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Old March 23rd, 2001, 08:45 AM   #16
DLC55
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{{{{antiana}}}} it will make you feel good! One year, after mom died, all four of us girls ended up at the cemetary at the same time without letting each other know we were going. It was mom's birthday and I we all wanted to spend some alone time with her, strange huh? Well, it ended up being a picnic, crying, laughing and getting to know each other again time for all of us. We all handled her death differently, from severe depression to total refusal to accept it.

Being the oldest, I always felt I had to hold it together for everyone and never grieved until years later. Along with the depression came the panic disorder. I won't go into detail since I think I have already somewhere. I rarely get depressed anymore, but panic, lol, oh yeah... almost on a monthly basis in some form or another, whether it's hitting the key to go into chat, going somewhere I have never been or speaking to a group of trainees for work. It's been interesting to see how far I've come in the past several years.

One interesting note, three of the four of us were diagnosed with different levels of anxiety by three different doctors at around the same time. The last sister was just diagnosed with it, we weren't surprised at all! Looking back at our mothers behaviors while we were growing up, we suspect she would have been also had the disorder been as well diagnosed as it is now. Hereditary? So they say...

{{{{everyone}}}}
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Old April 16th, 2001, 09:57 AM   #17
Stophie
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Well the good news is I haven't NEEDED to post here in quite some time. I am doing much better now that I have avoided keeping the X in my life. But today I find myself a little down and for the life of me couldn't figure out why til I came online. I went to my ICQ to send a message to my friend in Canada. The X's old ICQ nic is still there mainly cuz I had forgotten all about it...he doesn't even use ICQ anymore on his puter, it is downloaded at his parent's house. Anyways, it had a balloon next to his nic....Today is his birthday. Why that has me down only someone who has gone thru these feelings and emotions can understand. What makes all this even worse is that this is also my ex-fiancee's birthday as well. I was engaged to be married to a man I dated all thru college and I ended it 3 months before the wedding back in 92, not because there was anything wrong in the relationship, but because I felt we were too young and not ready. Both of us were still in college. In the years since, Paul (the ex-fiancee) and I remained close friends until Spring 97 when he called to tell me he was getting married---of course to the one girl he dated after me that I did not like or get along with. This phone call was the day I had terminated my pregnancy with Psycho's child (see post in Stalking). I am just now coming to realize that all my relationships after Paul were "beneath me". As a result, I am in the state of emotional disheaval you see today. I have caught myself on more than one occasion since my recent break-up with Lyle wondering what would my life be like today if I had married Paul. BLEH!! I gotta quit beating myself up over the things I cannot change.
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Old April 19th, 2001, 12:49 AM   #18
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{{{{ Stophie }}}}

Anniversarys' can be painful. Some years better, some worse. This year my Mom's birthday hit me like a ton of bricks... the day after that is.

There I was thinking, "girl you did well", next morning a black cloud descended and hung around for a week.
I just hate that.. I forget to water the plants and alot of little stuff just goes untended.
Am better now.
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Old April 21st, 2001, 06:44 AM   #19
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((((((((((((antiana))))))))))))))
You won't believe this but when I read your post I looked over at the plant I took from my Grandma's funeral last summer. Lo and behold, I hadn't watered it in I don't know how long. So I immediately watered it and now 24 hours later it is looking to be back in good health. Thanx

Lots of Love
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Old April 21st, 2001, 09:44 AM   #20
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I guess in a way it's good to know other people know how this feels and are willing to share. I just had my 50th birthday. The years didn't bother me one bit. I look dang good for 50 and I feel great. What did hurt was that not one of my sisters bothered to send me so much as a post card. That threw my equilibrium off. We haven't talked in 11 years, and no matter how many overtures I make they won't break their silence. Anyway, it threw me into a depression. Like antiana I neglected the little things...my poor African violets look very woebegone today. So, today it's bright and sunny out and I'm going to take care of my life and try not to wonder what I do to fix other problems.
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Old April 25th, 2001, 04:15 AM   #21
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Well, Monday I found out that the X is involved with somebody else now. Funny how it hurts and yet I feel better knowing. It's like it helps make it easier to move on and try to find my own sense of closure. I still have that knot in my stomach but the tears were brief. That's good isn't it?
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Old April 25th, 2001, 07:47 PM   #22
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Oh {{{Stophie}}}, it's very good and very healing! I always hated hearing people say that one day I would look at my ex with indifference.... It's funny, but I do..it's like a lifetime away.

