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Old June 13th, 2003, 01:41 PM   #16
ec1127
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Unhappy The Punishment

I am not sure if this is the place to post...but I figure it's as good as any. I am 22 and when I was 17, I was sexually assualted by a guy I had been dating for 2 weeks. And the stupid part was that I knew it was not right, I knew that I had said no, and that things went on anyway. And yet, I told no one, I did nothing, I even SAW THIS GUY AGAIN...and with the same result. I just could not seem to let myself believe that it had really happened, to me, that I had really been...raped...

Even now, 5 years later, I have a very difficult time saying the word... the "r" word as I put it. And this folder has definately shown me that I am not the only one who feels these things, who wakes up everyday with the dread, the dread of knowing that I HAVE to deal with this every day of my life. That no matter how well I think I am doing, that the smallest detail, the simplest situation, can cause a very striking and damaging memory to surface. And no matter how much I try to deal, I know that it will live with me forever.

The worst part for me was when I met the special someone, and had to let them in on my all too horrid past. It was bad enough that it scared me, much less to tell it to someone else. As it was...at 20, I had only told 4 people since the incident occurred. I was simply ashamed...angry...hurt...and an emotional wreck, and chose to keep it to myself rather than humiliate myself and tell everyone. And yet somehow, he managed to allow me to trust enough to let him in on my dark secret. And when I told him, I felt like dying. The hurt on his face, the pain I saw, scared me to no end. I did not understand how much effect my words, my ordeals would have on someone else. But he truly cared, and he was truly hurting with me, wishing he had been there to protect me, to keep this event from ever occurring. And over the last year and a half, we have been dealing with the pains, the issues and working through them one at a time. And while everyone else I had told had always said, "Go talk to someone, go get help... see a professional," he seemed to understand that it was just something I had to deal with on my own. He asked me once, after a few months, whether I had ever talked to anyone professionally about it, and I told him. I had seen two counselors, one shortly after it happened, when I first told my best friend at the time, and once a few years later. And each time, I left the sessions feeling like I had regressed instead of moving forward. It was then that I realized, that for ME, I had to take matters into my own hands, I had to work through things myself. I was too confused, too distraught, to even BEGIN to explain to someone I knew, much less a stranger. I was so humiliated when it came to telling these strangers, that I just never got the truth out. And I saw each one several times, and each time it just got worse.

And so, since then, I have dealt with things in my own way...I suffered a bout of depression, of humiliation, of low self worth. And yet, I am here, and I am getting through. And while I realize that eventually professional help may be necessary, I did the most valuable thing I could for myself, and just trusted in myself to work through what I could. It was all I could do at the time. I just wish all the women out there dealing with this everyday of their lives, could all get together, and just vent...I feel that sometimes that is all that we need. Especially when the anger hits...that's all I feel somedays now, anger...anger that my life was changed, that I was changed, that nothing for me will ever be the same, that I constantly look over my shoulder watching for someone to attack, or hurt, or whatever. And angry that I live with all of this every day of my life...and will forever.
But I know that I CAN get through this, and will!
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Old June 13th, 2003, 01:53 PM   #17
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Sounds like you have a very special man there, ec1127.

I think your vent here is a way to "get together" with others sharing the same pain.
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Old June 13th, 2003, 02:13 PM   #18
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Post Venting

I agree with you Cod...that's why I chose to write here! Venting is all too important!
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Old July 30th, 2003, 06:22 PM   #19
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Excellent point Muskrat and I agree with you. Rape isn't about sex, but should be included in sex education courses......of course here in the states, to even have sex education in schools took an act of congress
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Old June 2nd, 2005, 04:05 PM   #20
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Hello, I am new to this site but I am trying to find some way to express all that I am going thru. About 30 yrs ago I was sexually assaulted and raped by my uncle. My grandmother babysat for me and my uncle would always take me to the basement to play. This is where he would do things to me and tell me that if I told anyone he would tell them it was all my idea. This happen from the age of 6-8 and at that age i believed him. I have been living with this under my belt for 30 yrs and I have just in the last 7 yrs finally told a few people about it. One being my husband. I told him what happend and thats about all that was ever said. Well we have been married for 7 yrs and actually are now in the process of a divorce. We just started the process and are both sleeping in the same bed yet since there is no other beds that do not have kids in them. The last couple weeks he has been trying sexual things with me. I tell him no, push him away and even cry and yet he still keeps pushing me till i get to a point where i feel as if i am paralized. I get flash backs of what my uncle did to me and even though I am old enough to know whats right and wrong now, I still just stop and lay there. I hate myself for letting this happen. I feel guilty I let this happen. But yet I think to myself its ok he is still your husband. How do I get myself to not become paralized and how do I get him to leave me alone?
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Old June 2nd, 2005, 05:34 PM   #21
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If you are seriously pursuing divorce, you definitely need different living conditions. Is one or the other of you looking for a separate residence? Do you not have a couch in the mean time?
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Old June 2nd, 2005, 05:53 PM   #22
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I agree with Cod and I don't think it's your responsibility to get him to leave you alone. Friends, lovers, spouses or whatever, your wishes are not being respected.

