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Old December 7th, 2005, 05:43 PM   #1
venuss
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can't get over about husband and his ex

HI,
I'm married and recently I've been troubled by thoughts of how my husband had sex with his ex. To make matters worse, I find that whenever I see the two kids they had together it brings back horrible images of my husband and his ex having sex and how he made her pregnant! I"m currently 3 months pregnant with my first baby, and his 3rd, I'm hurt by the events. I dislike seeing those images but I can't help but dwell on it until it make me sick with pain, and feelings of rejection by my husband. I've openly discussed with him about how it hurts me to think of the way he made love to her and now he's doing the same with me, and I got pregnant the same way they did! It pains me to know but the truth is the truth I can't change the past. But why does it still hurt knowing that's how their children came to being? Am I stupid or selfish??? Whenever I see them, I see their mother and their father in them. THen the whole vicious cycle of my nightmare returns. I want nothing to do with the fact, I want nothing to do with her or feeling that my husband once slept with her, had sex with her, made baby after baby with her...nothing at all! But how come the memory still haunts me?
Help someone.
V
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Old December 7th, 2005, 06:54 PM   #2
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Um....I'm confused. You're upset because he had sex with his previous wife?? BEFORE he knew you and had a relationship with you?

If that's the case, seriously, you need to talk to someone about it. I mean, a professional.
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Old December 7th, 2005, 09:50 PM   #3
IRISH_EYES_99
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LiamFan I am confused here too.

venuss,
Talk to a professional about these recurring thoughts

Married & making love = normal
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Old December 8th, 2005, 07:55 PM   #4
Kristin
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Hello Venuss

I don't think you're stupid or selfish, but reading your post, it sounds like you are very young, I can't help myself thinking that your husband is the first man you gave yourself away to.And he's had a life before you, similar to the life he now has with you.You say you see your husbands' children and are reminded of how they look like their parents, then you start having nightmares over how hubby and his ex made the children.

Most important, remember that when you see his two first children, you don't let them suffer for the images they "make" come alive inside you when around them. You are also pregnant yourself, which is a very emotional time in life, and might play a part in your inner life and strengthen the "images" you see before you. Or did you have these images of hubby and ex before pregnancy too?

I assume that you knew about his ex and two children when you married him, and that he had had a life before you came along - accepting this is part of the package. The most important thing is that he's with you NOW, and as I don't see from your post that he is cheating, you should have nothing to worry about.

I agree with Liam and IRISH above here - see a professional. There is a method called EMDR, if memory serves me right, which is used on people suffering from re-occurring painful images. Usually it is used on people who has suffered through war and warcrimes, but also on victims of abuse of any kind that keeps haunting them in the aftermath. Basically people with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

In any case - if possible,try to enjoy this time expecting your baby, and enjoy the fact that relationshipwise it is now YOU and him, not him and EX. This should be a happy time for you - but if this is impossible - talk to your husband about this and seek help either alone or together.
Good luck!
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Old December 8th, 2005, 09:24 PM   #5
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Hey, great advice, Kristin.
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Old December 9th, 2005, 01:09 AM   #6
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(((((((((((((Liam)))))))))))))))

Thanks,I do have my moments
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Old December 9th, 2005, 08:26 PM   #7
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((((( Kristin ))))))) Well said.

