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Old July 16th, 2001, 10:46 AM   #1
ScoobyWOW
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Come on y'all! I know I am not the only redneck joke fan out here. Show your true colors and share a few with us!
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Old July 16th, 2001, 10:47 AM   #2
ScoobyWOW
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I will start us off!

If someone yells "HOE DOWN" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
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Old July 16th, 2001, 08:27 PM   #3
ScoobyWOW
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Now I know I am not the ONLY redneck out here!
If you mow your yard and find 4 cars....
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Old July 18th, 2001, 01:29 PM   #4
TammyWOW
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If you've ever taken a beer to a job interview..
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Old July 18th, 2001, 07:33 PM   #5
DLC55
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You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.

You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.

The primary color of your car is Bond-O.

You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.

Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.

You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.

You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.

Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.

No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.

There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.

The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
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Old July 18th, 2001, 08:07 PM   #6
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{{{{{{ Tammy Skye }}}}}} My fellow rednecks!



You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home

You actually like Spam

Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house

Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner


You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.

Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs

You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature

You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
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Old July 18th, 2001, 10:02 PM   #7
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Ooooooooooooooh Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

{{{Buford}}}
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Old October 26th, 2001, 12:26 PM   #8
ScoobyDoo
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Ten ways to tell you have a Redneck Ghost

1. A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. The mysterious footsteps seem to be stompin' out "Achy Breaky Heart".

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you?re not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn?t on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.


9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there?s no tornado in sight
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Old May 11th, 2002, 09:38 AM   #9
Annie
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MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter
is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
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Old May 11th, 2002, 11:23 AM   #10
Cinderellen
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<html> <font size=4> <font color=red> Redneck Love Poem </font> </font> </html>

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.


Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.


You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.


Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.


You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.


On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.


Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.


Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.


Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.


Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt .


When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.


Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.


Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.


Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.


Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.


Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.


But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.


I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor Romeo
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Old May 11th, 2002, 01:08 PM   #11
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Wink More truth than joke

A message from the rural Midwest:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the state:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive yours or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too?and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...ASAP!
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Old May 11th, 2002, 04:20 PM   #12
Terri
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...when there's no branch on the family tree...
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Old May 12th, 2002, 07:19 PM   #13
MommaD
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HERE NOW! That'd be MY family tree you're sawing branches off'n!
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Old May 12th, 2002, 09:22 PM   #14
TammyWOW
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Quote:
Originally posted by ScoobyWOW
Now I know I am not the ONLY redneck out here!
If you mow your yard and find 4 cars....
Y'know.. the folks in the trailer at the end of my road cut their grass a couple weeks ago. I knew there were 4 cars there.. but the other 2 were a complete suprise!
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Old May 13th, 2002, 12:43 AM   #15
Cinderellen
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You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, 'Gentlemen, start your engines'
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