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Old December 27th, 2009, 12:29 AM   #1
mimi
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here's a complicated situation...!!!

it's probably all my fault, but i need to confide in someone and get some advice.

sorry, this is a long story, but it's a pretty interesting one. i was married for 10 years. the relationship had its ups and downs. downs included periods of time when my spouse was verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling. but overall, life was not too terrible with him. we have two beautiful children together. he was never bad to the kids. just to me, and over time this really bothers me. cause i don't want my kids (two sons) growing up thinking this is ok to do to women.

in the last two years i went back to school and he became very threatened by my advancement. i will eventually make much more money than him, and he was less supportive than he should have been with the housework, kids, etc. this was sad, but i was managing somehow and trying to make things work.

then i unexpectedly meet a boy i knew growing up. he is wonderful, and i trust him enough to tell him some of my unhappiness. he mostly listens to me, but does say i deserve much better. he also confides to me, eventually, that he always loved me when we were young, but never knew how to tell me. knowing i do deserve better, and now feeling like i'm starting to fall in love with another man, i take steps to separate from my husband. because i have always been faithful and believe it would be wrong to have an affair with boy from my past.

my husband goes completely crazy. says he's going to kill himself, threatens ME, it's a bad situation. boy from my past becomes a close friend, although he lives thousands of miles away. we keep in touch via email and phone during the break-up, which ends up to be much more traumatic than i expected. boy from my past says, "i love you" at one point, and because now i am near a nervous breakdown myself, i meet boy from my past and...we share a passionate few days together. we have everything in common, the intimacy is amazing, etc. i start to believe perhaps i love him too. (he is a very, very sincere and caring person...so i think).

so i've left the husband. he is still angry/bitter but not as unstable as before. we arrange joint custody and the kids seem to be fairing well. i take a few months off school to deal with everything.

now boy from my past hesitates, says, maybe we're not in love...i'm not sure i can provide what you need. i've never been around children, never saw myself having children. (also, boy from my past is 6 years younger than i--not so much, but he's 27 and i'm 33.) we are still in contact, but things are different. it's hard for me to know if i can trust him, or if i ever loved him? or if he ever loved me? was he just comforting me? wanted to rescue me?

this is breaking my heart, since although i was in a bad relationship, him coming into my life was part of my motivation in leaving my husband. because boy from my past told me, you can do better, you deserve better...but somewhere along the line i fell in love with him... and i had come to hope for a better future with boy from my past.

my questions are: does boy from my past really love me? or did he somehow tell me what i wanted to hear and this is all a illusion? was i right to leave husband? maybe i should have stayed longer and tried to work on it?

but i do think i was right to leave him.

i feel so awful. tricked? foolish? not only dealing with end of the marriage, but also now heartbroken over boy from my past. and by the way, i never told anyone about that person. i kept it a secret, to protect him, and i suppose, to protect myself from people saying i cheated. because although i was with him when i was technically still married, i had told my husband it was over between us. i am glad i never told him, as husband kept asking repeatedly if there was anyone else, and said he would beat the shit out of anyone who touched his wife.

THIS IS AGONY! SOMEONE HELP!
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Old December 27th, 2009, 09:33 AM   #2
Wolf_angel
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(((((Mimi)))))))) Its right for you to leave said abusive husband. You were vulnerable to fall in love with another. Tis only human. Now that man isnt sure whatever he thought ya'll were supposed to have now. Well honey move on. Grab your boot straps and go do it yourself. I am in something similiar and taking the steps to get out of it. To move on grabbing my boot straps and have a better life. Take the time to read some of my previous posts. You will see. The best thing you did do was leave the abusive husband. Now pick up the pieces and move on. Hope this helps.
Have a great day!
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Old December 27th, 2009, 02:42 PM   #3
bestplayer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mimi View Post
it's probably all my fault, but i need to confide in someone and get some advice.

