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Old July 28th, 2002, 11:18 AM   #16
Sabra
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If you're in the US, look into a phone book and contact an ACLU office. They are in all major cities and some have branches in smaller cities. This is right up their alley
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Old May 15th, 2003, 09:54 AM   #17
Karen
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I am free!

I just found this site this morning and found it very interesting. I had been in an abusive marriage for 15 years. It was verbal emotional and some what physical. To this day I can't figure out why I even married him but I am certain of why i divorced him. The divorce was probably the hardest thing i have ever done in my life but it was the best thing i have ever done. I no longer get told (on a daily basis) that i am fat, ugly, worthless, will never amt. to anything, I no longer get bounced off the walls, or shoved to the floor being told that one day he would shoot me to put us both out of our misery. It has been 2 years now since i have left. These have been the 2 best years of my life! Please, if any one is dealing with this believe me that life can be better and you are better than that.
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Old May 15th, 2003, 10:42 AM   #18
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((((((Karen))))))

Sry you had to go through that. It took alot of courage to do what you did. But yes you are better than that ,we all are.
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Old May 17th, 2003, 01:40 PM   #19
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((((((((((((( Karen))))))))))))), Isn't it great what getting away from an abusive marriage/relationship can do to one's self -esteem?! May you continue to have continued success in your life.
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Old August 21st, 2004, 09:09 PM   #20
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"We are beautiful flowers"

Quote:
Originally posted by AuntieWOW
Different in form and yet just as devastating as physical abuse.

Please share here.

"Ladies remember, we ARE what makes the world go round"!

Even though I'm new to this room, I feel very close to everyone in here. I've read all of the similar stories, and it makes me feel as though I was standing right in the middle of my living room. I have been married to a man, who had me lose interest in friends, and family. Now I look back, and I don't have not one friend in the world, only his family. You know you have to be careful of that, the wrong advice will be given. Even though I know the friendship is not genuine, she's all I know. After the last anger outburst, I knew I had to leave. I was teaching my girls to stay with a man, even though he degraded your self being. We've broken up trillions of times,only to end up together again. I've lost out on dozens of good relationships, not just intimate ones because of always giving him my whole. As of today, August 20th, I've given up my superwoman cape. I've decided to live on earth now. I feel so releived. I now know that I've given it my all, no matter what he says. No more guilt trips ladies, NO MORE! I hope this letter is encouraging to a lot of women, or MEN. Don't feel stupid, we all have to have that moment of clarity. When you get that one breif moment, then and only then will you see life for what it truly is. Depression will not be far away after the break-up so be aware. Think of it as ones way of cleansing the inner self.

Love,
teel0
teelo2816@yahoo.com
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Old December 20th, 2004, 03:55 PM   #21
bellneke
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Help-Emailed me preferrably

Hi, this is my first time here. I am in an abusive relationship. I didn't know that being strong is actually a weakness. I am unwilling to leave without income. A job that is and have just come to the conclusion that any job will do. Outside of my home I am sociable, easy to get along with, very vocal. In my home, in my relationship I am a mess. I have a lot of career hats that are volunteer or do not offer pay. I have a small business and need one client to make it happen. So, I figure the small business will be a back up plan. But, for now I must find something. I've been a stay at home mom who has kids with special needs. Well, one just graduated from the Special Education program. I guess I did something right. I am considered a leader in the community. Yet, I have no support for my kids. Everything is a fight. Yes, looked into daycare. I refuse to go on welfare. He is not consistent with working-therefore can not depend on child support. I only have myself to depend on. What is so wrong about a woman recognizing that she is in an abusive relationship, wants a job or a way to support her children first then leave the SOB? He is killing me softly. I've put in over 60 resumes and cover letters locally and on the internet. In terms of jobs I get I'm too bright or over qualified. Hotlines don't work. Shelters around here do not accept women who are not domestically abused. You have to be domestically abused, or a single mom to get help. It is ridiculous. I am a writer, almost two time published poet. I can't go to certain events that are empowering because something with him always comes up. I have tried everything. I will not leave unless I have income. I refuse to live my mother's life. I refuse to suffer because I have suffered enough. Something is better than nothing. I believe the abuse to be the following at one point in time, oh and three years of counseling without him being a active participant: sexual abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, and emotional. I know what I need to do but the situation seems hopeless. Any ideals besides the most common statements. "just leave" "go to a shelter", etc. Email a response:bellneke@yahoo.com
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Old December 20th, 2004, 08:42 PM   #22
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Talking Well.......Here goes

