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Old January 13th, 2001, 12:27 AM   #1
AuntieWOW
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They cared you and raised you. Now it's your turn to do the same for them. But you just finished raising your own children. Are you ready to take on the responsibility of caring for an ailing, aging parent?
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Old March 3rd, 2001, 01:14 PM   #2
DLC55
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I remember a week before my mom died, she called me at work and asked what I thought was the silliest question. She asked, if anything ever happened to her, would I clean her false teeth. She had both uppers and lowers, full sets. I laughed at her and said, sure mom, but why the question? Someone she worked with made her a bet that no one would do it. Little did I know that less than a week later, I would be standing at my bathroom sink brushing my moms teeth between fits of crying and laughing because of the absurdity of it. I would have given anything to have my mom home with me taking care of her instead of doing that one last act of love. ((((mommy))))
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Old March 3rd, 2001, 01:23 PM   #3
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{{{{{DLC}}}}}
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Love is never defeated, and I could add, the history of Ireland proves it. -- Pope John Paul II
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Old March 3rd, 2001, 04:41 PM   #4
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{{{{{{{{{{DLC}}}}}}}}}}
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Old March 3rd, 2001, 06:33 PM   #5
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Oh hon (((((((DLC))))))))

I had a friend who died just this New Year. She was 80, and in those last few weeks I got well-acquainted with her false teeth - it's a strangely intimate thing.
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Old May 4th, 2001, 01:16 PM   #6
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Talking going crazy

I think this would be a good place to vent... I do everything I can-but why do I feel like I could do more? I do all the cooking and everything else that needs to be done for mom and dad. Dad works hard everyday while mom just lays around in the bed-smoking constantly! She has some kind of phobia and has been sick and hasnt left the house for a good 22 years now. Now that my stepson has finally involved himself in school activities I dont have the time as I used to, always runing back and forth to practice, to games.. I'm down to cooking only 4 days a week, havent cleaned for mom in over a month. I dont know what to do anymore-Im doing the best I can but feels like its not enough. I also have 3 elderly ppl that calls on me, never know when the phone will ring to take them out-clean for them. Oh, did I mention I have a husband that needs his attention too? I have all this responsibilty on my hands, but I wouldnt want it any other way. I just want the guilt to leave! I feel guilty for going to games, out of town... etc. I sit and cry when I chat-cause Im not spending time with the parents. Why? does anyone have any answers for me?
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Old May 5th, 2001, 12:51 PM   #7
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(((Cab)))

sounds like burn out babe....

Try cooking extra and sticking the food in the frig , for your parents. sandwiches are great food, along with soup (yea, the store bought kind!)and fruit. Whatever their favorites are, if you stock them, it takes some burden off.
I do not know what the situation is, but since you have both "mom" and "dad" together, can your dad handle your mom? Do they have the funds to hire a housecleaner?
you are allowed to take a break, ya know ( although sometimes it doesn't seem like it)

There comes a time when you have so much on your plate....

it doesn't last forever. The guilt is yours.... you are doing a good job of handling a tough road. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself the credit this type of situation brings. It is tough!

(((Cab)))
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Old May 5th, 2001, 07:58 PM   #8
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Talking

