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Old December 27th, 2010, 10:26 AM   #1
WDianneS
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It's complicated ....

Haven't we all heard that before

Well it isn't really the kind of thing I can discuss with any of my friends because, first, none of them would 'get it' and second I am a very honourable person and this is totally out of character for me.

I am in love with a married man, and he with me. Neither of this intended this to happen and neither saw it coming or we would have stopped it. He is 12 years my junior and neither of us are spring chickens (I am 61). He also has a 14 year old daughter and that complicates things. He to is an honourable person and would never do anything that would hurt his daughter but the situation is driving us both nuts!

We met on-line about 4 years ago in a support forum for people with a particular type of medical problem and at the time he was dealing with a drug habit and alcoholism. I was dealing with my own issues of self-esteem and mistrust (resulting from childhood abuse). We seemed to connect and were there for each other in dealing with our life issues, always in a very caring and non-judgemental way. I didn't trust men but over time found myself opening up to him and he was always positive and encouraging. During the same time I was helping him kick his drug habit and get his alcoholism under control. His marriage had been a parasitic relationship for decades but he stayed out of a feeling of obligation to his daughter. Mean time I still wasn't letting any man get close to me (emotionally) because I didn't trust men.

About two years ago we both realized we had fallen in love with each other. We had shared so much, things we had never shared with another living soul, but we also knew the situation was unwise and we were conflicted. I tried to break it off, dropped all contact with him, but after 3 months I realized I just couldn't let go and went back. He tried to break it off to - we both tried a couple of times and it was to no avail. And in the last couple of years we have lived with this incredible love but never been together face to face - something we both fear because we know what will happen. He is trying to bring things on his end to as good a conclusion as possible before we get together because we both fear that once we are together there will be no going back and being separated again would be torture.

So we sit, half a country apart, both longing to be somewhere else, for the situation to be different, and I don't even have anyone to talk to about it, nobody who understands how strong love can be.

I have tried to walk away, I have even dated others, but I always come back to the same point and face the same longing.

It will all blow up soon. I will be "the home wrecker" and there will be repercussions for both of us but it seems neither of us have the power to prevent the inevitable.....

I guess I feel a little better for finally putting all this in words. Thanks ladies.

D.
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Old December 27th, 2010, 01:54 PM   #2
Jennifer23
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So you haven't actually met him face to face?
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Old December 28th, 2010, 01:15 PM   #3
WDianneS
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No, we haven't met face to face. We have exchanged thousands of emails, spend hundreds of hours on the phone, many hours on messenger + web-cam, but we both know that meeting will be like dropping a match in the gasoline so we have been trying to avoid that until his situation is different. That could change suddenly as we are both struggling to stick to the plan - so far we haven't both had "a weak moment" at the same time.
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Old December 28th, 2010, 09:12 PM   #4
Jennifer23
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Hi Dianne,
It would be just so hard for me do something like this unless I actaully met the guy and talked person to person, without all the communication devices out there. You hear all this stuff about internet connections, but I would want to see my guy and talk to him before I committed to anything. Am out there, or do you see what I'm saying?
Jennifer
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Old December 29th, 2010, 05:59 AM   #5
WDianneS
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Of course I see what you are saying and I would have thought so to.

I think the "protection" afforded by the Internet was initially a factor in how all this started. We met and got to know each other on a closed support forum so it was sort of like an AA meeting where you know each other's 'issues' first and then get to know them as a person and, as a support forum, we talked about things that we would never talk about to anyone but a very close and trusted friend. We discussed fears, past wrongs, hurts, and many other things that I would never have said even to a close friend, many things I never even admitted to myself before. We both reached a level of emotional intimacy that neither of us had ever experienced before. Had we met face to face and had the physical been a factor, I doubt our relationship would have grown to this level, or at least it would have taken years longer.

Of course we have seen each other (hours and hours via web-cam) and talked a great deal on the telephone. We have discussed the possibility that it (the relationship) might totally fizzle when we meet but it doesn't feel that way.
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Old December 29th, 2010, 01:23 PM   #6
Jennifer23
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Well then, I think the next step would be to meet him. I don't think you would want keep carrying on a long distance relationship like this one. I hope it works out for the best.
Jennifer
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Old February 14th, 2011, 07:21 PM   #7
moniker
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My biggest concern is that he's with his wife only for the sake of his daughter. As anyone who grew up in a household with parents that weren't in love will tell you, staying together for the child/children is never, ever a good idea. It puts a strange view of love/marriage in the child's head and doesn't help anyone. The parents are miserable and the child senses this and develops the idea that love and marriage should cause misery, which is the last message you want to send to your child.

If he is unwilling to come to terms with the fact that it's better for everyone (himself, his daughter and even his wife) to terminate the relationship, then he isn't as mature a man as you see him.
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Old February 22nd, 2011, 03:02 AM   #8
JANE20/20
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Hi wDianneS.....it really sounds complicated....but it's not physical...and that's good....and emotions are hard to deal with but not impossible to overcome....I'm going to say the decision is
clear....he...is...married....and you shouldn't allow the relationship to go on any longer......you'll be helping him cheat...and that not good...and it's not anything that you should want for yourself or need....every married man has a story.....

He has to or should be completely divorced....before trying to start another relationship with you.....and you shouldn't want anything less.....and I will add that you really want to consider where he was in his life when you met him....and all that entails....do you really want to take all that on?....what about relapses?....did the past relapses invlove any type of crime?...theft?...or physical or emotional abuse with his wife or children?...how many relapses has he had?....can he keep a job?....does he work full time?..how long has he had his job?....and you can't fix him.....he has to fix himself...

I say that because often times we as women want to try and fix or rehabilitate a man.....maybe you should consider a man that is free....not married or involved in a relationship...and who isn't in recovery.....maybe give yourself that option.......
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