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Old January 12th, 2001, 07:44 PM   #1
QuietWOW
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Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction. Share it here!
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Old November 13th, 2001, 06:43 PM   #2
bettysgirl52
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Wink

This is not really a joke - but thought it was interesting......

Why English Teachers Are Important:
The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me
for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will
you let me be yours?

Maria

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,

Maria
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Old January 19th, 2002, 08:00 PM   #3
Cinderellen
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ROFL bettysgirl52 that's too cute !!!
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Old April 21st, 2002, 11:31 AM   #4
Sunshine
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Quote:
Originally posted by bettysgirl52
This is not really a joke - but thought it was interesting......

Why English Teachers Are Important:
The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me
for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will
you let me be yours?

Maria

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?
Yours,

Maria
It is amazing to see what changes can be made to get a completely different meaning, I have a girlfriend who is from Venezuela and she always tells me how complicated english is, due to this little things. Sunshine.
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Old May 11th, 2002, 06:03 PM   #5
Angel_Wolf
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Smile Here is a good one for Mother's Day

> Mom's Dictionary
>
> AIRPLANE:
> What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained
> beets.
>
> ALIEN:
> What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted
> a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
>
> APPLE:
> Nutritious lunch-time dessert which children will trade for
> cupcakes.
>
> BABY:
> 1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
> 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
>
> BATHROOM:
> a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except
> Mom) to be self-cleaning.
>
> "BECAUSE":
> Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be
> explained logically.
>
> BED AND BREAKFAST:
> Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
>
> CARPET:
> Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud
> off shoes.
>
> CAR POOL:
> Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds
> up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who
> have had the most sugar.
>
> CHINA:
> Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love
> leftover vegetables.
>
> COOK:
> 1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
> 2) Mom's other name.
>
> COUCH POTATO:
> What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat
> dinner.
>
> DATE:
> Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying
> about the kids in a different setting.
>
> DUST:
> Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home
> into a battle zone.
>
> EAR:
> A place where kids store dirt.
>
> EAT:
> What kids do between meals, but not at them.
>
> ENERGY:
> Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
> asked to do something.
>
> "EXCUSE ME":
> One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
> times by children.
>
> EYE:
> The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom,
> can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a
> carelessly handled butter knife.
>
> FABLE:
> A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
>
> FOOD:
> The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
> "What's for dinner tonight?"
>
> GARBAGE:
> A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
> assigns to a different family member each week, then winds
> up doing herself.
>
> GENIUSES:
> Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
>
> GUM:
> Adhesive for the hair.
>
> HAMPER:
> A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but
> not containing, dirty clothing.
>
> HANDI-WIPES:
> Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
>
> HANDS:
> Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic
> soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to
> consumption of the evening meal.
>
> HINDSIGHT:
> What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
>
> ICE:
> Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
> tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of
> putting them back in the freezer empty.
>
> INSIDE:
> That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once
> Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready
> to go outside.
>
> "I SAID SO":
> Reason enough, according to Mom.
>
> JACKPOT:
> When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
>
> JEANS:
> Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
> occasion, including church and funerals.
>
> JOY RIDE:
> Going somewhere without the kids.
>
> JUNK:
> Dad's stuff.
>
> KETCHUP:
> The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that
> Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the
> seasoning just right.
>
> KISS:
> Mom medicine.
>
> LAKE:
> Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
> friends do so.
>
> LEMONADE STAND:
> Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix,
> sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
> pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six
> minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
>
> MAYBE:
> No.
>
> MILK:
> A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
> turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
>
> "MOMMMMMMM!":
> The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
>
> NAILS:
> A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
> have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice,
> opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts
> to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
>
> OCEAN:
> What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
> assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several
> dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
>
> OPEN:
> The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of
> company.
>
> PENITENTIARY:
> Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
> rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
>
> PETS:
> Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
> someone else to clean up after.
>
> PIANO:
> A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
> of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids
> will refuse to play in front of company.
>
> PURSE:
> A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
> never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers,
> a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
> restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a
> grocery list and several outdated coupons.
>
> QUIET:
> A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of
> the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
> for college.
>
> RAINCOAT:
> Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
> rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker
> stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
> "the geeky thing."
>
> REFRIGERATOR:
> Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
>
> ROOM MOTHER:
> A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed
> on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
>
> SCHOOL PLAY:
> Ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
> offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous
> historic events.
>
> SCREAMING:
> Home P.A. system.
>
> SNOWSUITS:
> Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped
> and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting
> children from the cold and reminding them that they have
> to go to the bathroom.
>
> SOAP:
> A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance
> one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching
> for the towel.
>
> SPOILED ROTTEN:
> What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes
> with Grandma.
>
> SWEATER:
> Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward
> away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
>
> TERRIBLE TWO'S:
> Having both kids at home all summer.
>
> "THAT WAY":
> How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's
> good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
>
> TOWELS:
> See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
>
> TROUBLE:
> Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure
> to be in.
>
> UMPTEENTH:
> Highly conservative estimate of the number of
> times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something
> before it actually gets done.
>
> VACATION:
> Where you take the family to get away from it all,
> only to find it there, too.
>
> VITAMINS:
> Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
> swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot
> to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
>
> WALLS:
> Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes
> with every room.
>
> WASHING MACHINE:
> Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
> permanent ink markers, loose change, homework,
> tissues and wads of gum.
>
> XOXOXOXO:
> Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
> embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more
> mortifying.
>
> XYLOPHONE:
> Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to
> children who show their appreciation by playing the
> stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long!
> See also "DRUMS"
>
> YARD SALE:
> Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to
> sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides
> at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't
> bear to part with.
>
> ZILLION:
> Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
> already this week.
>
> ZUCCHINI:
> Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
> before kids refuse to eat it.
>
>
> You Know You're A Mother When...
>
> 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
> they're equal.
>
> 2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
>
> 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
>
> 4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
>
> 5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
>
> 6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
>
> 7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes
> and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
>
> 8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
> the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
>
> 9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child
> chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
>
> 10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your
> child eats.
>
> 11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
>
> 12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
>
> 13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute
> shapes.
>
> 14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
>
> 15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you
> say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
>
> 16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
>
> 17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get
> that disease.
>
> 18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your
> husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
>
> 19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
>
> 20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
> but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
>
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Old May 11th, 2002, 06:15 PM   #6
susieB28
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awesome wolf_angel! I read the whole thing...and it was so funny....lol......still chuckling <G>
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Old May 22nd, 2002, 03:32 AM   #7
Angel_Wolf
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Seven Wonders of the World.......?

