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Old January 12th, 2001, 09:39 PM   #1
QuietWOW
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Whether a lifelong challenge or an occasional rough patch, depression affects every aspect of our lives.
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Old February 28th, 2001, 12:08 PM   #2
antiana
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Being depressed on and off throughout most of my life probably means I will be visiting this folder alot...
Although I am not depressed at the moment!
And that is a good thing.
I also have an anxiety disorder, lol. And at the moment an agoraphobic. So I will be visiting the anxiety folder also.
I just wanted to post, so no one felt alone. That is a horrible feeling.
/me leaves assorted chocolates for the rest.
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Old March 9th, 2001, 03:12 AM   #3
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Y am I here?

I recently went through a break-up with the man I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. I gave up everything for this relationship and feel like I got the short end of the stick. I have been through much in my life, and always came out on top. But, now I feel like I am in a rut I can't get out of. I am ashamed of how I feel. I hate what I have become. I started coming to WOW b/c I have such an emptiness that I have lost my sense of purpose, forgot what my goals are, and have nobody to share with. I was hoping to find ppl here to help me, but am too ashamed to say anything...I'm not a whiner, just need a shoulder or two like I never had before. In the past I have always relied on my friends to be there for me to help me thru the rough times. Now, I am in a new town with few friends, and am not the greatest company, so making new friends has been near impossible--if you knew me, you would find this shocking. All of a sudden, acceptance from others has become important to me--before, you either liked me or you didn't, and I didn't care which as long as you didn't make pretenses. My doc just downgraded me from mild depression to severe depression, and that alone makes me even more depressed...I have always been a strong-minded, strong-willed individual...guess I am weaker than I, and everyone else, thot. So, I guess I am making this post so that those of you who care, or are willing to listen, or whatever, can let me know. My privacy has always been held in high regards in the past, but it seems that by doing this, I have isolated myself from others. So, now when I need ppl the most, I don't know what to do.
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Old March 10th, 2001, 07:05 AM   #4
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OMG I just re-read my post and I sound exactly like I didn't want to sound--a whiner. Sorry Yesterday marked one year since I moved here so I was feeling a bit down. Thanx to all for making me feel so welcome in WOW-womensspace...ya'll have no idea how much you brighten my day (((((((((((Roomies)))))))))))
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Old March 10th, 2001, 10:12 AM   #5
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Thumbs up

hi ya {{{ stophie }}}

lol, I have looked back on some of my post and thought, who was that woman??<P>
Sometimes just writing it out helps... I don't know why. And other times an anniversary date of some type can be very freeing if taken in the right way.
At my age, older than dirt, anniversarys pop up almost every week.lol<P>Don't be embarrassed by what you write..... just write.

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Old March 10th, 2001, 07:09 PM   #6
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(((((((antiana)))))))) You're a sweetie

(((((((Stophie))))))) What is this whiner nonsense? You're in a strange place, without enough people you know, and without the person you wanted to be with. Heavens - anyone would find that terribly hard. And then the good ole doc's get out those labels, and that isn't always helpful, either.

Just hang in there and I hope that something good comes along - it must be your turn!
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Old March 11th, 2001, 02:21 PM   #7
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I've been in therapy for 5 or 6 years now. Been on anti-depressants for more than that. People who know me find it ridiculous. Some have been insultingly. They don't see how someone who comes across as strong and supportive could possibly be suffering from depression. I don't either. I do know this. I broke down at my doctor's office and told her of my attempted suicide. I lost weeks of my life to vanished memory. I slept and ate and hid for years. I don't recall ever consciously making a choice to hide away; I never meant to ignore life. I just simply do not remember literally years of my life. I do remember waking in my car, the engine running, after a mental image of my son walking home from school brought me to my senses. Depression can be a killer.

We are all actors on the stage of life. We present to everyone the image we want them to see. When we're suffering from the mental illness of depression, we become adept at acting like we give a s***, when we really could care less.

I'm in group therapy now, and I continue to take my anti-depressants. I've acknowledged that I'm a better person when I take them; I need them to keep me balanced; I never want to crawl into or out of that dark hole again.

I still act like I care about things when I don't, but today it's a conscious act. Today, I know what I'm doing and I can take responsibility for my own actions. I have depression, but I no longer suffer from it.