((( Motown ))) thanks! To tell you the truth I dont know whether Im coming or going these days. The only relief in life that I have found is chatting. I know that dont sound good-but chatting is like a differnt world for me! It really does ease my mind most of the time. I think the guilt will always be with me no matter how hard I try I what I do. I dont think as my mom and dad to be a burden or nothing like that. I just wish and know it will never come true, I just wish mom couldve enjoyed life with me when I was younger. Now that I'm a bit older I understand-but I dont understand. She is so depressed all the time. She has no leg muscles what so ever due by laying around all the time. She has no energy-all ready been through menapause and is just 53. She needs medical/dental assistant and wont get it. I think I'm just afraid of what could happen when Im not there is part of my guilt. I cant give up and not help then I would feel the guilt LOL. I dont know..... The house isnt that bad to get a housekeeper. The days I dont cook, when I go to my stepson's game they do eat sandwiches. I hate that. Dad works hard everyday (self employed) and has to come home to a sandwich. Thanks for listening to me ((((( motown ))))) you are great!
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Old May 11th, 2001, 12:17 AM   #9
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((((( Cab )))))) My god woman what do you have to feel guilty about? Sounds to me like you are doing way more than alot of other people would do. Yes your dad does deserve a good meal when he comes home but there is nothing wrong with sandwiches once a week. My husband works hard and doesnt complain if I dont always have a big meal for him. Relax girl! Isnt there someway of getting your mom some help with her depression? There are good meds out there now adays that I'm sure can help her? If she wont or cant go to a doctor you can go and ask a doctor about her symptoms? You never know with some meds she might be a whole new woman. Is there anyway you can arrange for cleaning help maybe once every couple of weeks to do the big stuff? I know you love your mom and dad but you need to have some time to yourself. Going to games and stuff is wonderful for you to get away but a little more "just for you" would be good too. We only live life once in our life and you are going to burn yourself out so bad you won't be any use to anyone if you're not careful. No one was put on this earth to take care of everything. That is why we have the ability to ask for help. As for chatting it is a great escape. It is another world. you can hear about others lives and not have to fix anything you dont want to fix. You can laugh and cry and feel empathy, you can get with women that have gone through things and get opinions on things. At the end of it all you can turn the machine off and let it keep for another day. I understand that need. It's nothing to feel quilty about. Chatting has helped me over some hurdles and without it I would have had a harder time of things. Take it for what it gives you Cab.
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Old May 11th, 2001, 03:08 PM   #10
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((( Shana ))) Thanks a bunch! I read what you wrote over, and over.. it makes sense it really does. One of my problems is that I dont live life for me-I live it for them. I dont know how to go into details about that. I just need to talk more and maybe some of this guilt will leave. I'm not here for sympathy, just to have someone to talk to is all I want. Ok, my mind just went blank.. I'll get back to where I was later.. Thanks again. (smooch)
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Old May 11th, 2001, 03:23 PM   #11
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(((( Cab )))) I am by no means telling you to shirk the resposibities you feel you have to take care of but you do have to look after yourself too. You have to be kind to yourself in this life. I have learned to do that and it makes me a much better person. I like myself and so do others now. Being good to yourself is not selfish its survival. As my husband always tells me, " You cant fix it all " Some of it you have to let go of or go crazy. I will be here if you need an ear Cab. I am the fixer in our family, I was the one who did it all till I could not do it any longer. I have learned a hard lesson and understand how you feel. Talk to you soon.
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Old May 11th, 2001, 07:51 PM   #12
DLC55
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{{{{CAB}}}} shana said relax<g> she's learnin'-)

I was always the care taker in my family. Now it's really strange to see my sister take on that role as she ages.

We can't do it all, I believe someone already said that...but it's worth repeating... taking care of you is the MOST important thing. YOU are important, you are worth more than you ever imagined you could be, but you have to feel it CAB, you have to believe it also. When you can look in the mirror and say, I like me, I like what and who I am, you've accomplished a lot. When you can learn to say NO, and not have the guilt hit you square in the face, then you're taking care of yourself. When you can do something for yourself and not worry about how everyone else is gonna feel about it, you're taking care of you. You're also taking yourself and those you love, on a journey to independance. I can't think of one person I know who doesn't want to feel needed or wanted, but when it consumes us to the point of losing ourselves, losing sight of who we are, what we want out of life, then it's gone to far. It may not come overnight CAB, but one day, only if you want it to, it will.


{{{{CAB}}}} you KNOW my ICQ is open anytime you need it...
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Old May 13th, 2001, 12:03 PM   #13
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Perhaps there is a better place for this, but I thought y'all might enjoy it. It comes from a mailing list to which I subscribe...

<hr>

A Long Chain of Wonderful
(from the "Sunday Afternoon Rocking" series)

If ever there was another as wonderful as she was, I am not sure who it might have been. She had a sparkle in her eye, and a story always ready to be told upon her tongue. She told wonderful tales, of Indian ancestors and pioneer ancestors, of "haints" and miracles. How much was actually truth, and how much embroidered for the sake of entertaining a youngster, I am perpetually in search of and have never quite discovered. She knew just when to pause for effect, just when to lower her voice to a suspenseful whisper, just when the story was ended in such a way to leave room for a ripe imagination to keep dwelling upon it..for a lifetime! She could giggle like a young girl, and tease as surely as her grandchildren. She could cock her head to one side, holding a bit of crochet her hand, eye it appraisingly, go home and reproduce it, needles clicking as the same pattern emerged magically in her lap. She could stir through bits of fabric and "see" the quilt exactly as it would look before her family had a clue what she was thinking. She could narrow her eyes, look you over, and without a pattern, make a dress that fit exactly. She could mutter over a dying houseplant, tuck it under her arm, and when next you saw it, it would be green and flowering. She could coax a feathered friend to ay "pretty bird!" and a child to say "thank you" and "please". She could make chicken and dumplins before many could warm up what came in a can, and her "blue jelly" was a delight to the little girl who grasped a jar of it each time she returned home from a visit. She was my "Me-Maw", my grandmother.

