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Old December 5th, 2010, 12:13 AM   #1
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Am I a pushover?

I've always wanted to be in a happy relationship with a girl I really like and get on well with, and I feel like for the first time in my life I've really found someone I could fall in love with. I absolutely adore my girlfriend. And I actually feel so happy to have finally found her. But she's had a difficult past. Three months ago she kicked her drug habit, I didn't know her when she took drugs but she said she went into an awful place and attempted to commit suicide. This stuff is deep and although I feel mature for my age and I'm always supportive to her, I'm only 18 (she's almost 21) and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little. But I believe everyone has a past and we can get through any struggles together. Having said that, she's been honest with me and told me she has a slutty reputation. She's cheated on all her girlfriends before me, has had lots of one night stands and even slept with lots of boys even though she is infact a lesbian. I, on the other hand have only ever slept with one boy before her, before I admitted to myself that I was gay. She tells me she hates the person she's become because of the wild period of her life she just went through with drugs and just wants to settle down with me and have a proper relationship with no cheating or sleeping around, and I feel so much for her already, that's exactly what I want aswell. But she's told me it won't happen over night, and although she does not take drugs anymore, she says she doesn't trust herself to not hook up with other people when she's on a night out and I'm not there. At first I thought well that's only going to hurt me (and I'd been through that with my first partner for almost a year) but soon I realised I know she has issues, I'm willing to be patient, I only want to be with this girl, I want to help her change, I want her to be able to be happy, and I want her to be happy with me. I realised this would mean I'm going to get hurt, but she says with time she might not even want to do it anymore once we are in a proper secure relationship. So we're together, but the relationship is slanted monogamous on my side and on hers she is trying to be. It's difficult because we live an hour apart so we have different friends and obviously go out and have fun separately. Last night she got very drunk (I do the same, but I would never even kiss anyone no matter what state I get in because I could never cheat on someone) and she says she kissed someone and had a bit of a grope. Of course this hurts me but I knew it wouldn't be perfect straight away, it's only been a month, she's communicating with me and honesty is always the best policy for me, so I feel that I trust her because I know what she's doing, she is never ever spiteful, she's just insecure and trying to change, she's been through such a difficult stage in her life and it's going to take her a while to just get out of the lifestyle she's been living. I know alot of people say she is "cheap" and I know she has a reputation and the lesbians she's been with probably think I'm wasting my time, but I feel like they don't matter because things will be different when she's with me. This is a different approach, she's told me in her past relationships there was always jealousy, lies, drama, ex'es being involved, but with me there's never going to be that because well I only have one ex and he has a willy and I won't be going back to that! I have faith in her, I want us to work so badly, it's only early days, and yes, although I've been faithful to her for this first month of our relationship and she hasn't, I know I look like a pushover, but if it makes us work in the longrun and helps her develop personally and be able to be in a trusting relationship, I feel like it's worth it, and I'll wait for her to be ready to commit to me fully. My friend told me she thinks I put myself in destructive relationships subconciously and I suppose it's true that it would be emotionally easier to just walk away from it but I just feel for my girlfriend so much, I want to do this for her as a friend, for us as her girlfriend and for me so I can be happy with the person I feel like I've waited 18 years in the closet to find. She might not be the perfect start but I want to try so much, do you think I'm doing the best thing? SORRY for the rant. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks.
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