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Old January 9th, 2005, 10:00 AM   #1
CanAm
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Just left my husband

Has anyone else had to just get out!? Part of me feels very guilty, but he treated me like a servant and I could not take it anymore. He yelled about everything. If I didn't have a pen in my purse when he wanted one or if he couldn't find his glasses, because it was the woman's job to keep up with these things. I got in the car and left. I feel awful about leaving my little step-son, but what was I to do? I have been unhappy for a long time. I have to live for me. He is calling and trying to make me feel guilty, it's working a little, but he refuses to see his own actions that pushed me away. I hope it smooths out soon, but for now everything hurts.
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Old January 9th, 2005, 11:05 AM   #2
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CanAm could you talk him into some counseling?
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Old January 9th, 2005, 12:02 PM   #3
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I have thought about that, but I really don't think he will change. He is such a yeller. People in his family say he has been that way his whole life. He thinks everything is my fault. He still thinks it is the 1800's where the woman is supposed to do absolutey everything. I love my stepson, but I was raising him with very little help from my husband. He would step in when he felt I was being too tough on the boy in regard to repremanding, so I felt undermined and would get frustrated. I am tired of his bullying and honestly I fell out of love with him. Last summer his daughter and her boyfriend came to visit us. He went to the airport to pick them up and I was putting the finishing touches on the house. I became very sick to my stomach and was in bed when they returned. He screamed at me in front of them for not having the place clean enough. It was so humiliating. That was when I decided I was through with him, but I didn't know how to leave. It took until now for me to be able to go. I so did not want to leave my stepson, but I decided I needed to think of myself.Sometimes we had fun together, but he is always against me, trying to point out what I am doing wrong, shaking his head in disgust. I want to start my life over.
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Old January 9th, 2005, 02:00 PM   #4
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Yeah I can imagine how tough it would be to live with someone like that. I guess I was hoping that he would see how serious you are and be willing to look at changing. I have to admit, that little stepson is on my mind too.
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Old January 9th, 2005, 04:25 PM   #5
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CanAm sorry that you are going though all this. Maybe, just maybe when he realizes you mean busines he will wake up. Sometimes it takes serious action on your part to make them see that.

How old is your stepson? Is there a way that he would let you be in touch with the chil? For the sake of the child I hope so.

Cod, is absolutely right about the counseling. It would be beneficial to each of you to seek that help. Even if he doesn't if you can go on your own it would be good. Sounds like you could use some building of of your self esteem. Good luck.
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Old January 10th, 2005, 09:24 AM   #6
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My little guy is only 5 and too young to understand more than mom left us. It is breaking my heart. I am definitely going to look into some sort of support group. I really could use a boost. I just wish my husband could see how he treated me. I have talked to him til I was blue in the face and he just didn't get it. I was his scapegoat for everything that went wrong. He would walk through the living room and do the finger dust test, if he saw dust he would go off about- look at this dust, don't you ever dust around here! This is how it went all the time. He feels that because he bought me things and was the financial provider that I had it so good. I would like to have contact with my stepson, but I wonder if it would be too confusing for him. Geographically I am very far away at this time. I went home to mother! I will be OK. I am doing a lot of praying for myself and them. I know they will be OK too. Thanks for your support.
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Old January 10th, 2005, 12:01 PM   #7
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This thread is breaking my heart - just thinking of that little guy wondering where his mommy is. Canam, just because you are not biologically his mother, I am pretty sure does not mean you have no rights where this child is concerned. How long were you in his life? I am sure any court would look favourably on you (in regards to visitation) if you helped raise him! I know it is not like living with him, but at least he would know that you are still there for him, love him......and didn't want to leave him.
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Old January 10th, 2005, 01:35 PM   #8
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CanAm, I am going through a similar situation also, and I understand the myriad emotions that go along with a separation, particularly if you left because of emotional and psychological abuse. There is anger, as well as sadness, emptiness, second-guessing, self-doubt, self-recrimination... to name just a few!

