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Old July 5th, 2004, 12:41 AM   #1
vicki1110
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The effects of pornography on relationships

Greetings Ladies.
I am doing research on a sensitive subject matter that I believe has touched the lives of women around the world: the effects of pornography on relationships (especially now that it is so easily accessible via the internet). Although I am interested in the good, bad, and/or otherwise, my objective is to write a book in hopes of providing support to women who find themselves questioning their worth as a result of their mate's use of pornography.

And although I am interested in the personal backgrounds of every one of you willing to talk with me, I guarantee that any personal information you share with me will be kept totally confidential. Demographics are helpful, however the focus of my research is based solely on the way YOU feel your mate's use of pornography has affected you and/or your relationship.

I am also looking for the ways you have, have not, or don't know how to cope/deal with this issue affecting your relationship.

Ladies, this is a general overview of the information I am seeking for my book; if there is anyone out there who is willing to share their experience(s) with me, I will be grateful. After all, how can we possibly help one another if we feel alone - about anything?!!

I will be checking the message board for any replies you are willing to share. However, if you feel uncomfortable posting your replies there, your experiences are gratefully welcome at vtots@hotmail.com

Heartfelt thanks to all of you who are willing to share your lives with me.

Vic
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Old July 7th, 2004, 08:32 PM   #2
Dee
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Mmmm....sensitive subject, you bet!

Pornography as opposed to erotica?

I detest pornography - both for what it is and what it does. I cannot see that it has any redeeming features at all. It doesn't prevent rape or abuse - on the contrary, it is a record of rape and abuse. It gives false messages about women and our sexuality. It creates insecurities in both men and women and so does nothing to enhance human relationships at all. I hate it. Pornography is my bete nior. I am an anti pornography activist. I have no objection at all to erotica.

A couple of years ago I discovered that the man who had lived with me for ten years, had supported my activism in every way - ideologically, practically and emotionally - was in fact using internet pornography himself.
How did this affect me? Imagine being a Jew who discovers the man she shares her life with is a nazi sympathiser.
What did I do? Banished him from my life. No contact. Nothing. I was too hurt to think.

No personal relationship is worth more to me than the lives of the women who are hurt and abused in the making or consumption of pornography. I could not love anyone who uses pornography.

They say pornography is 'free speech'. Um...who, exactly, is speaking here? Pornography is men telling lies about women. Pornography kills love and any sense of humanity so that some big fatcat somewhere can make megabucks through hate speech against women.
Don't get me started!
If you want to mail me please do so through this site. I'm happy to expand ;-)
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Old July 7th, 2004, 10:11 PM   #3
WA114
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You raise very valid points, Dee.

Good luck with your research!
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Old July 14th, 2004, 01:53 PM   #4
vicki1110
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Thank you Dee, and WA114 for replying to my request. I am beginning to wonder if this subject is just too sensitive and painful; I thought there would have been an influx of responses from women who have been affected by pornography. Perhaps they are not ready to talk about the devestation caused by their mate's use of pornographic material, and perhaps not with a total stranger. I respect that.
Dee, thank you for sharing your situation with me. Indeed your points are valid. And if you are willing to talk more with me, please don't hesitate!
WA114, thanks for the lead to another site where I might be able to find more. I'll be heading there directly. By the way, I enjoyed the quote.
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Old February 28th, 2005, 09:18 PM   #5
Octavia
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Re: Book Research - Sensitive Subject - (The effects of pornography on relationships)

Here is my take on the Porn issue. My husband goes to sleep on the couch at 8:30 p.m. He claims he can't stay awake. At 3:00 a.m. he gets up and gets on the computer where he is slowly working his way through all three million porn sites. I have tried to block him through content on I.E. but he still gets it. When they want it bad enough they will get it. He claims he doesn't know how the porn gets on the computer like I'm a dummy or something. I click on the icons in temp files and he is looking at things only a gynocologist ever sees! It is ruing our life because we can't discuss it because he always denies whenever he is caught at anything. I read that computer porn escalates to more dangerous things because the thrill wers off and they need more exciting porn. Well he is e mailing women now and denies that. I really don't know what to do just yet because I am not an aggressive personality and he walks all over me.
Quote:
Originally posted by vicki1110
Greetings Ladies.
I am doing research on a sensitive subject matter that I believe has touched the lives of women around the world: the effects of pornography on relationships (especially now that it is so easily accessible via the internet). Although I am interested in the good, bad, and/or otherwise, my objective is to write a book in hopes of providing support to women who find themselves questioning their worth as a result of their mate's use of pornography.

And although I am interested in the personal backgrounds of every one of you willing to talk with me, I guarantee that any personal information you share with me will be kept totally confidential. Demographics are helpful, however the focus of my research is based solely on the way YOU feel your mate's use of pornography has affected you and/or your relationship.

I am also looking for the ways you have, have not, or don't know how to cope/deal with this issue affecting your relationship.

Ladies, this is a general overview of the information I am seeking for my book; if there is anyone out there who is willing to share their experience(s) with me, I will be grateful. After all, how can we possibly help one another if we feel alone - about anything?!!

I will be checking the message board for any replies you are willing to share. However, if you feel uncomfortable posting your replies there, your experiences are gratefully welcome at vtots@hotmail.com

Heartfelt thanks to all of you who are willing to share your lives with me.

