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Old February 6th, 2003, 01:35 AM   #1
Marie
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Question If she hits me can she love me?

My new girlfriend has smacked me several times when she caaught me talking with other women. These are always harmless conversations amoungst friends. My girlfriend is VERY jealous but she says she loves me. Any advice?
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Old February 6th, 2003, 03:12 PM   #2
annebebe
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This is a topic worth copying into the violence against women thread. The fact that the culprit is also a woman doesn't change anything. We have most likely all suffered harm from someone proporting to love us, but it's not true love.
They think they love someone that they have other emotions for. It may be infatuation, or jealousy, or any other feeling that they misunderstand as love. But they always see their self interest as more important than their victim.
"If I can't have you, then nobody can."
They need to learn about love and to realise what they are truely feeling is a very distructive alternative.
I am so sorry, Marie, but she doesn't love you. If you want her to, it is very difficult for you. Can you imagine her changing so much that next month, or next year, could be different?
You could insist that she accept you socialising as much as you want, and see what happens. But which is more important in the long run, her feelings or yours?
Don't ever forget that you are the victim, and will be until you refuse to accept it.
Wishes and hugs
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Old February 7th, 2003, 09:30 AM   #3
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Nicely put Annebebe. I,m sad to say this, but I,m going to speak from experience.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 09:40 AM   #4
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Marie

I don't talk much about my past but I hope this will help in some way.


I,m ashamed to admit this but I was that other person. And try to believe me when I say the things I did was not out of Love but out of anger and hate. And even after all this time I sometimes slip and say something hurtful, out of anger. No one has the the right to hurt or hit another person.
If you truly Love someone why would you want to hurt them.

This is just my opinion, but your lover may have had something tragic happen in her past to have made her the way she is. It might help to just step back and observe.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 10:23 AM   #5
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{{{{{{{{{{Marie, sunflower}}}}}}}}}}
I was involved in a relationship like that once, and only once. It was the first and the last. I happened only once, but that once opened my eyes to what is best for me.
NO ONE deserves the punishment of being hit, no matter what.
I walked away and am glad I walked away.
I slept on the living room floor for 4 months in our apartment till I got my own place. But will tell you this, the moment I said this is not good for me, I looked for a safe place for me. Hope you find that place.
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Old February 7th, 2003, 02:13 PM   #6
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I have found out to my sorrow and then joy that if Someone loves you they give you wings to fly and trust you not to tarnish their trust in you. If they hit you, then that person is insecure and has no clue on how to deal with it. So they try to clip your wings and hobble you like they are. So spit shine your wings and fly......There are more fish in the sea! Plus its safer and wiser!
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Old February 7th, 2003, 05:31 PM   #7
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Perfectly said, Angel_Wolf. Can I just say about the people I fell in love with, but they didn't love me? I do still think of them, and I wish them well (as long as I don't have to listen to them telling me how well my wishes were answered !!).
I really never think of the hurtful lover. The memories are blured, the pain is gone, and the wonderful people I have been with since make me question why I ever bothered for so long! I am in love, and we could never have met if I had accepted what I used to have. I was alone for over 2 years, and would rather still be, than go back to where I was.
Life began when the fear was confronted!
I can't believe that I am unique!!!
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Old February 8th, 2003, 01:08 AM   #8
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(((seo58 wolf angel annebebe marie)))

I am sorry anyone has to go through what we went through. At times I still get bitter and angry at the man that did this ,as my life was changed.

But if it wasn't for the man I am now with I may not be the person that I became.

