Women Online Worldwide  

Go Back   Women Online Worldwide > Hobbies and Leisure Activities > Games, Jokes & Other Fun Stuff

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old October 30th, 2001, 08:34 PM   #1
DragonFox
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: ARKANSAS
Posts: 3
John, who was born without ears, needed to hire
a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.
He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting.
But at the end of the interview, John asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you
have no ears," came the reply.

John did not appreciate his candor
and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman,
who had been with the
bank a long time. She was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her
the same question:
Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said, "you have no ears."

John again got upset and tossed her out.

The third and final interviewee was the best of
the bunch. He was a young man who had
recently earned his MBA.
He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be
a better businessman than the first two put
together. John was anxious, but
went ahead and asked the young man:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes. You wear contact lenses."

John was shocked and realized this was
an incredibly observant
person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty
hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
DragonFox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old October 30th, 2001, 09:14 PM   #2
DragonFox
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: ARKANSAS
Posts: 3
Wink Outdoor Barbecuing





It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:


1. The woman goes to the store.


2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.


3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.


4. The man places the meat on the grill.


5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.


6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.


7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.


8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.


9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

DragonFox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old April 6th, 2002, 03:48 PM   #3
Annie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 21
An elderly woman and her little grandson whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spend the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint:! A girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him and said, "I love your freckles". When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said while tracing her finger across the child's cheek, "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really"?

"Of course", said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
__________________
"The hardest to learn was the least complicated" - Emily Saliers
Annie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old April 30th, 2002, 03:20 PM   #4
Netchatter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eastern Missouri
Posts: 23
Too much coincidence!

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labour.

The nurse says to the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of
twins!"

"What a coincidence!" he responds. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

Then the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints.
When he comes to, the others ask him what's wrong.

"What's wrong!" he gasps. "I work for Seven-Up!"
Netchatter is offline   Reply With Quote
Old January 16th, 2003, 12:51 PM   #5
mary
SHIMMERINGUNICORN
 
mary's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: ny
Posts: 52
Wink

i was not sure where to put this one so i am putting it here The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used too. When the examination was over, he said, "Now doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain english what's wrong with me?" " Well in plain english, " the doc replied, " You're just a plain, old, lazy fart." " Thank you. " said the man. " Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife! "
mary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old March 17th, 2004, 08:50 AM   #6
alina
Registered User
 
alina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 28
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
__________________
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that takes our breath away." Make It A Great Day!
alina is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 17th, 2004, 11:13 AM   #7
MintyFemme2
Registered User
 
MintyFemme2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 571
The NEW age facts of life
SON: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD: Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room in Yahoo . Dad set up a date via E-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe .
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from Dad's memorystick . As soon as Dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall .
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared .
And that's the story .
__________________
" Life is what you make of it"
MintyFemme2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 17th, 2004, 04:55 PM   #8
brede
my new motorcycle
 
brede's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 574
That's great! I never even realized there was a place to put jokes here!
__________________
I wanted to be a pirate, but I couldn't grow a beard and rum makes me giggle.
brede is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 17th, 2004, 06:40 PM   #9
MintyFemme2
Registered User
 
MintyFemme2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 571
((((((((((((((BREDE))))))))) psst snoop around hun you will find lots of stuff I'm glad ya liked tyhe joked .. when I read it in my email I had to pass it on.
__________________
" Life is what you make of it"
MintyFemme2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 18th, 2004, 10:01 AM   #10
brede
my new motorcycle
 
brede's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 574
I'm snooping when I get the time. That little puppy has me going constantly and I have very little energy these days. No food = no energy.

We changed the silly dog's name from Brede to Magpie. She steals anything and everything. If I drop something, she is more likely to get it before I can bend over and pick it up. She is too mischievious to be a goddess and Loki is way over used in my opinion.

I need to do another photo of her for my avatar. She is a joke all by herself. She has some lab in her, but is mostly weimaraner. Actually, she has one lab ear and one floppy weimaraner ear. Looks quite silly!

Her eyes match her coat now. I wanted them to stay that blue.
__________________
I wanted to be a pirate, but I couldn't grow a beard and rum makes me giggle.
brede is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 20th, 2004, 12:19 AM   #11
MintyFemme2
Registered User
 
MintyFemme2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 571
Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me,whip me !!!!!
Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapse in ecstasy .
About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor .
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks,"Did you get these marks having sex?"
Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky jerk to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease I've ever seen ."

((((((((BREDE)))) pets are to cute at times.
__________________
" Life is what you make of it"
MintyFemme2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 20th, 2004, 09:03 AM   #12
sunflower
member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ontario
Posts: 226
LOL MintyFemme2
sunflower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 20th, 2004, 09:57 AM   #13
brede
my new motorcycle
 
brede's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Florida
Posts: 574
Greg sent me this, it is a yearly contest that I love:

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are last year's (2003) winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the bunch ----
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass****
__________________
I wanted to be a pirate, but I couldn't grow a beard and rum makes me giggle.
brede is offline   Reply With Quote
Old October 31st, 2004, 11:52 AM   #14
rjsfeminist
Member
 
rjsfeminist's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: west central Florida
Posts: 1,512
ROTFLAMO! Oooh, Brede, those are tooooo baaad!
rjsfeminist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 6th, 2004, 06:24 PM   #15
WA114
www.womensweb.ca
 
WA114's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Canada
Posts: 551
The following was sent to me recently, and those of you stressing over how to accommodate every possible "politically correct observance of this festive wintry occasion" will get a chuckle out of it. Enjoy!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . . feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice -- what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

=================================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&!*# salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

=================================================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off.
__________________
There are 2 means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
-- A.Schweitzer
WA114 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:39 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Copyright ?1996-2008, Women Online Worldwide