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Old July 14th, 2001, 09:52 PM   #1
Muskrat
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I'm about to get married for the first time (date set for May 11, 2002), and while I'm not too nervous (we've been living together 3 years come November), I sometimes have little teeny doubts about whether marriage is the thing for me. It's not my partner that worries me, its just the whole institution itself. I thought there must be others like there who feel the same way so I thought I'd start this folder.

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Old February 9th, 2002, 05:03 AM   #2
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I just recently got married, myself. And I found myself in the same situation you are... not having any 'doubts' about my partner, but doubting more, the institution itself. I think part of it... maybe most of it... is growing up all around divorce. We're not led to believe that marriage is 'forever' anymore.. but nowdays, it's more a trial to see how long it will last. I find myself celebrating each month... week... even day that I'm part of my marriage. And I've only been married four months or so. It's a happy marriage. We don't have any major problems that I know of, and I'm not even vaguely pondering divorce... but yet I find myself just about counting the days, as if it's a given that it's going to happen, 'sooner or later', and seeing if we can make it past some magic point... the significance of which I'm not even sure of.

All told, though, I still believe in the institution. That's why I got married. I married because I knew in my heart that it's more than just "a piece of paper", more than just ease in immigrating (which isn't very easy even so). I married because somewhere deep inside, I believe in the institution, believe in my partner, and even more so, I believe in myself. At this point, I'm just wishing society would have the same belief in us.

Which is not to say that I'm blaming society. More that I'm blaming myself for believing in the life reflected by the media, and expecting mine to turn out the same -- as if I have no control over it.

I do have control. And my marriage will work. I just have to convince my ever-doubting head of this.
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Old February 9th, 2002, 10:11 AM   #3
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Hi {{{{Wonder}}}}

Nice to see you again!

Just the other day, a co-worker and I were discussing marriage and the whole "starter marriage" thing that's been in the news lately. He, at 48, had just celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary. This year will be our 17th, and we've known each other for 24 years.

He said to me, "25 years or 17 years, we're beating the odds."

We started talking about why, and I said what I thought...that it seems a lot of people (including my peers) aren't willing to work through the difficult times and situations, knowing the whole marriage isn't going to be sunshine and light. There will be disagreements, misunderstandings...there might even be disasters, things other people would never survive emotionally. But you can commit to working through them, and coming out stronger. I don't believe that's all just rhetoric.

Marriage is certainly a hard job.
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Old February 9th, 2002, 01:15 PM   #4
Lou
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Aw (((Muskrat))) (((Wonder))) It warms my domestic heart to hear the voices of young women wondering about their lives in committed relationships. Here's my little story:

I am now 55, which means I've lived through major changes in our culture. In 1966, at 19, I married my high school sweetheart because that was what I was raised to do. I had no questions; I just did that. The marriage lasted 9 years, and I don't how long it would have lasted beyond that because my husband died unexpectedly, of leukemia. I found myself 28, uneducated, the mother of two small children, and powerfully disillusioned.

I never married again, but I have lived with men, and the man who lives with me now has been here for over 20 years. In his younger years, he was married and divorced twice, and neither marriage lasted more than 3 years, so he is amazed and grateful for his long life with me. We have three children between us, 2 1/2 grandchildren, and no children from our own union.

Like LiamFan, I think commitment is very hard because it often means pushing on through periods of loss--loss of health, employment, trust, love, all sorts of things you once thought you would not live without. I have learned that life is long and brings astonishing phases and changes. I would not have missed one of them, no matter how devastating. :-)

Here's a practical note you might tuck into your pocket: marriage legalizes your commitment, means that you can--for example--sign your husband into a hospital when he is unconscious, and he you; means that you can bury him and inherit, and he you; means that you can share insurance plans. These matters will become crucial points to you.

I taught my daughters that when they chose men with whom they wanted to have children, to be very careful, to choose men upon whom they were reasonably sure they could depend for the years when pregnancy and motherhood would prevent them from supporting themselves financially.

