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Old January 14th, 2001, 06:17 PM   #1
QuietWOW
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Most of us have had many occasions in our lives when we have needed a woman's point of view. Although the subject matter varies significantly, oftentimes the advice pertains to sex, i.e. likes, dislikes, turn-ons & offs, and what women seek from men, or from each other. So, maybe we can use this as a place to have those discussions?

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Old July 15th, 2001, 11:44 PM   #2
DrHilieWho
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Good Sex = Good Marriage ??

Do you think sexual compatibility has a big effect on the quality of a relationship?

Recently I read an essay written by a woman who has struggled through her entire marriage because of the quality of sex. She was fairly inexperienced when she was married, while her husband had numerous partners. During their marriage he has cheated several times and blamed "boring sex" as the main reason, and she has come to accept it.

MrHilie is the only person I've ever chosen to have sex with. I'm not bragging, just making the point that I knew basically nothing about sex before we got together. We had some really embarrassing moments at first but over the last few years we've also had fun learning about each other together. To me a bad sex life is more about poor communication than anything else. I've also noticed that sex tends to be at it's worst when there are other problems in our relationship.

What do you all think?
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Old July 19th, 2001, 12:30 AM   #3
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I think working TOWARDS increased sexual compatibility has a big effect... but I think that "I cheated because I was bored" is absolute bull crap! If marriage is about for better or for worse, that should apply to sex too! If there is something wrong with the sex, then they need to talk about it and maybe find some way to spice it up!

Can I ask a question too? Has anyone ever recovered memories of being sexually abused as a child? Recently some issues have come up for me, and I sorta have a... feeling. If this is something no one wants to discuss that's ok.

L.
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Old July 19th, 2001, 12:23 PM   #4
kathe nichols
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Muskrat, I always remembered the "fact" that I was molested. What I shut off for a long time was the feelings that went with it... When I went into therapy for what I thought was something else, we ended up working on the abuse issues. then I started having actual "memories" of the situations - the kind of memories where you're actually IN them, not just telling yourself stories about what happened. Some of them were very vivid, and almost anything could set them off.

If I were you, I would just deal with the feelings that are coming up, without worrying too much about their source for now. Your mind will let you remember if/when you get ready.
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Old July 19th, 2001, 04:02 PM   #5
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Hi ((((Kathe))))!

Muskrat, like Kathe, I went into therapy to deal with one problem and found myself dealing with my uncle's sexual molestation of me when I was a child. And like Kathe, I always knew exactly what had happened, but I had never correctly worked out why. About 18 months into therapy, I was hypnotized twice so that I could re-enter those memories and learn that I was a <u>child</u>. This was the most healing event of my life. The right therapist (mine was a specialist in child sexual abuse) can be of help to you. Good luck.
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Old July 19th, 2001, 04:27 PM   #6
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(((((((((MUCKY MLYS))))))) I would suggest you get the book <i>The Courage to Heal</i> by Laura Bass. Its a very very good resource for this issue.
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Old July 19th, 2001, 04:40 PM   #7
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Hi (((((roo)))))! Yes, Bass. During my therapy, I used her book and workbook.
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Old July 19th, 2001, 05:23 PM   #8
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I've used that book and workbook too..

Books and self-help are great tools, but if you're not careful, you can easily find yourself in a place you can't get out of on your own. It's SO important to talk to someone <I>before</I> you start down that path, so that if you find yourself in too deep, you have somewhere to turn for help.

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Old July 19th, 2001, 09:26 PM   #9
jess
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reply to:"I cheated because I was bored" is absolute bull crap!

Hey Muskrat (nice to meet you), when you said "I cheated because I was bored" is absolute bull crap!?, well you ?kinda? contradicted yourself by saying you can always spice it up... I think in general people think, or believe, it's easier to just look where the grass is greener than to fix what is wrong... (?!)
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Old July 19th, 2001, 09:29 PM   #10
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re the above re

ok... and sometimes you can't fix what's wrong, you just have to learn to accept, or deal with it...
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Old July 19th, 2001, 11:17 PM   #11
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Angry

I meant spice it up with your existing partner... if you commit to a monagamous relationship (it's entirely another story if you both actually agree to an open relationship), then I don't think being bored is a good excuse for cheating. I said they should spice it up TOGETHER... nad if they can't, well then they need to decide if they WANT to be together. But going behind the other's back to sleep with other people is just wrong.