A group of students were asked to list what
they thought were the present Seven Wonders
of the World. Though there was some
disagreement, the following got the most votes:



1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall





While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one
quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble
with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little.
I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were
so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you
have, and maybe we can help."



The girl hesitated,
then read, "I think the Seven
Wonders of the World are:

1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love


The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop.
Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary"
are truly wondrous. A gentle reminder that the
most precious things in life cannot be bought
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Old January 15th, 2003, 03:44 PM   #8
Angel_Wolf
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REMEMBER THAT BEAUTIFUL SONG FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"? We've
discovered a new lyric for it !
IT'S GUARANTEED TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY!
COME ON NOW, EVERYONE !
SING ALONG WITH US. . .
YOU KNOW THIS SONG !

My Favorite Things
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin' Walkers and handrails and
new dental fittin's Bundles of magazines all tied up with string, These
are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Pollident, Fixodent, false
teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These
are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, when the bones creek, when the knees go bad, Then I
remember my favorite things
and I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads and bunions, No spicy hot food, no
food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pad and hot meals they
bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused
brains, and no fear of sinnin' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is
thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames When we
remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, when the hips break,
when the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, and
then I don't feel so bad. THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD

AND THEN I DON'T FEEL
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BAAAAAD !!
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Old January 15th, 2003, 09:08 PM   #9
Cinderellen
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Cute one Angel_Wolf.
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Old March 8th, 2005, 12:58 PM   #10
MintyFemme2
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Don't Mess with Grandma

This is a true story... An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then
proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
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Old March 24th, 2005, 09:04 PM   #11
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Talking Dogs and Cats

>>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>>When I say to move, it means to go someplace else --- not to switch
>>>positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
>>>
>>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>>>other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
>>>print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
>>>becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
>>>in the slightest.
>>>
>>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
>>>me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I

>>>fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king

>>>sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
>>>sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
>>>
>>>Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
>>>necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
>>>fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
>>>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
>>>nothing but sarcasm.
>>>
>>>
>>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
>>>some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
>>>not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw
>>>under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
>>>same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
---
>>>canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
>>>
>>>The proper order is kiss me --- then go smell the other dog or cat's
>>>butt. I cannot stress this enough!
>>>
>>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our
>>>front door:
>>>
>>>Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
>>>1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your
>>>clothes, stay off the furniture.
>>>(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
>>>3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
>>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who
>>>is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs
>>>and cats are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for money
all
>>>the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
>>>your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink,
>>>don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
>>>clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college and if they
get
>>>pregnant, you can sell the children.
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Old February 14th, 2009, 11:17 AM   #12
BabyBoyNames
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Yaaahh, you're right!!!
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Old February 17th, 2009, 08:45 PM   #13
rjsfeminist
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Okay, true story. My brother, when he was maybe 4 or 5, lost a baby tooth. Mom told him they'd put it under his pillow and the tooth fairy'd bring him a quarter. (This was years and years ago.) Later that night, Mom was going down the hal and found kid brother sitting just inside his bedroom door with a baseball bat. When she asked him what he was doing, he told her that he didn't want the tooth fairy coming into his room!

Mom had to take the tooth and put it on the kitchen table with a note before he'd go to bed! Go figure...
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Old December 9th, 2009, 01:53 PM   #14
teganz
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Love it!
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Old January 22nd, 2010, 10:49 PM   #15
WendyO.
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Ha me to.
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