You might notice that in my comments, I don't place great significance on love. That's because in my relationships with men, I did not find great love. Sure, I have been deeply in love, have known the feelings of faithfulness and adoration. But I realized the truest kind of love with children--the lifelong commitment, the deep longing and intimacy, love that knows no bounds.

I wish you long, happy lives!
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Old February 9th, 2002, 10:57 PM   #5
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Pregnancy and motherhood don't make it impossible to support yourself financially. As a matter of fact, it may be as important to choose a husband who can take care of the baby while you continue at work.
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Old February 10th, 2002, 02:14 AM   #6
Lou
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Excellent point, LiamFan!
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Old March 11th, 2002, 11:14 AM   #7
Tala
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Smile Like riding a bicycle

Just like riding a bicycle. Some times the person you are married to changes and wont want to work things out then you are divorced. Yet does that make you a bad person. No! However it does make you realize whether or not you are good and want another marriage in the years to come. Marriage has its good points just like being single. Yet if you want love you first must love yourself before anyone else can love you. The truest sense of love is to love another and do for them cause you can not because you have to; that you would give your life to save theirs. Yes another sense of love is thru a child and the parent. Does that stop us all from wanting or experiencing love. No because you have love of life. That in itself is simple. Much love and huggers
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Old October 31st, 2002, 09:31 PM   #8
DACDjr
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The perfect wedding!

The perfect wedding in my eye`s, would be

The biggest church in town, decorated with the finest of bells and roses. White doves in cages waiting to be released as we say I do.

A white wedding gown, with a hint of the 1800 style look! A trailer 20 feet long. A vail made of see through silk.
My groom would be dressed in the most handsomest tux ever. With a cowboy hat if silk!

Outside the church, a carriage with 6 white horses awaits, to carry us to our destination where we would make our wedding night forever memorable.

The reception, nothing but fine foods, shrimp, caviar, scallops (whatever they are) and steak.
White wine that will tickle you nose when poured. Tables covered with silk clothes, covered with white rose petals!

A marriage sure to last forever!

A perfect wedding. In my dreams!


(sigh)
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Old June 13th, 2003, 12:57 PM   #9
ec1127
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Wink The idea of marriage

Well...I am 22, in a serious relationship for the 3rd time in my life, living with my boyfriend of a year and a half (we have been living together for over a year now), and finding myself in the position of truly considering marriage. I like all of you, have had my doubts about marriage, and if it is for me. However, this is what I have come to conclude. As my boyfriend and I spend more days together, and get to know each other more, I find that I only want more, I only want to know more, to learn more. And that alone has convinced me that he and I are meant to be, as he seems to feel the same way for me. We have discussed marriage several times, and while I am not sure when the exact moment will be, we are already married in each other's hearts. We live together, we shower together, we eat together, we do everything together, to the same extent that a young married couple would be together. And while we have our difficulties, we enjoy each other, and love each other enough, to be willing to spend the time, the effort, and the anguish to work through our troubles. No matter who you are, who you are with, or what point you are at in your life, you will have difficulties with a partner, and those who are truly in love, will spend the time to get through them. I look forward to the day the whole world will know that he and I are really giving our relationship a try, really attempting to make it work, as only a marriage can prove.
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Old April 14th, 2004, 06:15 PM   #10
Raine
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Wow, ec1127, your relationship sounds a lot like mine. I am 21, and have been living with my fiance for close to 2 years (we've been together 3 years). We do everything together, and seem a lot more committed in our relationship than a lot of married couple that I know. In our hearts, we both feel like we've been "married" for a while, and all that the legal wedding will be is a confirmation of that to the outside world, and to the government so we have legal rights as husband and wife. It's wierd because I had always planned on a big, fancy, fairytale type wedding, but it doesn't seem so important anymore, so we're going to just get married by a friend (who is a licensed minister) up in the mountains when my parents come to visit. If it wasn't for the legal stuff, and my parents, I don't even know if we'd have the wedding at all, because it just seems like we "skipped over" that part, and are already past it, if that makes any since (ie, we've already had the honeymoon, bought the house, and gone through a lot of the stuff most people don't face until after they've been married for a while).
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