Women Online Worldwide  

Go Back   Women Online Worldwide > Hobbies and Leisure Activities > Games, Jokes & Other Fun Stuff

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old June 18th, 2005, 07:45 AM   #16
JoJo
Born to Dance
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: New Jersey,USA
Posts: 34
A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady went to the drugstore and to purchase some "Nair."
At the register, the druggist offered some advice: "If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple
of days." The lady then said, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist responded, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
__________________
"Great dancers are not great because of their technique...they are great because of their passion." --Martha Graham
JoJo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 18th, 2005, 08:19 PM   #17
IRISH_EYES_99
Member
 
IRISH_EYES_99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: in the state of confusion :)
Posts: 3,524
rofl tsk tsk tsk roflmao
__________________
Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *
IRISH_EYES_99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old July 23rd, 2005, 07:57 PM   #18
hogggie
Registered User
 
hogggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: ohio
Posts: 30
McDonald's Job Application

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries
hogggie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:43 PM   #19
Tango
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Buying a car

A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes
her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just
touching it... you're going to poop when you hear the price."
  Reply With Quote
Old January 4th, 2006, 04:48 PM   #20
WillowWOW
Whimisical WOW
 
WillowWOW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 558
Talking Omgosh!!!!!!!

(((((((Tango)))))))
You are such a riot. LOL Keep thisup and I wont be able to do anything but laugh myself silly while running to the bathroom.

Have a great day!
__________________
May your path follow the Medicine Wheel
WillowWOW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old March 7th, 2006, 03:59 PM   #21
Tango
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Grandma

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs.Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks .... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta like Grandmas
  Reply With Quote
Old March 8th, 2006, 10:19 AM   #22
PoohsBigSister
Long Live WOW!!
 
PoohsBigSister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: CO
Posts: 1,791
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Tango ... I needed that this morning!!
(((((((((TANGO))))))))))))))))
__________________
"Life is a flower of which love is the honey." Victor Hugo
PoohsBigSister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old March 8th, 2006, 01:55 PM   #23
Tango
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
{{{{ PBS }}}}

Glad you liked it.
  Reply With Quote
Old March 8th, 2006, 08:53 PM   #24
Wolf_angel
A survivor of chaos
 
Wolf_angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Where my heart is
Posts: 3,147
Talking Rofl omg LOL

Wooowzers ((((Tango))))

That is rich LOL and delicious one yet! LOL
If only I had known that sooner

Have a great day!
__________________
May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~
Wolf_angel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old March 7th, 2007, 08:49 PM   #25
Tango
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Apologies if those of you with religious sensibilities find this offensive, but I found it too funny not to share.

<hr noshade size="1">

<h3 style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; font-family: Verdana; font-weight: normal"><font color="#AA3366">Catholic School</font></h3>

Sleeping in class, little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the classes.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good," and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary Margaret didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with his pencil.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The Nun soon asked Mary Margaret a third question:

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again little Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted!
  Reply With Quote
Old June 21st, 2007, 10:40 AM   #26
IRISH_EYES_99
Member
 
IRISH_EYES_99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: in the state of confusion :)
Posts: 3,524
Mama

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGIOn
"You better pray this comes out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
" If you don't straigten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC,
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me more LOGIC,
"If you gall out of that swingand break your neck, you're not going to the store with me"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught mbout the science of OSMOSIS
"shut your mouth, and eat your supper".

My mother taught me about CORTONTIONISTS
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." (or in my case until all the oatmeal is gone)

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went though it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
" If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate."



( I think it must be a "mama thing" )
__________________
Smiles are contagious. It's ok to pass them on. *
IRISH_EYES_99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 22nd, 2007, 12:33 PM   #27
Caretta
Registered User
 
Caretta's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5
WAX IS NOT YOUR FRIEND: an e-mail

***Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart. Read privately so as not to find yourself in the position of having your 6-year old son ask why you are giggling your head off at the computer. A firm chair with sides, and possibly Depends, are suggested to prevent embarrassment of laughing yourself out of your chair or having a "laugh fit accident"***

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief! and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... now that's funny. NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
__________________
~Well behaved women rarely make history <grin>
Caretta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 16th, 2007, 04:56 PM   #28
Wolf_angel
A survivor of chaos
 
Wolf_angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Where my heart is
Posts: 3,147
Dont ya love Stupid People

I found this and copied it to share with all of you...Thought ya'll could use a good laugh or two..

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter . "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't! you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Have a great day!
__________________
May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~
Wolf_angel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 23rd, 2009, 09:03 AM   #29
Wolf_angel
A survivor of chaos
 
Wolf_angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Where my heart is
Posts: 3,147
This is a repost of something from a group I am in! Thought it would make you smile! Merry Christmas!

Why do we love Children?

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________
May you walk in the shadow of the Great Spirit~To help others is a special gift we can either give or take~The more you give the more you receive~
Wolf_angel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 23rd, 2009, 01:51 PM   #30
crazymomma
awesome cookie lady
 
crazymomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Leechburgh, PA
Posts: 1,945
all I can say is thank you, I needed that!
__________________
It feels like home to me. Bonnie Rhatt
crazymomma is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:14 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Copyright ?1996-2008, Women Online Worldwide