g> Keeping my fingers crossed that all will be ok.I believe in my kids...
I am a firm believer that a child will do better with his parent(s) than with a grand... just sometimes it takes some nudging.....

Huee....I reread what you said...
You gave custody of your child to ...the other grand, right?
For a couple years? Is that in writing? The couple years part? Did you go through the courts or did you set it up privately?
You should keep in touch with your kid. Do well, get a comfortable place to live, visit and call your kid and have an income. Then, go to court, if necessary, and say "thanks Mom, it's my turn now"
It pays to stay civil with the caregiver of your child. Don't let your buttons be pushed. You have value....work with that!

Good luck Huee...
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Old September 20th, 2001, 12:10 PM   #13
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(((motown))) - thank you for your words of encouragement. i'm tryiing not to overly stress about this. we went to court to get temporary custody set up, so she could get on the grandparent's insurance. before we did that, all the adults sat down & agreed that it would be for abour two yrs, so that we would have enough time to finish school & get settled into a new town. we knew all along that we did not want to stay in this one. i'm trying to stay positive right now. i know that i need to do exactly what you said & that's why i'm going thru w/this move. i'm not doing c' any good by struggling so much w/money, job, school, etc. i want to have some security, live in the city i enjoy & be able to afford the things i want to surround her with. & hopefully, we won't have to go to court. but even if we do & even if we don't regain custody, i know that i need to be in a stable place so that she can come visit comfortably.
it sounds like things are going well for your family - glad to hear it. & thank you for your posts - they've helped reassure me a lot.
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