But I know this no man will ever lay a hand on me again.
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Old February 11th, 2003, 06:02 AM   #9
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Amen brother ben! LOL That is so true. I have a low tolerance for men or women who think they are going to abuse me. I have and will defend myself to any one who is stupid enough to do that. Then again I don't see EVERLAST on my head or body! So they better beware! Remember that no one should deal or be abused in one form or another. If someone is abusing you, seek help. Ask a friend. Leave don't walk, run! You deserve to be happy and unafraid of being abused! There is enough nonsense out in this world we really dont need no more stupid nonsense like being abused. You are a unique and special in your own way. SO be happy and safe!
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Old February 22nd, 2003, 11:38 PM   #10
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((((((((((((((ANEBEBE, Sunflower, Seo, and Marie))))))))))) Boy reading this is hard but it is just as hard to post it. No it is NOT normal to be abused. No one I don't care how much they say they love you or what they may buy you has the right to hit you, make you do something you don't want to do, or intimadate you rather it be direct intimation or not to do anything you don't want to do.
Now for my story. I grew up thinking that it was normal for your mom to beat you and for men to do what they wanted. I don't know if my mother realised it or not but in some ways I consider what one of her friends did was "bought" me from time to time. He would give my mom money for me to clean his perfectly clean house. I went to foster care when I was 15.. life was pretty good.. no abuse . Stupidly when I was 18 I went back home to my mother. Things were good for about a year but one day we got into a big fight and the abuse from her started again. My lover got tired of me calling her at work and crying bout mom hitting me. I was a 19- 20 year old woman but yet I could not stop my mom from abusing me. We moved out. After a time she became abusive too. The breaking point came one day when my god daughter who was only 18 monthes witnessed one of the worst episodes of violence and was terrified. I ended the relationship . I slept on the couch for two months before I moved .. she had another woman in my bed. I just dated for awhile . I listened to some one who said I wasn't really a lesbian I just didn't trust men. I stupidly tried being str8 for a time but as luck would have it the first male I had a relationship with turned out to be abusive as well. I didn't see it at first because in my warped way of thinking he couldn't be abusing me he was in a wheelchair.
Now 6 years later I am in a wonderful relationship with a woman who has never once raised her hand to me .. she hasn't even raised her voice even when she has been very angry. The few times she has been angry it wasn't at me.. she was angry with circumstances or the neighbor who constantly mooched off me and tried to always get a ride from her here or there when she was here.
Marie, you have to learn you deserve better in order for the abuse cycle to end. You are some one and you deserve to be loved and treated better. I can tell you that this woman is abusing you but it is up to you to know it is abuse and to do something about it. If I can overcome my past so can you. Is it easy? Hell no!!! Is it worth it?? Oh yes it is!!
Sunflower, the man you are with now may enhance your life but YOU are the one who decided she deserved to be loved and NOT abused. You are the one who changed you! Take the credit for changing your life honey.. if you hadn't changed you wouldn't be where you are or who you are with today!
Now for the stastics.. 3 % of all women will be abused by the time they are 18 at least once, 7% of males will be abused at least once. I don't know the stastics for heterolsexual women ( sorry my str8 sisters) but 40% of all lesbian relationships are abusive. These are stastics are based only the reported abuse. Please don't be a stastic, if you are and have overcome it, take the credit you deserve it. If you are still a stastic do something about it because no one else can do it for you!
Not many know exactly what I have been through and overcome and no one will know everything.. if you are reading this please learn from it.
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Old February 23rd, 2003, 09:48 AM   #11
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((((((((((MintyFemme2))))))))))


I know its difficult to explain to someone who has not been in that situation the affects it can have on your life. We can't change the past but we can and do learn from it.

Yes its hard to post but it is just as hard to keep it a secret.For me also there is no one person who know's my whole story.

But I realised two things since I started posting. One is that I,am not alone and two that I have to forgive the man from my past.

I,m so happy for you Minty that you have found a loving and caring partner. As I have.

Thank you for sharing your story.
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Old February 24th, 2003, 10:45 AM   #12
MintyFemme2
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((((((((((((((SUNFLOWER)))))))))))
Forgiving helps you alot true. Forgeting is another story. I have pretty much forgiven almost everyone but one man I have a hard time forgiving.. he made the devil look like an angel. If I see anyone who even resembles the man in the slightest way I get scared and pissed. I haven't seen man the in over 20 years yet I remember exactly how he looks.. including the way he stood. I don't dwell on not forgving him. I continue to ask God to allow my heart to forgive him from time to time though. Keep doing what you are doing and eventually you will be "normal" if one can be
Ohh I left out zero's in the children .. it should have read 70% of women by 18 ... and 30% of boys by 18 ..... all of the stastics are over 10 years though.. the percentage rates might have gone up or down.
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Old February 26th, 2003, 06:44 PM   #13
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(((((((Mintyfemme2 and Sunflower)))))) thanks for your posts - difficult, but so encouraging.
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Old February 28th, 2003, 05:40 PM   #14
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(((((((((annebebe)))))))))
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Old April 13th, 2003, 09:01 PM   #15
lisa32323
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My girlfriend hit me many times but, after we talked it out we realized that we still love each other. I would rather forgive the person that I love & give her as many chances as possible.
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