Great advise.
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Old January 13th, 2006, 11:22 AM   #8
venuss
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Thanks for the great advice Kristin, it really helps me to think things through. I've recently talked to my husband and asked him to explain his past life with Her and he did so with love and honesty. I'm so thankful to have such a loving, understanding hubby. Since then, I felt much better about the situation. However, my thick skull just can't clearly understand the fact that they were not in love at the beginning, nor were they crazy for each other, nor were there feelings at their start of the relationship. They met at work, then moved in together within 3 months then she became pregant! Ok I can see when a man and a woman are together, alone, sometimes those "erotic" heat "intensive" moments can combust into flames of lust (that's if they have no love for each other) and leads to sexual desires having been satisfied within seconds....But, I just can't see why anyone would move in with someone they don't take seriously enough, they don't love, and they slept with without careful protections and expect the woman not to be pregant. "Accidentally" or "It just happens" likewise! Ok so the first baby it was a " just happened" thing. But the next baby arrived soon a year later, which means they "did it again" within 9 months period so the second child is concieved. He still claims it to be another "it wasn't meant to have happened" incident. (No of course not, unprotected intercourse means nothing will happen. No, babies? Are you kidding me?) So he is "stuck" with two kids with a woman he didn't love, didn't want to marry, didn't want to have anything to do with. How could he not see that if he didn't plan for those things to happen in his life, how could they possibly come from nothing? She was the woman he chose to live with. To be with. To have babies with. And now he's explaining that it was all "I didn't do it, it just happens???" I still can't make sense out of this. So Someone must have put a knife to his throat forcing him to have sex with her? THen when she gets pregant, then it's all not anyone's fault but fate??? Sorry but am I missing something here or am I just being a picky old bitch who is going nuts trying to get over this painful situation? I've forced myself to watch his past home-videos during their time together. Saw them have the first child, then saw her pregnant with their second, celebrating their baby shower, then the baby's birth, them hugging, kissing happily. All of a sudden my heart rang out an aching beat like my world is shattered. I made myself watch those images though painful, but hope that they all will make me strong to get over this threshold that's holding me back from living a happy life with my baby on the way and my hubby. Sure he's with me now, but how come I can't seem to rid being hurt? Am I too strict, too sensitive being pregnant? I don't know. I've grown to love his kids more now than ever before since I've seen their birth up to their older years in the videos. But it breaks my heart to realize that I couldn't be the one, the first woman of my husband's life to have made him a father. I'm hurt because I feel sad about not having been the one to share the happiness of being new parents with him, to be that someone to give him the joy of having his first baby. Many times I worry that since he's had two kids, a boy and girl, that our new baby would mean less to him because his experience is just going to be a repetitive one. Or finding out about the baby's sex is just another part of his curiosity instead of hoping or being excited about the gender that he want the baby to have. Sometimes already having what you want can make you feel that the next one is not so important. But he'd made sure that this isn't the case. I trust my husband but I just can't seem to shake of the thoughts of them kissing, hugging, having baby after baby. Sure it's the past but, without the past there wouldn't much of a present. He now hates her with a passion since she's ruining his life, neglecting the kids, and taking as much child support from him as possible, and with our baby on the way I'm worried about how we will live with half his income going to her for their kids. I love him and accept all these conflicts and the only thing I ask of him is to make me understand his life deeper so I can avoid unnecessary pain that comes with this love Package.
Please tell me what I should think now.
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Old April 27th, 2006, 09:02 PM   #9
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Hormones..........HORMONES.........
should I say this again? HORMONES!
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Old June 10th, 2006, 08:41 PM   #10
Kristin
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Dear venuss

Oh venuss, some kinds of relationships are just what you said - a mutual sexual relationship without those true feelings and deep emotoins - and yes - they do sometimes end with having babies. And when they do, I thinkthat even if that particular relationship never was meant to be - or those two weren't right for eachother, they try sticking it out because of the child. Then it is classical when after some time REALLY see that the relationship was never meant to be longterm - they "accidentally", partly without thinking concioussly about it somehow think that having another baby might save their "relationship". It does happen more than you want to know.

Even so, you know your husband is committed to you, and I am so proud of you for sitting him down and having that important talk - and even more proud am I that you know have come to really care for his two other children - THAT takes strenght when you go about it like you did.

About him already having a boy and a girl, and not being excited about your baby together, I have to agree somewhat with Sabra - that are hormones talking. On another note, I know several of my own clients in your position, or similar, who are a bit down, because it would mean the world to them if their spouses experiened having a baby for the first time too! I can relate to that,still you should never think that ill of your husband when he assures you that he is equally happy about your baby. I think he really is.But you can't ask him to (maybe silently or without knowing you send those signals out) that he is more extatic about this child than his two first. How would you like to have to chose a favorite child if you yourself had three? Would you not love them ALL?

You are not stupid or bitchy or anything negative - you are insecure about something that really matters to you - and from what I read this all is mostly about your insecurity about how much he loves you. Sounds to me you're fine, after how you describe him. I just think that you need to try and let this go, and if you can't - again, seek professional help alone or together.

Enjoy your life together now - enjoy expecting your baby - which is a WANTED child for both of you - and welcome his past (in the shape of his two other kids) into your small happy family and deal with their mother later. I don't see any reason to overreact about this all, and I can only explain it by referring to raging hormones.

One thing I'd like to ask you...have you ever loved some one before your husband? Or been in love? I certainly have been in love before my husband came along - also been attracted to other men (without acting on it of course)while beeing married - there is nothing wrong with that. In fact - if you TRUST eachother enough, you can laugh about it together. My husband is so proud whenever someone else looks at me or even throws me a cheezzzzy pick-up line - and we laugh about it and afterward talk about how lucky we are not having to play that scene. Because we're happy with eachother. Jealousy or negative thoughts about spouse's past,present or future can kill a relationship if it's not dealt with. Everyone has a past - talk about it and be over it together. It is really possible to free yourself from those negative emotions that can ruin relationships - but you have to deal with it head-on...don't go round letting it drive you crazy. Seems to me you have all sorts of reasons now to work on this alongside your husband in the future.

I wish you luck, and hope you find any of this helpful at all. I'll be around and check in and see your posts if I can be of any help at all.

((((((((((((VENUSS))))))))))))))))
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Old June 22nd, 2006, 12:16 AM   #11
WillowWOW
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Talking Good advice

(((((Kristin))))))))))

Good advice! and powerful strong words yet direct. Love it very much. Hope this helps venuss.


(((((Sabra))))))))
Miss seeing you!

(((((((Venuss))))))))))
Relax and enjoy!

Be well.
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