I would encourage you -- as someone earlier in this thread did -- to continue with individual counseling. I am going myself, and although yes, there are occasional setbacks, it is important to talk with someone about your emotions, progresses, pitfalls, and mind traps. In doing this, you can change your thinking for the better and, as I am doing, help rebuild your self-esteem and reclaim your "self."

With respect to your stepson, I am hesitant to offer any legal advice, particularly since statutes and laws vary from one province/state to another.

I don't have children myself, but I know that your stepson will need and want reassurance from you. If you want to reassure him, may I recommend the book <i>Mom and Dad Don't Live Together Anymore</i>, by Kathy Stinson. This book is recommended for ages 4-8, so it would be age appropriate for him. Essentially, the message of the book is that although parents don't live together and love each other anymore, children of divorce are still as loved as they ever were.

Although I'm not familiar with it, another book that comes recommended is <i>It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear</i> by Vicky Lansky. Below is a description of this book:

<i>How do you talk to your children about your divorce? How can you best handle their responses? Here's a children's book and parenting tool rolled into one. It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear is a picture book designed to be read by parents to their children. Koko Bear's parents are getting a divorce, and Koko, a preschool-aged unisex bear, isn't happy about it. "I don't like this divorce. I don't want two homes," Koko says. Koko Bear's story doesn't minimize kids' pain, but it doesn't wallow in it either. The message is positive: children are reassured that their feelings are natural, that their parents still love and will care for them, and that the divorce is not their fault. At the bottom of each page, there are bullet points for parents that give information and advice about what the kids are going through, and the best way to handle each issue as it arises. (Ages 3 to 7 and parents)</i>

Each of these books provides a comforting way of going through an inevitably painful process while gently showing children that they didn't cause the breakup. Because small children in particular often have trouble understanding new everyday arrangements, this book and doll helps children cope with and express new feelings.

Check with your local bookseller. Perhaps you can find these books and mail them to your stepson, or read them to him over the telephone. If you have visitation, you can put them in a "special bag" that contains things special to the two of you. It will have these books and photos and private things that no one else can see or touch. This will further reinforce the special bond you both have.

I hope my suggestions are helpful.
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Old January 10th, 2005, 08:24 PM   #9
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Great books WA114..
If for some reason you can't get to a book store check your library. They have a whole section of these type books. Age appropriate and parent approved. There are some great books for you there too.
Hey, is your library on line check it out there too.