If ever there has been another as wonderful as she is, I am not sure who it could have been.unless it was Me-Maw. She is my very best friend. We tackle remodeling together, and get way in over our heads before we think about what we got into. We rest quietly together, and dream together. She both exasperates and delights me with her level of energy, for I, eighteen years her junior, sometimes have to struggle to keep up with her. She is alternately a carpenter, a designer, an engineer, a plumber, a seamstress. She can, without pausing for breath, rebuild a garage door, fix a leaky faucet, hammer together a bookshelf, redecorate a room, design and make herself draperies of any style she has glimpsed in a magazine or on television.and more than a few sets that came from her own imagination. Once I invited her to "tea parties" where she solemnly drank air from a tiny cup. Now we share coffee breaks. We are dangerous in a bookstore together, and occasionally, for the sake of both our financial pictures, have to "swear off" and remind each other "we mustn't". We can dream up more projects together than any army of women could accomplish in a lifetime. We can overhear something and our eyes meet, then delighted smiles cross our faces, for we invariably know what the other is thinking. My children call her their "jazzy grandma", and think she can do no wrong, and perhaps she can't.not in our eyes, anyway. She is "Mama", my mother.

I suspect, if I had known my great grandmother a bit more in my childhood, I would be able to say."if ever there had been another as wonderful as she was, I am not sure who it could have been.unless it was my Me-Maw or my Mama". I suspect so, because I know how my Mama and my Me-Maw spoke of her, and hearing the stories of her "water fight" with the children at the creek, I suspect she had the same mischievous twinkle in her eye as my Me-Maw, the same girlish giggle. Hearing of her talents, I suspect she may well have been how it was that my Me-Maw had such an adept hand and eye with a needle, such a wonderful sense of color, and my Mama has the same. In fact, I suspect these traits I call so "wonderful" must have been passed through the generations, and each young lady has thought the same of her Mama through the ages.

I suspect each of you this day, are remembering Mama, or a grandmother. Perhaps you are thinking of a favorite aunt or someone who in some way "mothered" you and made you feel secure and nurtured. And that is as it should be.as the roots are tended so flowers the garden. And so somewhere in your life, I hope for each of you, there was a lady about whom you can say."If ever there has been another as wonderful as she was or is.I am not sure who it could have been." Tell her today, if she is yet with you.and if not, tell another that they may remember what you remember.

Just a thought,
jan

Copyright ?2001JanPhilpot
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(Note: Afternoon Rocking messages are meant to be passed on, meant to be shared...simply share though e-mail as written without alterations...and in entirety. If planned for a publication, permission must be granted by the author. Please forward sufficient information concerning the nature and intent of the publication.
Thanks, jan)
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Old May 13th, 2001, 03:01 PM   #14
DLC55
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(((( MommaD))))

Some years I have a hard time rememebering my mom's smile. I'll pull out the pictures, but it's not the same. What I miss most is her laughter and the way she always made you feel special. Even though we grew up and away, there was always an easter basket or something at home from mom on a special occasion.

I miss playing canasta with her and hearing the stories of her growing up and the mischief she got into with her brothers. She taught me how to crochet and knit, two things I never kept up with and wish I did. I miss the twinkle in her eyes when she was keeping a secret. The way she would duck her head down when trying to hide a smirk. I miss cooking with her and knowing that if we made a mistake, she knew how to fix it<g>

I remember her hands and the scent of her perfum and how, as a child, I marveled at how pretty she was when she dressed up to go out with dad. I still laugh at her pranks she'd pull on all of us.

If we had to chose our moms, I would have chosen her. Even knowing I would have her for a short time, the memories she left us are priceless.

<font color="pink"> Happy Mothers Day {{{{momma}}}}</font>
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Old May 17th, 2001, 02:58 PM   #15
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Oh, wow! Im sitting here with tears just rolling down my face! oh deb, I cant imagine the feeling you have without your mom. Thanks DLC and Shana.. beleive it or not, I'm trying but its so hard. I didnt have to do/go anywhere today, so I cleaned my little humble shack-and I took a deep breath, took the phone off the hook (wg) and cranked up the Tv LOL and just cleaned away, thinking of nothing!! Havent been out of the house today and it feels so good LOL but I will have to fix dinner for everyone later, but that dont bother me. I really want to thank you all for being here for me, I know this is nothing compared to what it will be in the near future.. and Im gonna need you all more than ever. I know you all will be there, I know it! Makes me feel so much better knowing I have someone!
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