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Old April 26th, 2011, 12:09 PM   #1
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Unhappy This Ring

It's been over two years now, and my husband and I started out so happy. I felt so bonded to my husband and I thought he felt just as bonded. We also have a beautiful little baby girl together.
After we got married, that's when I noticed things between us somewhat started to change.
I noticed distance and lots of time on the computer on his end. Even now. Til this day.
He put a lot of care and time into his family, as in his dad and brothers. We've been living back and forth between family, both mine and his. More of his. It was when we were staying at his family's house when I noticed problems the most. He would put more effort into what they wanted or needed than what we needed. I noticed that there would be more of the distance and even more time on the computer. From morning til night. It would be really late at night.
I noticed things in the history browsing and the search bar where it shows links and searches to porno and also actual dating sites. Subscriptions were sent to his actual email. xxxmatch.com, match.com, sweetorseductive.com, eharmony, okcupid.com. etc.
His whole family is into porn. I'm guessing that's where his curiosity came from.
I believe it was when I was pregnant when I felt the worst amount of distance. I felt so emotional. I cried a lot. My husband said it was because of the hormones of pregnancy that made me so moody. But it wasn't. There were actual problems that I needed to talk to him about, actual emotions and thoughts and so on. I saw porno and more dating sites. He denied it, of course.
It confused me because he always tells me that he loves me. A lot of the time. Throughout the day, everyday. He tells me he's happy. He tells me he's satisfied with things. But then I'm still confused and bothered. I'm still trying to figure out if I make him so happy then what's the problem? Why the porn and the dating sites? It became so emotional that I thought I could just go with the porno addiction if he would drop the dating sites at least.
I have also felt vaginal pains in the past, where it became so uncomfortable that we had to wait or put off making love. But now that's not our issue.
So now we're back at his parents. He told me that things would change, referring to the amount of time on the computer and such. He told me that we're going to forget about everyone this time and think about ourselves and get our own things going. He told me that we're going to get our own place. Be on our own. But now I noticed he went back to the old habit of staying on the computer a long time each day and even up late at night still. Like last night he was up til about 5 AM in the morning. And he claims that his family doesn't matter now, that we're still getting our stuff together. The last few nights he's been on, he has kissed me before he went to sleep.
I also feel depressed about being here at his family's house. My husband understands it, but he gets frustrated or bothered because of how I feel about things. He understands it to a certain degree. His family is just as disrespectful as mine are. And they are just as demanding and pushy. They are just as involved, more than they even should be. They intervene. They are nice and friendly. They've always been friendly. But they haven't respected our privacy and our need to be on our own. Not really. And I don't know how to really approach or handle this problem without being disrespectful to my husband, since it's his family. They never took us seriously, I noticed. And his oldest brother is more of a problem than they are. He is selfish and pushy. Opinionated. Self absorbed. I never liked his oldest brother. Every time my husband and I tried to get out there and get our own thing going, his oldest brother would take extreme advantage of us. And they take advantage of my husband in a lot of ways but he won't really see it. We're expected to take care of everyone in his family. We're expected to drop things. I mean they've done things for us, yes. But it's like we owe something. I dunno.
I really love my husband. And I will always be kind to his family for his sake. But sometimes I feel this weight on my shoulders, this pressure. It makes me feel down a lot of times. I told my husband this in a kinder way. That I wasn't happy here. Not until we finally get our own thing together. And then he always asks me if I trust him. He said if I trust him and have faith in him that I would just know that we're getting our stuff together this time. But I look to the past and how we've always dropped things for them. So there's just a little bit of fear there.
I don't want to cause an uproar between him and his family. I always want them to continue the bond that a family should have. I just want everyone from both sides of the family to back off now. It's no longer about them. If only they would see that.
I need advice that's kind of mutual I guess. Something that resolves the issues between my husband and I.
Thanks. LoveForever88.
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Old April 26th, 2011, 05:55 PM   #2
awesome cookie lady
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leechburgh, PA
Posts: 1,959
Just a few things. First get out of his families home. you are a family you, him, and your little girl so act like one and be on your own.
Second, counsiling. it will help if you are in a safe place and air out or I should say hash out your problems. It takes work.
It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt
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Old April 26th, 2011, 07:31 PM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,187
Hi Love. My insight won't be great as far your situation because I'm not married, and certainly not in the situation that you are. This may sound crazy, but I'd say that both you and your husband would be better off avoiding both of your families for awhile and just concentrating on your immediate family. If you can somehow do that I think that it could bring you closer together, to the point where you wouldn't have a problem bringing each of your families back at a time when you both feel comfortable.
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