Good luck to all that are going though changes in their lives. It's a rough spot to be in I wish you strenght and courage to get though it.
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Old January 12th, 2005, 10:09 AM   #10
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Thank you for the information and support. I am about 1200 miles away from them right now, so unfortunately visiting my stepson is not in the cards. My husband called the other day appologising and saying that things had been pointed out to him regarding his behavior. He said lets just take a month and see how things are after that time. So now he is making it his idea that we are apart. He has such a need to be in control of everything. I honestly do not think he will change. I am sure he would let me speak to my stepson on the phone, but kids his age are not really into talking on the phone. It's just sad, but I am really happy at mom's. She is not well due to a stroke and so I treasure the time I have with her. No one yells here. It is a very spiritual, peaceful house. I honestly don't miss my husband. I feel awful saying that because I know he loves me so much in his own way, but his kind of love doesn't work for me. I really feel sorry for him sometimes.
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Old January 12th, 2005, 10:37 AM   #11
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CanAm I think we all can understand the peace you must be feeling right now. I don't know if he could possibly change enough to be pleasant to live with, but perhaps you can make him see the light enough that he will think about his actions and hopefully be a better parent because of that. It won't be easy for a child to grow up with a dad like that if he doesn't change. Best of luck to all of you.
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Old January 12th, 2005, 08:13 PM   #12
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Good luck enjoy the peace and the time with your mom. I agree with cod, that maybe with this he will be a better parent with his eyes opened enough.
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Old January 13th, 2005, 10:50 AM   #13
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My husband called last night and said he was sorry for putting so much on me. I did everything! Now he is doing everything and realizes how much it really is. Especially the getting up early to get the little guy to school in the morning. It was overwhelming to me to be a mom and housewife after living such a solitary life for so many years. I just rented rooms for many years. We moved in together and suddenly I had a whole house to care for. It was not long after, he got a frightening call from his ex saying please come get your son I need to go to the hospital. She was having a mental breakdown. We raced up there fearing she may do something harmful to her or his son. When we got there a friend had taken the boy and his mom had been admitted to a hopital. She was then comitted to a state psychiatric hospital. He was 3 1/2 when we got him. She was there for almost ten weeks. My husband was in contact with her Drs to see how she was doing. Once she was to be released the Dr said the child should not go back to her right away because she needed to adjust to her medication. My husband brought his son up to visit her for a weekend. He said she was out of it and had very little interest in him. My husband told me that after he left originaly she had put all care of the boy in the hands of her young daughter. He was two and she was 12. She did everything, bathing, diapers, feeding, putting him to bed. The mom had very little to do with him. Once we had him we decided we could give him a better life and with no one having legal custody we could do it. So I suddenly became a mom to a 3 1/2 year old very active boy. I was nervous, but my husband went to work and I made a daily routine that I kept too faithfully. It made life easier. It was a challenge, but worth it. He is such a cutie pie. Months past and we were looking into the legalities of getting custody. My husband felt a bit bad because he felt he was sort stealing the child away from his mom. He put off getting things finalized. Big mistake, even though I understand. About 8 months later, we have the little guy in a good pre school and we are doing well and she wants to see him for a weekend. She has been saying she wants him back and had been angry at my husband. He was feeling guilty and decided he would bring the boy up for a visit. Everyone in the world said don't do it until you finalize custody, even me. But here we go to drop him off for a weekend. My husband left him off and he was going to go back the next morning and get them a Christmas tree and other Christmas things, some presents. He called later that evening to see how things were and to say goodnight. No answer. He thought it was strange, but it was a bit late so he thought maybe they went to bed. The next morning we were at breakfast and he called again, no answer. Now he starts getting worried, we go by the house. Big surprise, no one there. It was awful. They had taken off the night before. We did not know where they were for about 4 months. We had a detective find them. My poor husband was going crazy. We both were. To not know where your child is or how he is doing is the worst feeling in the world. Eventually we got a court date for custody and it took the judge 5 minutes to decide the boy needs to be with the father. We were so thrilled we both love that boy so much. My husband and I have been through so much together. Sometimes I think God brings people together to help each other get through things, but not necessarily to be together forever. He loves his son very much. He's just loud and can be emotionally abusive, but he means well a lot of the time. Now my stepson is 5 1/2, he loves being with his dad. The sad thing is he is already becoming a yeller! They will be fine. They will yell a lot, but love each other a lot. I just can't stand all that yelling. Maybe someday a vey nice woman will come along who just loves to yell. And so the three of them will love each other very much, but yell all day!!
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Old January 13th, 2005, 11:58 AM   #14
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CanAm, this is nothing against you, of course, but after reading what this tiny boy has been through, I find the fact that Florida still will not allow gay parents to adopt even more appalling. "It is better that a child be raised in a home with a mother and a father" they say.

NO...a child needs stability, love, and security. Why can't they look at each individual situation?

Anyway, that said, I hope your husband will provide what his son so desperately needs in his life. Being "emotionally abusive" frightens me. That little boy has had enough emotional trauma going on in his short life.

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Old January 13th, 2005, 12:31 PM   #15
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Cod, I agree with you - this little boy has certainly gotten the short end of the stick! I find this thread so incredibly sad and very hard to read and my heart pours out to this little guy who must feel like everyone he counts on to take care of him, leaves him. I don't mean that in an attempt to criticize anyone - but gee this is so terribly, terribly sad. This boy is surely going to be scarred by the trauma he has experienced so early in his little life.....

As for gay adoption.....I personally don't care what your sexual orientation is, if you can provide a good, safe, loving home, you should qualify. In fact, I was under the impression that was already the case. Is it just Florida now that will not allow it?
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