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Old January 3rd, 2003, 04:52 PM   #1
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That Aching Black Void

Growing up I can honestly say that I had a pretty good childhood. There is nothing that comes to mind that would make me think otherwise. In high school, I wasn't like all the other girls, I didn't date.. well twice but it was one of those things where it was "one nite out and never again" kinda things.. lol The point is, looking back I missed out on all that stuff that we go thru at that time in our lives where emotions and feelings are being explored and sorted thru. Only years later would I finally understand that I wasn't into guys.. but I was always intrigued by the girls. At the age of 27, I finally experienced my first relationship with a woman. And even tho, it was a destructive relationship, I learned so much from it. It was like a dam that just finally gave way to all the emotions, needs, and wants that I had kept stored up inside. For the first time, I began to feel what it was like to fall in love. When I think back on that relationship, there are times when I feel so responsible, and as if I had failed. But, I remind myself that it was my first attempt at a relationship and that you can not change someone. Only they have the power to change themselves.
And so, after I gathered up the strength to go on, I later met another woman, whom I had a relationship with. This relationship ended after 7 mos. It has taken me some time to realize that I wasn't at fault for the demise of this one either. I needed more intimacy on an emotional level and she wasn't able or capable of providing that for me. She is a good, caring, and kind person and I will always think dearly of her. To be perfectly honest, no one is to blame, we just had different needs and wants.
So, I am single once again. I have always felt a dark void in my life. I am not sure when it crept in, but it has been there for as long as I can remember. I guess I was to busy playing softball or basketball to really pay much attention to it, but once you graduate from high school, you find at times you have too much time to think back and reflect on things.
This void that seems to haunt me in moments when I feel the most alone, is the very thing that also seems to keep some of my hopes and dreams alive. I long for the advantages and PRIVILEDGES that come with being in a relationship, but I also long for the relationship that can withstand the tests of time. I want the same things everyone wants in a relationship... the needing, wanting, and feeling loved. Knowing that when you walk thru that door of your home, that you can wrap your arms around your lover and feel safe and protected no matter what kind of day you had. And when it's all said and done, and the end of your journey here on earth is done, can you close your eyes and rest, knowing that you were the best person you could be because that "special someone" gave you the courage to be.
Even though there is no law or rule that is written that says we must be in a relationship that will take us to the ends of our lives, there is a comfort in having that relationship that is good and pure and right. Just having that one person in your corner, when everything else seems to be coming down around you, can be the one thing that gets you out of that bed in the morning and wills you to give it another try.
And so, I will try my best embrace this dark void; for it is the thing that gives me motivation to keep looking.
Love and Peace,
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Old January 3rd, 2003, 07:36 PM   #2
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(Daccie rests her eyes from reading and then gives M_E a big hug)

(((((((((( M_E )))))))))))
Very well said!
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Old January 3rd, 2003, 09:36 PM   #3
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(((Daccie))))) lol.. thanks
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Old October 29th, 2004, 04:27 PM   #4
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i cried for u touched my void too

oh ME.... et tu` brute? sorry bad literary joke!! But seriously i have felt a void in me too and have found several things. To fill the void must come from inside yourself. Having that loving relationship has seemed to escape me, too. I just ended a 7 yr long relationship ) and i was also a "late bloomer" in learning about my preference for the ladies!! lol Seriously, if u need a friend, holler at me sometime!! pegasus
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