sorry, this is a long story, but it's a pretty interesting one. i was married for 10 years. the relationship had its ups and downs. downs included periods of time when my spouse was verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling. but overall, life was not too terrible with him. we have two beautiful children together. he was never bad to the kids. just to me, and over time this really bothers me. cause i don't want my kids (two sons) growing up thinking this is ok to do to women.

in the last two years i went back to school and he became very threatened by my advancement. i will eventually make much more money than him, and he was less supportive than he should have been with the housework, kids, etc. this was sad, but i was managing somehow and trying to make things work.

then i unexpectedly meet a boy i knew growing up. he is wonderful, and i trust him enough to tell him some of my unhappiness. he mostly listens to me, but does say i deserve much better. he also confides to me, eventually, that he always loved me when we were young, but never knew how to tell me. knowing i do deserve better, and now feeling like i'm starting to fall in love with another man, i take steps to separate from my husband. because i have always been faithful and believe it would be wrong to have an affair with boy from my past.

my husband goes completely crazy. says he's going to kill himself, threatens ME, it's a bad situation. boy from my past becomes a close friend, although he lives thousands of miles away. we keep in touch via email and phone during the break-up, which ends up to be much more traumatic than i expected. boy from my past says, "i love you" at one point, and because now i am near a nervous breakdown myself, i meet boy from my past and...we share a passionate few days together. we have everything in common, the intimacy is amazing, etc. i start to believe perhaps i love him too. (he is a very, very sincere and caring person...so i think).

so i've left the husband. he is still angry/bitter but not as unstable as before. we arrange joint custody and the kids seem to be fairing well. i take a few months off school to deal with everything.

now boy from my past hesitates, says, maybe we're not in love...i'm not sure i can provide what you need. i've never been around children, never saw myself having children. (also, boy from my past is 6 years younger than i--not so much, but he's 27 and i'm 33.) we are still in contact, but things are different. it's hard for me to know if i can trust him, or if i ever loved him? or if he ever loved me? was he just comforting me? wanted to rescue me?

this is breaking my heart, since although i was in a bad relationship, him coming into my life was part of my motivation in leaving my husband. because boy from my past told me, you can do better, you deserve better...but somewhere along the line i fell in love with him... and i had come to hope for a better future with boy from my past.

my questions are: does boy from my past really love me? or did he somehow tell me what i wanted to hear and this is all a illusion? was i right to leave husband? maybe i should have stayed longer and tried to work on it?

but i do think i was right to leave him.

i feel so awful. tricked? foolish? not only dealing with end of the marriage, but also now heartbroken over boy from my past. and by the way, i never told anyone about that person. i kept it a secret, to protect him, and i suppose, to protect myself from people saying i cheated. because although i was with him when i was technically still married, i had told my husband it was over between us. i am glad i never told him, as husband kept asking repeatedly if there was anyone else, and said he would beat the shit out of anyone who touched his wife.

THIS IS AGONY! SOMEONE HELP!

from ur posts it does not appear ur marriage was so much bad that could not have been fixed , so ending ur marriage for some other guy I really dont think it is fair & only possible if u hated ur husband .
any way atleast u r free & can start over no matter with this guy or someone else .
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Old December 29th, 2009, 09:51 AM   #4
Wolf_angel
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Well it takes two to make a marriage work. Not one doing 90 percent of the work. If you are feeling ignored or not loved, then things dissolve eventually. I ought to know. I wasnt looking for anyone. I was happy in my marriage. Yet he went looking got a girlfriend and now she is pregnant! This all happened when said husband went ballistic on me back in February of this year. He has issues and needed to deal with them. Instead he went elsewhere and now look what kind of situation he has put me in as well as himself. I am going to do what I must to get a happier life. Right now men can be my friends but nothing else. Hence, I am going to take time to rebuild my life and make it mine! So tell me why am I getting the blame for the husband's choices? Why should I have to suffer all the while and now more so? I dont think I should nor am I going to. He will have to live with his choices he has made. He will find out the hard way, that he hurt me beyond belief and I am done with solving his problems. For now he by his choice will have more than before not including dealing with me. Oh well twas his choice again.
Have a great day!
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