(((((Bellneke))))))
Not sure what to tell you.I have been there and then some. The only way out is to go and get a part time job at a local place like Kmart or some such place. Then when you have done this, you will have income yet not enough to survive without help from other local agencies like welfare or child support. Either way you may have to accept it til you can get a job in the areas you are qualified for. Its a start so dont put it beneath you. Sometimes you have to start from a low rung to get where you wish to be. Other than getting out or seeing if you have family that can help you not sure what else to tell you. Its your choice and totally understand about needing income before you move yet do you realize that many women have done such a thing as you are saying you are doing end up worse. That is just a thought to consider. Is it worth the abuse that you have to contend with? The best thing other than getting out is reaching out. You may not like the answers you get but there is only limited resources. A friend of mine wasnt sure what to do so she did 250 resumes and sent them out. She got back like 160 replies wanting to hire her. It was a shot in the dark and the unknown yet now she is the manager there. I know that coming and posting online here is a good way to help yourself. By venting.! We all do it. Maybe you should just come into chat and relax. Just another thought there. I wish you the best and hope all goes well.
Merry Christmas
Have a great day!
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Old December 20th, 2004, 09:03 PM   #23
bellneke
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WillowWow thank you so much for your insightful message. Family here, where I live I have none. Do have family back home in California. I planned on gradually working my way back. And there i go again, all the planning in the world is not going to help with my current status quo. I've been ill lately as well. Throwing up for the last two months, burning in my stomach, can't eat, nerves are jumpy. Was exercising had to cut back because of his schedule. That and it is freezing. Try to go for walks with the kids whenever possible. Actually, took my son with me to fill out an application. I do research as a hobby. I find all this info. but none to help with the here and now except for WOW. Venting is good, I do that at poetry readings. Try very hard to have venues. Making connections with people extremely hard. In a sociable setting I am able to. It's the holiday so I will keep looking. I just quit working for a store like Kmart in July and very mean to their employees. Not Kmart in particular a different company. What I am saying is I can get a job doing that kind of work as long as I pretend to not be smart. Very fustrating, it will get worse before it gets better. Tomorrow, I am calling Housing Commission to see about Section 8, meaning if I am by myself will they help with half of the rent. If I can pin that down, once I get a job or start my business I can go down to the courthouse and file for full custody. Anyone know of any services. Welfare, tried that and they say living above the means is a no no no. You have to live in affordable housing for welfare to help. So, my only other option is something like Section 8 helping with rent where you are already living. Subsidized Housing you have to move where they have openings- may have to consider that as well. Subsidized is bull becuase they come out with a sign up sheet every 3 months, and then you wait a year. Any ideals. let me know?
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Old December 24th, 2004, 01:16 AM   #24
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Talking Well.........

((((((((((bellneke)))))))))
Other than checking on the resources maybe you should make a list of the ones in your area. Then systematically go to each one. I know there is the Salvation Army (Great people there) Equal Opportunity Cabinet (another great resource) You could go to your local town hall and see what they have on file. Either way it sounds like you know what you have to do. Yet I would still encourage you to come into chat. There are many roomies who might have more ideas than I have. Plus its a great way to meet people and make friends. The entire point is do what you must to make your life better. It will more than likely get worse but it will get better. Also another thought have you talked to your family about this? Maybe they can help as well. Just a thought. Other than that, keep on posting and updating. I like to hear that your situation will get better. The steps you have to take and etc. This way if another person gets in your situation or one that is similar maybe it would help them as well. Just a thought. Also getting out does help but remember to take time to relax. Go see a doctor for the burning in your stomach that doesnt sound good. In order to help your children and yourself you need to be healthy. Just a thought. Also what kind of hours does your spouse work? Maybe in that time frame you can get some relaxation in for yourself. Helps cure many things. Let me know.
Merry Christmas
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Old March 2nd, 2005, 03:11 PM   #25
AngelEyeZ
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there are many forms of abuse, and none of them are right or justified, i myself have got over the abuse with my partner, and now find myself in the unique position of being abused by his stepson...i have come to opinion that...until i leave and start again this will go on..and yes..like the other lady that is enough to scare me witless....but i have contacted various agencies in the hope they can help me...angels come in many forms
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Old March 2nd, 2005, 03:15 PM   #26
AngelEyeZ
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belle

