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Old May 25th, 2007, 05:50 PM   #1
mindnsoul
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relationship woes

I am in a relationship with a woman who is married. After a long struggle and couple of years of undecidability, she is ready to divorce him, but wants to be friends with him as she still loves him. While I cannot bear his sight as at the beginning of my relationship with her, he was real a... to me and insulted me on numerous occasions. He tried every trick to break our relationship or to create a rift. Also, in the past my partner has promised me to limit her talks to him to minimum, but has broken them all at will and even was thinking about getting back with him for a while. (though that was under the influence of her parents) She has been a deal-breaker w.r.t him throughout the relationship. Also, she didn't do anything while he was being abusive and dismissed as a natural thing for him to do.

Given the above issues, I don't feel she should have any contact with him. But this has brought an end to our relationship. She still keeps pushing me for the relationship, but somehow I find it hard to accept that he can/will have influence on our lives. She says I am being paranoid and curtailing her freedom by asking her to cutoff all contact with him. They know each other for 10+ years, dated for 5 years and were married for 4, before I had an affair with her.

Logically, I feel this relationship isn't right for me, but deep down I still love her and want to be with her but can't bear to hear she talking about him.

I wanted to know if anybody else has gone through a similar situation; if so, how did they deal with it or any input is welcome.
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Old May 25th, 2007, 08:52 PM   #2
Sabra
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In my opinion she's showing typical abuse victim behavior. She makes excuses for him, says she still loves him and allows him to control her. Unless you're willing to encourage her to have counseling and go with her, she's not going to change. She also may end up a fatality at his hands.

At the same time, you're walking a very thin line. Encouragement or bending her to your will. You need to take a very long hard look at what you want and walk away if necessary. Get yourself counseling to help you understand all of this and to help you make the right choices
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Old May 26th, 2007, 06:50 PM   #3
mindnsoul
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Thanks for a prompt reply!

Her hubby isn't abusive to her, infact the whole time he suspected an affair, he took his anger at me and not at her. Her reasoning, he is the only person who unconditionally loved her and so she feels obligated to be nice to him. Stopping all conversation with him is gonna hurt him and make her feel that she is a bi.. .

I tried going to counselling with her, but it came to an abrupt end as I felt she wasn't giving a true picture to the therapist and we got into terrible fights after each of the sessions on the same topic.( i stopped after 2 sessions).
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Old May 26th, 2007, 10:05 PM   #4
Sabra
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" Also, she didn't do anything while he was being abusive and dismissed as a natural thing for him to do." I misunderstood this statement, thinking she was the one being abused. I do apologize.

You sound as if you think he didn't have a right to try and save his marraige with your statement
" He tried every trick to break our relationship or to create a rift."
She was cheating on him with you. Do you think she won't cheat on you with someone else? My advice to you, is cut all ties with her, work to get yourself settled, centered and over her, then find someone who will give you the love, companionship, fidelity, and relationship you deserve.
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Old May 27th, 2007, 01:15 AM   #5
seo58
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hugs to you mindnsoul
You need to find someone else who is deserving of you, not the other way around. She has a co-dependant relationship with him and you, nor anyone else doesn't need that. Do like Sabra said, move on. It will hurt for a while but you deserve better, imo.
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Old May 28th, 2007, 09:55 PM   #6
mindnsoul
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Thanks Sabra and seo58 for the kind words! I realize that I need to get over this and move on and sooner the better.
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