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Old September 13th, 2002, 05:47 AM   #1
cherie
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Why Do I Bring Out the Worst in Men?

Most women like me, I'm simple, easygoing, fair & have a great sense of humor. Men will like me intially for those same reasons & a lot more too. What puzzles me is why is it that after the relationship gets serious with a man, he starts to get calculative with me? Takes advantage of my generosity and generally treats me like a doormat and a cash machine. I have a lot of crap tolerance and put up with it but they continue to whine, complain and will always, without fail, end up in a situation where they will feel they must draw blood and drain my resources dry? Whereas other women will leech onto them, waste their time, sponge them of their cash and other resources, gives nothing in return and yet they're happy?

Does the problem lie with me?
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Old November 7th, 2002, 07:37 PM   #2
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No its' not necessarily you....Its' also the men you seem to be getting with....They know that eventually they will get what they want and then make you feel like crap when you say no.....Give in moderation only though when they are returning the same to you...And showing you appreciation....then when you cant do it they dont have a tizzy fit......If not forget it.....You will learn in time and quick which type of man you are with......I wish you the best and Good Luck! Have a great day!
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Old November 9th, 2002, 04:26 PM   #3
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I learned this lesson the hard way. I was getting into relationships and making the other person dependent on me by bugging them into accepting my help. It made me feel needed, but got them into the mindset that I was a money machine. It really bugs me because some of these guys would have made really great partners had I shown myself some respect. Remember that only you can allow people to treat you a certain way. If your boyfriend is disrespecting you than get another one. Well, make sure you dump the original one first lol

If it's happened more than once, it's probably at least a little you. I'd wait to get into a relationship until you honestly feel you deserve a good partner who can take care of himself - and you, even though you don't need him too My new rule is the man must have a phone, a car and a place to live and everything has to be in his name lol Small list of requirements, I know, but they are a start! lol
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Old November 10th, 2002, 09:24 PM   #4
Christyrose
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Hello Cherie, You really tugged at my heart strings. Your post brought back some memories. I have no idea how old you are. If you were ever married or divorced or do you have children. Some of what I am going to say might relate back to this. The last thing you posted was asking if you where the problem not them! You have to stop and think of who you are. Where are you going and what are you going to do when you reach "there". It sounds like your just out there reaching for anyone to want you for you. Yet you have no plans to protect your self emotional or physically.
I have found when I reached that point my life where you are now I stopped dating, I went back to find out who I was, and what I wanted from life. Once, I made my goals there was no turning around. When I did this I found my own self respect as well. This will not be over night, its a working process. During this time, you will see changes in how people look at you, how they listen to you. You will find pride within yourself. You will be able to say NO, with out worry.
If you are close to your family ask them for help. If not, a close friend that will help you right now to. Talk to your family doctor; they to could give you help. You need to find strengh right now to be your self not what you think someone wants you to be.
When your with anyone who makes you feel threaten mentally or phsically, uses or abuses you, take a walk or run like the wind. No one in this life time deserves to be treated like that.
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Old January 8th, 2003, 02:32 AM   #5
cherie
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Thanks to all who have responded to my question and I just wanted to let you all know that I appreciate your views. In fact, I believe what you have said made a difference. I have now reorientate my thinking and I couldn't be better off. By the way, I'm divorced with one child.

Thanks once again.
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Old January 8th, 2003, 08:10 AM   #6
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good for you cherie..
I am curious.. what are you doing different now?
If you are working on happy, then you are on the road to a fine life..
and it really is amazing, when you stop looking for the perfect guy... they start knocking on your door
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Old January 8th, 2003, 10:55 AM   #7
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So true Motown! Plus good advice! I ought to know since I met my husband when I stopped 'Looking' Then again I just laid my 'cards' out on the table. Letting him know what I won't put up with like lies, cheating, and fighting. He agreed and we have been together for eight years! Great huh? Well I wish you the best! Have a great day!
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Old January 8th, 2003, 11:48 AM   #8
cherie
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It's not what I DO differently, it's HOW I think. The answers were there but I just needed some reassurance. I wasn't sure of that little voice till I hear it from u all. It's reaffirming.

Thanks to Christyrose. U were spot-on when U said I was out there reaching for any1 to want me for me & yet have no plans to protect myself emotionally or physically. Ur right, no one in this life time deserves to be treated like crap.

Yes, now I work at being happy. Difference now is I'm not stressing myself out trying so hard to make myself happy
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Old January 10th, 2003, 05:30 PM   #9
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Y'know, maybe there are just a lot of guys who want to take advantage and maybe it isn't any woman's fault but is more to do with what society let's men get away with?
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Old August 24th, 2004, 05:03 PM   #10
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I just joined WOW and Cherie's delimma really hit home. I can truly relate to the needy person doing everything for the man just to be accepted.... then getting crapped on. I am in my second marriage and have fallen into that same trap for a second time.