Vic
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Old April 26th, 2005, 09:35 PM   #6
kimpossible
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Well You Asked And I'm Sharing!!! My belief is pornography should stop after adolesense. I only dated four men in my entire life and my one test three out of four failed was having "Jag Rags", to me this is very immature. The man I married (4 10 years now) had hunting magazines. Don't get me wrong, if we are in the mood to watch one, we will, but we both get to pick it out.....We haven't done that in years, good spicey idea.....Our rule is once you start acting out "3-somes, or swinging, you have taken fantasy to the next level of FREEEK SHOW!!! I did the kinky stuff when I was younger.......very satisfied with my man, although I must admit I do enjoy clothed eye candy.......or a good stripper at a club..............Talk about Porno!!! Imagine if you will, Kimpossible Naked with her side kick Ron? ha ha ha ha NOT!!!!!!! I like the real deal...............D-I-X-R-4-C-H-I-X
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Old April 29th, 2005, 11:06 AM   #7
jkearns4949
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I do not feel porn is the problem. It becomes a problem when men start lying or hiding that they are watching porn. As a couple, my boyfriend and I watch porn to make things steamy and to learn.
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Old July 4th, 2005, 08:10 AM   #8
nans
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Hi ,
I'm a 28 year old Female , I have been dating for 4 years a 30 Year old guy. My boyfriend since his teenage years has spent allot of time on looking at / watching pornography. At first this made me hugely nervous as I felt that I would never be able to live up to the sex queens in these movies..this had everything to do with my own self confidence, my figure, technique etc .. This made me extremely uncomfortable for the first while which meant that rather then focusing on how much I was attracted to this guy I was concentrated on what he would think of me etc .Finally I broached the subject with him and I explained that I felt I wouldn't be able to turn him on etc ...and he basically told me that he understood that Pornography was pure fantasy and that the real sex world is not that glam! but the feelings and interaction (IE intimacy) over rode any of his fantasy's within a porn movie.
I accepted this and really I have found that it has allowed me to explore sides of me that I would never have before, ironically it has made me more confident in bed as I know I cannot shock him!.Lately I have even started to surprise him by dressing up etc ..which is something years ago I would never have done. Open and honest and quite frank discussions are a must , I have certain things I just would not do and I stated this and these where accepted!
I have no problem with him looking at porn, he is a human being , an adult and I believe relationships should be about understanding and acceptance , if you cannot accept what your partner is doing then you force them into hiding or them feeling guilty when really they are just going with their natural instincts. I like to shop for cosmetics, I have boxes of the stuff that I rarely use , my boyfriend doesn't understand this but he would never tell me what to do ! ..Men and woman are different..YES but they are also quite similar , I have fantasies all the time , I just don't sit and watch a movie , I could be walking into a store and see a handsome man and tada! I'm in my own personally porn movie! . Men are different I do think they need more visual stimulation when it comes to there own personal fantasies ..

I know that is simplifying a large subject ..I do understand how women can find porn degrading etc. but within a relationship , and focusing purely on within a relationship I think it is about openly asking yourself what is it that makes you feel so uncomfortable about it.
Then broaching your feelings with your partner.
I believe that Porn has helped our sex life out hugely , Women who have blokes who watch porn have teh advantage of knwoing what their partner likes by asking questions when a movie is on "so what do you like about this?" etc .. and I can tell you in my experience it is the most simplest things .. "I like the way she is looking at me..the eye contact " etc .etc

I would also like to say that I believe the issue for most women about their men watching porn is based around their own self confidence and mainly their physical body. I truly believe that men are not hung up on a woman's body as women themselves are . I do not have the same body as women in my boyfriends movies but I have the knowledge that I can turn my guy on more then those movies do! based on the fact that I know what buttons to press and that this is teh woman he loves pressing those buttons..

At the end of the date was so wrong about fantasy ..
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Old July 4th, 2005, 10:07 PM   #9
Wolf_angel
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Smile Hm here is my input

I agree with Nans and Jkearns.....Porn is only a problem when people lie about it and thus hide it. My sweetheart likes porn and he can watch it or whatever.....since I know he married me and not a fantasy...Yes I have problems with my figure and self image but that is something I can change or do about. Yet sometimes he may ask me to watch it with him....Most often than not, I dont however to understand a man's thoughts....watching it with him gives me insight into what he wants sexually. I have been totally honest and upright with my man since we met.....Things I just wont do and some maybe.......Others definitely will encourage!

However the down side is that it gets him in the mood quicker and for me I like to be enticed. Its not a visual thing but a mind set that helps some of us. Thus that is where a problem can arise....the one watching pornography.....is in the mood while the other is waiting for some serious foreplay from that person. Then you have mixed signals and not in tune with each other. Doesnt matter who your beloved is..Its what you have together that matters..As well as the values you both honor.
This is what makes any relationship work and grow.....Honesty Trust and Love are the first three, there is Communication as well as setting the guide lines for each other, What is mutually accepted on by both of the ones involved. It can't be about yourself all the time. Its got to be give and take and equal time on that.
Be willing to acknowlegde the past what is the present so you set up for the future with good intentions. Thus starting the best adventure of your life.

That is my thougts on that along with relationships.

Have a great day!
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