If not a couch, an aerobed in the living room will work. You should keep the bedroom and put a lock on the door. It will make you feel better.

Like Cod said, one of you really needs to be looking for another place to live. Divorce is a very emotional time; it can do strange things to people.
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Old June 3rd, 2005, 03:55 PM   #23
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I absolutely agree with Cod, and Addie.

Let him have the couch. Put the lock on the door.

If you are persuing Divoice proceedings then that living arrangement needs a drastic change.

You didn't mention how many kids, or the ages.

You also didn't mention if there was abuse issues before this with him.

Do you have a lawyer that can advise you?

Do you have friends that support you emotionally?

You need to check out all avenues available to you. Just to find out your rights, what steps you need to take to get some leverage in your life.

Good luck. Remember NO ONE HAS the RIGHT TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEX!! NO ONE!!! See whatever help is available to you.
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Old June 3rd, 2005, 05:08 PM   #24
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In addition to what's already been suggested, I encourage you to contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. I am sure the operators there can offer you not only support, advice, and information, but also referrals to support agencies and organizations in your community and/or state that may be able to assist you even further. You should not have to go through this alone.

Non-consensual contact, whether from a stranger, a relative, a co-worker, or a spouse is just that: NON-CONSENSUAL and further defined under law as harassment, sexual assault, forcible confinemnet, aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault with a weapon, etc. These definitions really don't mean much to me, however: any violation of a person is serious.

I sincerely hope you seek not only legal advice in this matter, but also support for both yourself and your children.

Best wishes.
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Old June 7th, 2005, 03:30 PM   #25
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I'm sitting here at my computer trying hard to figure out how to deal with this. I don't know what to do. I think I was raped but I'm not sure if what happened to me counts. my own mother doesn't even know. please help me I am so lost...

-payton
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Old June 7th, 2005, 04:37 PM   #26
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paytonfly , if some one talked you into having sex after you said no, it is rape. If some one wouldn't stop when you said no it is rape. If some one took advantage of you at a young age it is rape. If you were unable to make a consious choice due to alchol or drugs in your system it was rape. If it hurt and the other person wouldn't stop it would be considred in my books rape even if you agreed at first to have sex.
The fact that you are questioning it tells me the encounter was not what you wanted it to be. If there is anyway you can talk to a counselor go talk to one. If you feel comfortable talking to a police officer file a report.
Most rape victims know their attacker. Date rape is more common then you think . Family/family friends are aslo common attackers.
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Old June 7th, 2005, 04:43 PM   #27
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I think you're right, I didn't wnat to have sex with him in the first place. it really hurt. It was like he wasn't even listening to me. He was so much bigger and there was nothing i could do. I don't understand how this could happen to me. I'm only 16. I did lay down with him... but that shouldn't matter. I feel like I can't say anything now. he goes to a different school but I met him because he played against my school in a sport. I wasn't even dating him, I just met him at a party and I sort of knew him. I'm sorry... I know I'm rambling. This just feels so weird. I can't stop getting sick, and I don't know what i'm going to do now
-payton
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Old June 7th, 2005, 04:58 PM   #28
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I'm really starting to think this is my fault. I went upstairs with the guy- its somewhat obvious. I know he said he just wanted to talk and ....... I cna't talk now. I'm sorry
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Old June 7th, 2005, 05:20 PM   #29
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Sounds like you and your mother can talk. Go back to her and ask her to get out a phone book and call someone that you can talk to about this. At 16, you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.
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Old June 7th, 2005, 05:23 PM   #30
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talk to my mother? no way. she doesn't even know about this.
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