One of the things I did about a year after my divorce was seek out a friend to have a burning party with, sort of like closing a chapter in my life. We sat in front of a fire as I read and put each letter I ever wrote to my ex in the flames. Oh boy did I ever cry..not because of lost love, but because I knew that that was the moment I found me. I had me back again. By burning each letter, I found a peace I hadn't had before. It only got better....
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Old April 25th, 2001, 10:12 PM   #23
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(((((((((((DLC))))))))))))

I'm not to the burning stage yet, tho I have attempted it several times. I still have a picture of us taken not long after we started dating taped to my puter. It's been there so long I hardly notice it anymore but from time to time I do catch myself looking at it absent-mindedly. I have film from our last vacation together (3 weeks before we split) that I haven't had developed yet. It's sitting on top of my TV waiting for me to decide what to do with it. There are pictures from family things on those rolls too so eventually I will have to deal with it. The sooner the better I guess so I can get it over with. Thanx again to you and others who have been so encouraging during this ordeal. I have never experienced anything like this and being in Memphis away from my family and friends has made it more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. I think it is comforting to me to know I am not alone. That others have been thru similar situations and are willing to share those experiences with me. Lots of love to all of you.
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Old May 1st, 2001, 07:06 AM   #24
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Well, how about some good news for a change!! One of our restaurants in Little Rock is short-staffed managers, so I volunteered to go there for a while and help them out. I leave Thursday and, with the exception of the couple of days surrounding my birthday, I will be gone the entire month of May. Why is this good? Well, I get mucho brownie points with the Big Guy...my boss's boss. It will be a great learning experience for me in my company. All of which will in the long-run lead to bigger and better opportunities. But, personally, it will give me a much needed break from Memphis and all that is associated with it...namely, you-know-who. I am so excited about this, you can't imagine. For the first time since our break-up and even before, I feel a new sense of purpose and a will to get on with my life instead of wallowing in the uncertainities I have held the last 6 months. In addition to the help I am offering my company, I am going to be able to clear my head better and by the time I return I have no doubt that I will not only re-discover the person I was before but be a better person for it. Keep me in your thots. Love and miss ya already lol. (Hopefully, Dan and his wife with whom I'll be staying, have a computer...OMG the withdrawls!!!)
(((((((((((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))))))))))))))
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Old May 1st, 2001, 08:09 AM   #25
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{{{{Stophie}}}} you will be missed! Have fun while you're at it:-)

I remember the first year of my divorce, I moved 3 times, bought a car and got a new job, my therapist said HEY! enough is enough, lol.
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Old May 10th, 2001, 04:29 PM   #26
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to sophie

wow. i just found out my ex is dating someone two days ago. and i also, until about a week ago, had a picture of both of us on the computer. she started dating someone about 2-4 days after we stopped talking.

i feel like dying.
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Old May 10th, 2001, 05:42 PM   #27
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eek!

i mispelled your nick stophie.

ps.the problem with therapy, is that it's too easy to control what you can talk about, and i never feel like i talk about what i need to because i can't access it and i can't alert my therapist to access it either...
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Old May 11th, 2001, 07:24 AM   #28
DLC55
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k-kane, I had a great therapist, actually she was a LCSW. Whenever I decided there was something I didn't want to talk about, she knew. I swear that woman was psychic. After about a year of individual sessions, she started a womens group of those clients she knew would work good together. There were about 6 of us in group and she always knew who was holding back. Nothing was ever let to slide. The funny thing is, after about a year together, we all knew who was or wasn't telling the whole story. Other women came and went, but the core 6 of us stayed the same.

I loved that group! The day we decided I didn't really need it for me was a sad one. I miss the closeness we all had. I do go back and visit occasionally and there are times we all go out to celebrate something or another.
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Old May 11th, 2001, 09:57 AM   #29
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K
Hang tight!! You may need to change therapists, I believe that LCSW are better equipt to provide support for subjects with relationship/life difficulties such as break-ups and the transient depresssion that accompanies such alterations in life. You must also remember, that in order for your therapy to benefit you, you must be honest enough with yourself to allow the information to surface. A good exercise for this is to talk out loud with yourself about the things that are difficult to share with your therapist. Sometimes just hearing the words come out will be enough to spark your inner courage and clear the pathway for your thought to come out.
Good luck!!!
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Old May 11th, 2001, 01:58 PM   #30
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pardon my ignorance, but what exactly does LCSW stand for? i guess the W is for woman. my main problem in therapy is that i dont' feel comfortable crying in front of my therapist (haha!), i can't lose control or be myself. i dunno if that's because of him, or a problem i have, but it's irritating.

does anybody know of any lesbian coming out support groups in nyc?

thanks for all the support!
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