<font size=1>***edited by sysop to maintain G-rating of boards***
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Old March 11th, 2001, 08:02 PM   #8
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(((((((((((tupi))))))))))

(((((((((((antiana)))))))))

(((((((((((Quietwoman)))))))))))

I'm still in the denial stage about everything that has brought me to this point. I walk around in a daze...not literally, but mentally. My thots stay muddled, and it is affecting my work. Luckily, I, too, am able to hide it, cover what I don't do, by talking tough...doing other things. I hide my tears, tho I cry at least once every day. And it is true, that writing down what I am feeling does help..but sometimes I don't know where to begin. I look back for happy times in my life...TRULY happy times, not when I was faking it. And, either they never existed, or they have been so long ago,I don't remember them.
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Old March 13th, 2001, 11:15 AM   #9
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Oh, god, Stophie, give it up and go to a therapist. You just can't imagine how good it feels to share with someone who can help you get the thoughts organized again. Sometimes you have to look for a while to find the right therapist; like any other doctor, the first might not be the best choice, but honest, it saved my life. I played the anti-depressant game for a long time. I'd stay on them for a while, then say I would handle this thing on my own, damnit! I'm an adult. This is my life I will be the one in control! Then I'd go off the pills, slip back into depression after a couple of months, then have to start again. I've resolved to continue on them. I'm a better person now, and I'm happier. I shudder to think what menopause would have been without antidepressants. The combination of depression and menopausal mood swings is very scary. I can't believe I wasted so many years being stubborn. Don't be the fool I was, Stophie. See a therapist who specializes in women.
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Old March 15th, 2001, 08:14 AM   #10
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Ty, tupi
I currently am seeing a therapist...have been for 5 months. Course as I am typing this I am reminded that I never went for my last appt. and haven't called her back to reschedule. She is great, and hasn't steered me wrong yet. Thing is I have a degree in psychology so she isn't telling me anything I don't already know. My problem right now stems from lack of motivation. I know what I need to do and just can't seem to bring myself to do it. In addition to all the other crap going on in my life...I just can't seem to let go of the X. Until I am able to do that completely, I will never move forward. Pamelor didn't help...it actually made me worse. I am currently taking Serax, but it is for anxiety...supposed to help me sleep. It doesn't seem to be working either. It isn't helping me sleep, but it sure is making it hard for me to get up. And it makes me groggy. I'm not about to become an experiment either; I don't want to keep getting NEW prescriptions til I find something that works. I was against taking drugs in the first place, but broke down when I felt I was at the end of my rope. (Did I mention that I am stubborn too )
My emotions are still up and down like a yo-yo, but luckily, when I am up I stay up longer and when I am down, I'm not near as down as I was this time last month. I know I still have a long road ahead of me. I'm still alone in this town...HIS town; I am so ready to settle down and start a family that just typing that brought tears to my eyes. UGH I could go on and on but I won't. Thanx for letting me vent some more. And thank you thank you thank you for your concern. It helps
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Old March 15th, 2001, 12:16 PM   #11
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Stophie, that sounds exactly like what I did - only I was in and out of therapy, then finally stuck with it for nearly 2 years with little result.. because of the lack of motivation, lack of ability (as I saw it) to control the behaviors I *knew* I shouldn't be doing. THAT WAS THE DEPRESSION!!! I made SO much progress after I agreed to go on antidepressants... it was like I had built up all the knowledge over those 2 years and the meds freed me to use it.

It can take a while to find the right anti-depressant. Don't give up, Don't let the doctors give up. It's worth it!
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Old March 15th, 2001, 02:10 PM   #12
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Okay, I almost hate to admit to this, as I'm opening myself up wide for insults, but here goes. Therapy helped me lots ... when I let it. Motivation though was a different story. Depression feeds lack of motivation. One thing I've done recently is kind of an inner search thing. I've looked into my astrology chart and through it I've seen aspects of my personality that also feed the lack of motivation. I've been taking tiny steps to change my behavior. I do mean tiny ones. I have a very difficult time letting go of relationships. When a relationship ends for almost any reson, it leaves me wondering what I did wrong. I tend to take responsibility that isn't mine. It all goes back to an inborn part of me that is the person in control. It figures that if you're the one in control and something fails then you must have done something wrong. In reality, that isn't true. While I want to take care of others, by assuming responsibility for a decision they made, I'm robbing them of their own independence. That isn't fair to either of us. I'm sharing this because it's one aspect of my own personality that helped lead to my depressive state. I'm trying to remind myself that if I really do care about someone then protecting them so much they never stand on their own isn't love at all, it's ownership. I don't want to own anyone. So, for what it's worth, I'm working on this one aspect that I found through astrology. It may be bunk, but it works for me.
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Old March 21st, 2001, 08:14 AM   #13
antiana
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We should call this folder the reflection pool. lol
But good for us... when you have been thru hell or seem to be there it's good to pull down a mirror and take a good look. yikes.

Looking at myself today I don't mind so much my emotional hang ups but my physical self is in great dis-repair. Just trying to get back my physical strength is tiring me mentally.

I have accepted I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I cry everyday, so what! Just so I know I am doing a little better than I was a couple of years ago is very heartening.

I almost killed myself by drinking enormous amounts of alcohol everday after my Mom passed away. Today I am 21 months sober. My mom's birthday is on the 27th of this month and I am going to bake a cake and celebrate... because it will make "me" feel good.
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Old March 21st, 2001, 09:08 AM   #14
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{{{{antiana}}}}

What a nice tribute to your mom.
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Old March 22nd, 2001, 07:20 PM   #15
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Oh I agree, LiamFan! What a wonderful birthday gift.
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