Thanks for all the child-abuse related replies. Tammy, I have spoken to someone (I work at the campus sexual assault centre so I feel quite safe talking to someone there, and I had a long conversation with the director.) roo, the director lent me the book you're talking about too. I've read quite a bit already, but a lot of it assumes you KNOW what happened to you (or at least IF anything happened), so except for the remembering chapter it doesn't apply so well directly... I guess I am just really afraid I'm just being totally paranoid, afterall, I am exposed to the issue quite a bit, both through the centre and through my summer job going through files at the mental health clinic... I dunno, maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into denial, but then I could also be talking myself into believing in an experience that didn't happen. EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK! I guess I just feel like I'm grasping at intangibles, since all I have is a really screwy dream from my childhood. (It is my earliest memory of ANYTHING.)
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Old July 20th, 2001, 10:49 AM   #12
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Mucky, I didn't remember any of it until I was 27. I started 2 years of remembering that were pure hell. I really didn't want to talk about this out here in public because it's a very private thing. Once I accepted that I wasn't insane and that a part of my brain was not making this up, it all made sense. My attitude towards sex. My fear of intimacy. My reaction to being held... anything that feels like I can't escape will evoke an emotionally violent response in me.

Other people in my family, a few, actually had known what was going on, but couldn't stop it. In my case it went from age 8 to 13, then suddenly stopped when I threatened to go to the police. I probably remember only about 1/2 of what happened. Anyway when I went to them, explained about the remembering, they were shocked I hadn't remembered any of it.

What I tell myself now and then is/was this: I honor the strength in me, at the point when the memories begin to emerge. See, you couldn't remember before because you weren't ready or strong enough to handle it. We will remember only when that damaged part of us feels safe enough, that we are strong enough, courageous enough, to cope with the aftermath. We have to honor and respect that strength, and marvel at how skillful we were as children to survive such obscenities, as whole and loving human beings.

((((((MUCKY)))))) MLYS
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Old September 20th, 2001, 11:15 AM   #13
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well, I hate nylons !

I really do not like nylons...there , I said it.
I tried to like the darn things...but they aren't comfortable, I can't play in the dirt with them on...
Frankly, they get in my way ...and I don't like the way they feel.
I have an other who constantly raggs on me to wear them.I don't know why...you put them on, and all other wants is to take them right off..
I have said...never again...enjoy your memories..
and that doesn't work...
Constantly , once a day anyway lately....the nylon issue comes up.
Frankly, if the only way I look good is with nylons..I will look bad..I like pants anyway.Tick me off, and I'll be in sweats lol


And...if sex is boring...and he cheated....then you don't need him....what a bunch of heartache...
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Old October 11th, 2001, 07:19 PM   #14
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(((((((((ALL)))))) I have survived molestion but it hasn't always been easy I have gotten some help a few times over the years but haven't really found any one I can trust enough to deal with my issues. I have made break throughs over the years and have felt better once I accepted the flash backs for what they were. Luckily when I have had my flash backs my partner I was with at the time was very supportive.
Now for my opinion on sex and the being faithful. I think "boring sex" is not a reason to "step out". I think that the if some one cheats on their partner there is more going on then "boring sex". To be honest I think making love does NOT begin in the bedroom. I think in order for one to have a successful relationship in the bedroom you have to have a strong base OUTSIDE the bedroom. If you can't trust your mate outside of the bedroom you certainly won't be able to trust him/her inside the bedroom. In my opinion if a partner cheats they are cheating because of a communication break down , not because "sex is boring". I found a saying some where and want to share it "If you want montanous sex have several partners, if you want adventure commit to a mongamous relationship" excuse the spelling but you get the general idea.
Muuaaahhh to all.
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Old October 12th, 2001, 09:48 PM   #15
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Smile Re: Great Sex with Breast Implants

[quote][i]sheesh maxine did u win the comp already. after reading your quote thought i would go and enter too, i entered, then said breast enlargement i already big so u can have mine if i win it girl. i want mine reduced. haha
this is my first message in here, so i hope u get it.
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