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Old January 12th, 2002, 01:26 PM   #1
schnitzll
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Question Kids unable to hear parents but hear friends just fine

My son is 10 and my daughter is 7. It is seeming as though at the age of 9 they begin their selective hearing disorder. I have tested them out. My daughter can still listen on the first try and my son, well lets just say he must be preoccupied with life or something because 4 or 5 times he thinks he hears one thing when we really said something else, especially when it comes time to do chores. Any advise?
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Old January 12th, 2002, 03:25 PM   #2
tupi
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You're going to really be tired of hearing this one...it's a stage. Kids all go through it. They anticipate what you're going to say and then know ahead of time that they can ignore it or only do a portion of it. I don't think they even doing to consciously. They know what your reaction will be, and they know it won't be anything they haven't dealt with before.

Advice? You have to regain their attention. Before you do that, ask yourself if this is something you harp on often. If it is, then think about why you have to harp on about it. Are they occupied with something that IS more important to them? Then think about how to work the chore in with their activity. If they're playing with friends, ask their friends to help them do the chore. Peer pressure works wonders in getting kids to move.

Don't set unreasonable expectations. Give them one thing at a time to do. Make a list and check the chores off as they are finished. Don't say something like, "Tommy, I need you to check the mail, and take the trash out while you're at it, and then make sure the dog has water." Boys grow up to be men, and testosterone will block the ability to remember more than two chores at a time.

Is it the trash? You ask 4 times for them to take out the trash, and they know they'll do it eventually. Put the trash can where they can't miss it. In their bedroom doorway, on top the toilet, in front of the TV.

Don't make threats you can't carry out. Don't tell them you'll throw away their video game when you know you spent hundreds on it. Don't threaten to break the TV, unless you are really willing to do so. Don't smack or hit them. Don't send them to their room without dinner.

Do use guilt. "I'm tired, I've worked all day long and I need your help." "You want me to take you to the movie, but I can't if I have to do all this myself." "I want to go out with my friends, too, but I can't because I have chores to do." "You want to make me happy? Then do this for me."

Lastly, buy a gong. When you want their attention, ring it loud and clear.
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Old January 19th, 2002, 08:43 PM   #3
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Good advice tupi, those things work well. If I could add one thing. As a mother of two boys, one is 12, if there is something I want to make sure he hears, I make him stop, put down the gameboy, turn down the tv, whatever, and make sure I have eye contact. Because with my son, if he isn't looking at me, he isn't listening to me.
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Old January 20th, 2002, 12:11 AM   #4
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I should try that with my husband Cinderellen.
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Old January 20th, 2002, 09:51 AM   #5
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ROFL bugaboo, works with hubbies too. If I want to be heard, I have to make sure there is nothing else more interesting on.
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Old January 20th, 2002, 11:42 AM   #6
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Good points ladies. When I want my family's attention, I call a "family meeting". Anyone in the family can call a meeting whenever they want to discuss something, and it is non-negotiable.... If a meeting is called, TV goes off, toys are put down, we all sit together on the sofa, and talk.

Sometimes, I will act all serious, and call a family meeting, just to let them know how proud I am of them, and how much I love them!
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Old January 20th, 2002, 01:40 PM   #7
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What a great idea susie !!

I have trouble getting my family to participate in things like that, primarily because the hubby doesn't take them seriously. You have to have both parents on the same page, if you are in a 2 parent household.
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Old January 20th, 2002, 02:05 PM   #8
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Hubby does think it is a little corny, but we are a corny family! lol

We cut down our own christmas tree each year, and we are usually out there for hours, cause we need to have a "family vote" lololol

I like doing stuff like that, makes for a very warm family feeling, yah know?
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Old January 20th, 2002, 03:08 PM   #9
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My mother had 5 daughters. When she wanted our attention, she got it by yelling loud and occassionally throwing things. What she did that actually worked though, was to tell us to repeat to her what she'd just said. I remember one of my sisters making a snide remark like, "... yeah yeah yeah..I heard you already!" She got a glass of water over the head. Mom was not real patient, but she did get her ideas across.

I'm always amazed when someone tells me their kids are just horrible, but when I'm with them they are terrific! I think that's a good thing, too. After all, our main goal as parents is to turn out a product that is socially acceptable. So, even when your kid is a snot to you but is wonderful to others, then you must be doing something right!
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Old January 21st, 2002, 11:58 AM   #10
kathe nichols
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Oh, Tupi, I made that mistake once.. my mother asked me "what did I just say?" and I said, "standard lecture number 9." I seem to recall having a VERY bad rest of the day!

Eye contact is definitely necessary. I simply refuse to yell between rooms to/with my children. If I want to talk to them, I go to them. If they want to talk to me, they come to me. Period.

I'm working hard on taking follow-up *action* when I am not heard, instead of yelling. They need to hear the FIRST time, not know that they can goof off until mom gets mad and starts yelling.
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Old January 21st, 2002, 01:01 PM   #11
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I agree kathe. I absolutely detest when they start yelling stuff at me from upstairs, when they know I am down, or vice versa. As soon as I hear Moooooooooooom I say, I can't hear you. My younger one has this sometimes funny, sometimes annoying habit of calling me like that, I'll hear mom, mom, mom, mom, every few steps from his room upstairs all the way to the laundry room downstairs.

With the male species in particular, eye contact is key. If they aren't looking at you, they aren't hearing you, for the most part. Oddly enough, if you even whisper ice cream or ToysRUs, they appear out of no where.

I am having trouble with my preteen boy. He is so hard to motivate with school work. He is so much more intelligent than his grades reflect. Mostly because he "forgets" to do his homework. I am about at my wits end. He has been hard to motivate all his life, and it's only going to get worse as school gets harder and requires more preparation. He procrastinates until the last possible second. I really don't want to go the route of having an assignment pad that all the teachers and I have to sign, but I think I may have to. Any thoughts?
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Old January 21st, 2002, 05:14 PM   #12
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Cinderellen, my son was like that and I fought the hard fight with him up to year ten, we had him tutored and his grades came up, but once again it was a major fight, then we couldn't afford the tutoring and his grades went down again.
Then we came to the conclusion not all kids are meant for lots of study. It wasn't that he was a bad kid, just hated school. He is now 19 and in his 3rd year of his apprenticeship in panel beating. He is very good with his hands, learns things easily, provided there is not a lot of reading involved and doing very well for himself.
He struggled so much with reading and writing, he can do them, but he is not a whiz at them and that was bringing his self esteem down and I couldn't stand to see that happening, however his panel beating has managed to bring it back up again.
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Old January 22nd, 2002, 11:57 AM   #13
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I am lucky - my 14-yr-old seems quite willing to tackle the homework (though we sometimes struggle with math and physics). It's just turning it in that she can't quite get!

Homework is first priority at our house, even over chores. If homework isn't done, she doesn't do anything else. (We do allow her to play her stereo while studying, which upsets my husband, but I remember doing it...) Of course, this probably wouldn't work if someone wasn't home with her.
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Old January 22nd, 2002, 12:12 PM   #14
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To some children, including myself long ago, the quiet is more "disquieting" than a stereo, or even tv. They need that noise to concentrate. Several studies have been published on that subject. If I find a book or magazine on it I will post it. Not all children benefit from a quiet room and a neat desk, some actually do better laying on the floor listening to music.
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