i too am a published poet and now an artist...and you are soo right..unless you show signs of injuries or u have a witness..help isnt always easy...i was battered by my sterpson last nite..and as a minor..hes now out and in the home..the state will file charges but..i expect him to get off...good friends who u think are your friends all fall by the way..when u have 'problems'..beleive me ive lost 2 many to count....belle..always trust your instincts
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Old March 2nd, 2005, 03:53 PM   #27
bellneke
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Thank you so much for telling the truth. I thought I was crazy because I have not been able to find the support I need. Even professionals are uncomfortable talking about the issue at hand. The real help is in the writing. Somebody is bound to hear us in that way. We are not the problem. I have in my hands papers for PPO and Custody. We live together so I am not trying to have it delivered while I am here once I turn them in. My only options are shelters which are not an option, or claim homelessness. Shelters are not an option because life has to be in danger or if you are physically attacked. Well, there you go there is no help. My writing reached back home and they did an article about me and an issue from my past. Beautiful article just doesn't refelct the present. My non paying professional life does not reflect my painful personal life. Soon, hopefully those paths will cross and I will find a way out. Everytime I call the shelters for counseling at least they are booked up. Some of the agencies work together so I get the go around. I am seeking counseling for the rapings that exist now in my relationship and as a past incest survivor. Now, that I am fully awake, the action piece is missing. No help, no where to turn, no one to talk to. I asked the counselor that I have seen for three years why she did not tell me about the PPO and Free Custody papers. She's known I have been mentally, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused. She says, "I didn't know you were ready to take it to that point/level." What the hell. Basically, she's been keeping me in the dark and trying to control the situation. If my partner needs info. on a Father's class. She says here u my cell phone. If I am looking for support groups then "Oh, just go on line" The computer is down I reply. Then when you take the kids to the library. Is that helping people? No. She should have that info. available on hard copy. Because I have searched it does not exist. Every once in a while may see something in the Community newspaper. I think I will be dead in a river before anyone helps. I come off too strong and I don't fit the image so the help will not ever exist for people like myself is the message. A friend told me I should have an affair with someone and that will get my partner out of the house. Really it would only create more problems. The more I bring up the sexual abuse the more it occurs. 3 times last week woke up to him fondling and having sex with me. Or he will reply I don't remember or I was sleeping. Once so far this week.
Thanks and keep me in your prayers. The only reason why I am still alive is for the kids.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 12:24 PM   #28
lindarella52
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verbal abuse

I have been care-giver to a man for 6 years. He has an astro-cytoma brain tumor and wasn't expected to live more than 2 years after diagnosis. He is a Vietnam veteran and was a deputy sherrif for many years. I am a product of of much spousal abuse....in my first marriage, my husband was verbally and physically abusive........I of course, decided in my mind that it was because we were so young and didn't know what we were doing. My second marriage was emotionally abusive. It is so strange, my childhood was wonderful!! My parents were and still are very loving people. Nothing in my past as a child would lead into this.
This man I take care of is unkind....at first I just figured it was because he was sick.......but I now know that he is abusive and controlling. I am one of those NICE people......you kow the kind........the type people walk all over. I hesitate to ask anyone for anything. This last episode with him has left me feeling as though I have been beaten up from the inside out. He of course...is going about his business as if nothing ever happened. I believe he feels nothing did. But I, once again have been placed in an empty dark place within myself. When I was young,I could pull out easily....I am 53 years old now and I don't bounce back anymore. It is rather pathetic. I had been free from abuse for almost 10 years before I started taking care of this man.....now his 90 year old mother lives here and she also needs care. I want to leave when she goes to heaven.....I know I should leave now...and I did, for 10 weeks over the summer....but leaving her haunted me. I have ordered some books on verbal abuse..........ironically...I am a Mental Health Tech.....I know all about this and can help others.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 09:04 PM   #29
IRISH_EYES_99
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Sometimes when the abuse begins we don't see the signs. Sometimes we blame ourselves, YOU DON'T DESERVE ABUSE!!!!
NO ONE DOES>

Today we are lucky to be in a society that knows abuse does not have to be tolerated.


If you are taking care of this person as a professional health giver, go to your supervisor ask to be transferred to a different case.

An abuser will go on and on as far as they can get away with it. They are in control. You need to get out from under that control.

NO! It's not easy to do. It's hard to step away... but it NEEDS to be done.

Go for counseling. Find out why you are allowing yourself to be put/ stay in the abusive situation.

Take care of yourself. Take steps to be safe from abuse. Realize you don't deserve any abuse.

Tell them NO MORE! NO MORE!
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Old January 1st, 2006, 09:45 PM   #30
lindarella52
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Quote:
Originally posted by IRISH_EYES_99
Sometimes when the abuse begins we don't see the signs. Sometimes we blame ourselves, YOU DON'T DESERVE ABUSE!!!!
NO ONE DOES>

Today we are lucky to be in a society that knows abuse does not have to be tolerated.


If you are taking care of this person as a professional health giver, go to your supervisor ask to be transferred to a different case.

An abuser will go on and on as far as they can get away with it. They are in control. You need to get out from under that control.

NO! It's not easy to do. It's hard to step away... but it NEEDS to be done.

Go for counseling. Find out why you are allowing yourself to be put/ stay in the abusive situation.

Take care of yourself. Take steps to be safe from abuse. Realize you don't deserve any abuse.

Tell them NO MORE! NO MORE!
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