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Old February 21st, 2003, 06:56 PM   #1
starlin1
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How to Address my husband on this important issue

I have a problem that I dont know how to discuss with my husband. I am originally from MN, and my husband and I have just gotten out of the Army. We moved from AZ to California (where he is from) - because he wanted to go to school for 3 years. I was very unwilling to move to CA, - however, I was supportive of his plans and came anyways. After being here less than a year, its not where I want to spend the rest of my life. I transfered schools to finish my B.S. here. My husband is attending school, like me, however, I am carrying a full time job as well to support us. I dont mind working so he can focus on school, however, it seems lately that his school is lagging- he doesnt hardly go, and he doesnt take it serious. I attend school 4 nights a week and Saturdays, and get home at 10:30 pm. Its tiring for me, but he doesnt seem to realize that. Both of us are considering where to make our permanent home (we live with his mom right now)- he wants to stay here in Orange County, I dont. I dont want to stay in this state at all- its not desirable for me. However, his family and friends seem more important to him than anything. I havent been by my family in 6 years before I joined the Army. I wouldnt mind that, however, I know what he is like and I will be the one working two -three jobs just to afford a house here (a house that we could get in AZ for much cheaper). He doesnt see my side of the story- and its really bothering me. His parents think its unfair that I am pulling him away from his family..................but they dont realize I havent been by mine in 6 years! My husband is of Mexican descent- and simply states "if my parents made it here I know we can". The thing is that they are not making it- that is why we moved here to help them. They are still working full time at 60 years old because they havent planned. I dont want to be like that. Every time I talk to my husband about this he avoids the subject, or talks me down in front of his family. What do I do to make him understand that I am thinking about our future and our children's future (when we do decide to have kids)? He is basically on a "disneyland" level of thinking and will not take anything serious. HELP!!!
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Old February 21st, 2003, 07:45 PM   #2
Cod
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Maybe you could have him read that post, starlin. I'd say that is a great way to start this discussion with him.
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Old March 6th, 2003, 03:24 PM   #3
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I agree!
Have a great day!
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Old March 6th, 2003, 03:55 PM   #4
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Starlin, do you by chance have money and a driver's license? Take a mini vacation...leave a note letting him know where to find you.....no its not a divorce or separation but you need to have time with your family. I did the same thing in a similar situation. I just took my kids and went for a drive that lasted a week so I could visit my family! Just an idea dear! Good Luck!
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Old July 7th, 2004, 06:54 PM   #5
Dee
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I would agree with Willow - and think long and hard before you have kids.
It seems to me that you're not being heard here?
Good luck.
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Old July 7th, 2004, 09:06 PM   #6
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Hon, let me address a few of the points you made. First and most importantly, in my opinion, is the matter of his belittling you in front of family and (forgive me if I'm misinterpreting here) his attempt to isolate you from your family and friends. Does he also resort to name calling, public humiliation, or verbal abuse? All of these are forms of abuse and rob the victim of her self-esteem. I think you need to assess your situation -- only you know what's really happening here -- as outsiders reading your post, the rest of us have only conjecture to go on.

From my own experience and knowledge of Latino culture, family is very important. For example, if you have a block party and invite your Guatemalan girlfriend, let's say, but don't extend an invitation to her spouse, parents and siblings, they may well feel hurt and/or snubbed by that. Again, I'm speculating about the family dynamic in your husband's case, but I'm thinking this is the case here also -- they are all very close -- extended family also.

Your family should be as important in this relationship. As his wife, you have a family too, whether his family is accepting of that fact or not. As such, you have as much right to see your family as he has to see his.

The fact you haven't seen yours in so long makes me wonder whether consciously or unconsciously, your spouse is trying to isolate you from them and create a situation in which you are dependent on him. Again, this is a sign of abuse, however minimal it may seem. On the other hand, I should also ask whether your not seeing your family in 6 years is tied to your tour(s) of duty or to other factors we, as readers, don't yet know about?

I also have to wonder why he isn't investing in his education or taking it seriously. What are the distractions and why do they exist? Is this a defeatist attitude on his part -- believing he cannot succeed -- or has he not really chosen a particular career path? These are things that, it sounds to me, he needs to explore.

You're in a tough spot, sweetie, and I concur with the others here. If he is unwilling to discuss the troubles in your relationship, perhaps a time out is in order. If he is unwilling to talk to you and/or if he isn't open to the idea of relationship counseling, you can nevertheless stand to benefit from talking to someone on an individual basis. Have you considered that? In my community, the Crisis Line and Support Network each keep lists of community resources that offer counseling services. Some of these include the YMCA, the Salvation Army, the Jewish Family Centre, and various other services. Some even offer a sliding fee scale, based on your current financial situation.

A relationship is a two-way street, and it doesn't seem fair to me that he is belittling you while at the same time expecting a free ride...

Just my two cents, but I hope they help.

Good luck, and keep us posted on your situation.
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Old July 19th, 2006, 09:37 PM   #7
Kristin
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Hello!

NEVER invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose!

And that is from past personal experience, and also my professional advice.

Hope it's worked out for you by now anyways,since my response is somewhat late.Good luck to you, and all the best wishes.
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