My problem is that I got confident for a while, and I have become dependant on his income. (I operate an in-home daycare but the income is only supplemental at most) He threatens that he's leaving in just about every other fight... I just fall apart.. but now it's not because I want him to stay anymore, it's because I don't want my children and I to be on the street. I have made the place we live into a home (it was our home before he met us).. we all worked on an addition together and all take pride in it. I know it sounds materialistic, but I want something to remain constant in the event he does really leave. For now I will keep riding the emotional roller coaster he has me on. I am sending 10 or more resumes out every week. I just pray that a job I can live on comes around soon. Please pray for me as the power of prayer can do wonders. (I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pray that I find that happy spot and don't fall into old ways once this one is over)

If anyone out there has information where I could maybe find financial support for someone in a position like mine (in Ohio), PLEASE contact me. I want to be able to stand on my own, like I did before this marriage. ALL of your input has been helpful to my emotional state. I will keep reminding myself of all the wise words I have read today. Thank you all.
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Old August 25th, 2004, 09:34 AM   #11
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Look for an abused woman's shelter. You are being abused emotionally and it will progress. They will provide a lot of help for you including lodging, job skill training, counseling so you can help yourself break the thinking pattern you are in. And it will be free most likely.

I know of a link where you can find out more about your situation. I'll try to get it for you, but I'm swamped today as we are leaving tomorrow to see my father who is gravely ill.
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Old August 25th, 2004, 08:42 PM   #12
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<p>brede is referring to <b>Women's Web Domestic Violence Resources</b>. The site contains information on:<ul><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuse.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">The Types of Abuse</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/cycle.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">The Cycle of Abuse</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/effects.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">The Effects of Abuse</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/battering.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/help.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">Getting Help</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/what-to-do.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">What To Do If You Are In An Abusive Relationship</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/leave.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">Why Don't Women Leave? Why Do They Stay?</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/k2news/example1.php?Action=Full&NewsID=62" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">Leaving An Abusive Relationship</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/others.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">How Friends and Families Can Help</a><li><a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/pros.php" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">How Professionals Can Respond</a></ul><form action="http://www.womensweb.ca/k2news/Articles.php?Action=DoSearch" method="POST">For additional resources on abusive relationships, be sure to check out the many articles by <a href="http://www.womensweb.ca/articles/authors.php#sam" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red">Sam Vaknin</a> available on Women's Web.
<div align="right"><input type="submit" value="Click to show articles" style="font-size: 11px; border-right: solid 2px #AB265B; border-bottom: solid 2px #AB265B; border-top: solid 1px #DEA9BE; border-left: solid 1px #DEA9BE; color: #AB265B; background-color: #FEEEF4" name="Submit" style="width: 110px"></div><input type="hidden" name="searchcat" value="8"><input type="hidden" name="searchkey" value="Abuse"></form>You might also want to try to find sources of support and information in these online support groups:<ul><li><a href="http://www.suite101.com/discussions.cfm/verbal_emotional_abuse" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red" target="_blank">Verbal and Emotional Abuse</a> at Suite101.com<li><a style="text-decoration: underline; color: red" href="http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spousal_domestic_abuse" target="_blank">Spousal and Domestic Abuse</a> at Suite101.com<li><a style="text-decoration: underline; color: red" href="http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/domesticviolencesurvivors/" target="_blank">Domestic Violence Survivors</a>, a Yahoo group<li><a style="text-decoration: underline; color: red" href="http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse/" target="_blank">End Verbal Abuse</a>, a Yahoo group</ul>Obviously, online support won?t give you all of the help and encouragement you need. You can find help for yourself (and your children) at a battered women?s shelter or through a crisis intervention program especially designed to meet your needs. Such programs are led by facilitators who have experience in leading programs for battered - <b>as well as emotionally abused</b> - women, their partners, and their children. These agencies' mandate is advocacy and as such, they can provide the reinforcement and support you need.</p><p>Since I'm in Canada, I'm not familiar with support programs that may exist in your area. However, the <a href="http://www.ndvh.org" style="text-decoration: underline; color: red" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> has a central database of support agencies and organizations throughout North America and can likely refer to you to some in your community. You can call the NHDV toll-free anywhere in North America (including Canada, Puerto Rice and the U.S. Virgin Islands) at 1-800-799-SAFE or TTY at 1-800-787-3224.</p><p>I really hope this helps. Best to you. </p>
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Old August 25th, 2004, 09:39 PM   #13
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I sincerely hope you get the help you need. It is extremely hard to break a cycle. Take whatever help you can get for yourself and your children. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship is toxic. Good luck and WA is right there is a lot of help out there. You have to take the first step which is the hardest step.
You deserve better as do your children.
Good luck I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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