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Old April 20th, 2002, 10:46 AM   #1
Let the sunshine in!
Sunshine's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Mesa, Arizona
Posts: 79

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing
suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature
figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure
carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can
either front up at WalMart's Women's Plus department and try on a floral suit
with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from
Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department
store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range
of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I
noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by
NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus
that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you
are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark
taking a swipe at your passing midriffwould immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in
place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one
bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At
last, I located it-- flattened--beside my seventh rib. The problem is that
modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her
bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump
and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but, unfortunately, it only fit those bits of
me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized
cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh! There you
are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit....I replied that I wasn't so sure,
and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin
in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came
out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrow to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that
fit--a two piece affair with shorts-style bottom and a loose, blouse-type
top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label which said: "Material may become
transparent in water."
I'm determined to wear it anyway... I'll just have to learn to do the
breaststroke in the sand.

Author - Unknown
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Old April 20th, 2002, 11:16 AM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 2,048
Love is never defeated, and I could add, the history of Ireland proves it. -- Pope John Paul II
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Old April 20th, 2002, 12:23 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,159
Hi Sunshine! I love your story.

I discovered bathing suits with built-in bras, and the suits are sold by bra size. I find them at Robinson-May, and I'm sorry I don't remember the brand name.
We must travel in the direction of our fear. --John Berryman
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Old April 21st, 2002, 10:24 AM   #4
Let the sunshine in!
Sunshine's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Mesa, Arizona
Posts: 79
Bathing Suit Shopping

Thank you for the tip. After this past journey of shopping though, I think I will hold off for awhile before I venture out into that jungle of bathsuits. Sunshine!
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