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Old July 28th, 2003, 02:47 PM   #16
Cod
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well you can usually find someone here to talk to. a lot of us have many of the same experiences and it does help to know that. nice ot see you here serenity_7uk
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Old February 12th, 2005, 11:42 AM   #17
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Okay, I'm not having so much a MidLife Crisis as I am coming to a crossroads. After procrastinating, I've decided to go back to school this coming summer/fall. (I'm 51, so it's not like I'm a "kid" going back.)

Anyone else going back after being out for years?
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Old March 1st, 2005, 11:11 AM   #18
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I'd love to go back. My educational goal was to get my doctorate. But, my body and mind will no longer cooperate with me. I think that's one area of being disabled is most frustrating. My ability to concentrate is gone and I can't make it to any class consistantly. So, woohoo! for you going back to school! I'm jealous.

I will be 50 in July so I guess learning to drive my motorcycle is my midlife crisis. LOL!

What are you going to study?
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Old March 4th, 2005, 03:02 PM   #19
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Years ago, I wanted to be a doctor. But now, I'm planning to go for a BA in journalism, followed by either (1) an MFA and teach writing on the college level or (2) become an ordained minister (Episcopal Church). (I've also thought of law, but I don't know that I'd want to do that full-time--and it's not exactly something you'd do as a hobby. Though it might sound like an ironic twist: "What do you do?" "I teach writing and I write. My hobby? Law!") So, teaching writing and/or become a minister.
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Old March 9th, 2005, 10:14 PM   #20
Kerirose63
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Need Advice!!!!

Hello Everyone!
I had my midlife crisis about a year ago. Life had never been worse for me. I was struglig to make ends meet, not knowing if I could make the rent or not....emotionally alone. ( except for my dog Pepe ) and I even had a guilt complex about him, as I had to work all the time, and he had to stay cooped up in my tiny apartment, looking out the window for me all day long. So, after a series of events...almost being murdered, having 300.00 stolen from me, and getting ran off the road by a semi truck, I was as low as low can be. Then the BIG 50. Well, anyway, I became severely depressed, had a pit of anxiety in my stomach all the time, and shaking constantly inside. Wel, this is not a pity story, I just want you to know these things happen...as I am sure most of you know. I didnt want to get out of bed cos I didnt want to be ME anymore. I thought constantly of ways to kill myself without my kids knowing it was suicide. I would call them and ask them...do you love me..and of course they would say yes, but didnt quite know what else to say to a depressed mom. Then last Easter I went to an Easter Pageant with a friend. It was moving and powerful, and a man was talking about himself being suicidal when he was young,and then there was a beautiful Pageant that moved me greatly. I fell down on my knees in front of my couch and just prayed for guidance and help..after the pageant...And then God came into my life and amazing things started happening to me. I met total strangers in public places who would look at me, and ask if they could pray with me. I started making better money at work, and best of all..I learned to love myself. And He found me a wonderful husband who loves me in every way. Now I only have one problem, and it is a serious one. It is my Mother. Since as long as I can remember, this woman has abused me...emotionally and pyhsically She would slap me and kick me when I was little, and the abuse has never gone away. She just recently had Thanksgiving at my house and started a big ruckus, that resulted in hurt feelings between me and my son, and she tried to slap me and we had to ask her to leave. My mom has BiPolar...I think, and was on Paxil for awhile and she got better. Now she refuses to take it, and is getting worse all the time. So my question is this......Should I let her tyrants and bitterness ruin my good life now? I am finally happy, and though I will miss going to family gatherings it will be a relief to know I wont be humilated, or attacked. My mom is 70 years old. And I have been trying to pleaase her for as long as I can remember. But I cannot handle her abuse anymore. Am I right to give up on my relationship with her? Please, if anyone could help me make a decision I would appreciate it. I will say, though I love my Mother, I also hate her...does that make sense?
Thanks,
Keri
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Old March 10th, 2005, 12:00 PM   #21
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Keri it's so good that you are happy now. If your mother refuses to help herself, and is continuing to abuse you and cause problems in your family, then I can't blame you for wanting to avoid her. If you decide to do so though,, tell her why. Tell all the family why. I would hope they'd all understand.

Maybe your mother will wake up as to why she must get help.

Good luck!
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Old March 10th, 2005, 02:09 PM   #22
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(((((((((((kerirose)))))))))))))))),
I'm so glad you found peace in your life. That you have someone who loves you for who you are.
As far as your mom goes.. I wish there was a quick fix answer there isn't. As Cod says before you cut her off call her talk to her. At least if you try to reason with her you are verifying you. If she chooses not to listen don't beat up on yourself. Take the steps necessary for you to be ok with your decision.
You have a right to live in peace to be happy, to be able to reason with those you love and love you back.
If mom refuses to listen or to get help for herself IT's NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Don't punish yourself by feeling guilty about it. You are taking the right steps. Wish you the best of luck with this.
BTW congrats on all your successes. You know you have many.
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Old March 13th, 2005, 08:43 AM   #23
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(((Keri))) Sounds like you had a rough time of it. It can be difficult when you have to put your foot down with someone close to you...but it sounds like you did the right thing by asking her to leave. And yes, it makes perfect sense that while you love her, you also hate her, too. Families can be the most difficult relationships.

That said, I'm glad you're finally able to be happy. You may have "down" days, esp. around holidays or "family days" (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), but that, too, is normal and to be expected. Just remember to be good to yourself, do your best, etc.

And welcome to the boards...
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Old March 15th, 2005, 10:58 PM   #24
Kerirose63
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Thank You (Cod) (Irish) and (rjfemnistt)
I so appreciate all mof your advice. Each one of your words touched my heart, and brought closure to a situation I have been dealing with for awhile. Believe me, I have written and called my "Mother"....and just couldnt get anywhere with her. Just last week she planned a family get together, and of course I wasnt invited. So the rest of the family can just deal with her. So, I truly have gotten to the point that I am glad I am not at the get togethers, and will have my own family get togethers at my home....minus HER!!! If I ever see that woman again, it will be too soon, tho unfortunately she will be at Jeremy's (my son) wedding in July, so I will just completely avoid her. One thing you said..my sweet Irish Eyes is...its not my fault. All these years I have been that little 5 year old girl, trying to please my mommy, and never suceeding. And I now officially, give up! It makes me feel good, just typing that. And I have my whole life ahead of me, happy and not have this burden on my heart anyone. Again, thank you, thank you, and THANK YOU!!!!
Keri
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Old June 5th, 2005, 04:45 PM   #25
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How's it going, Keri?
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Old December 10th, 2006, 09:08 PM   #26
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Hi everyone!

Most of you know me as I have been around more years than I can count. I had a crisis this morning and came here looking for help. I didn't find what I was looking for so carried on with my day. Tonight I read Kerirose's post and went ahh someone dealing with the same problem as me. It's been a lifetime of abuse from a woman that was supposed to be a mother to me. At a very young age I took over her responsibilities. I became what is known as codependent. I hid my resentments, anger, and other feelings and became a people pleaser. I have lived my whole life as a people pleaser. I have been through one crisis after another in my life and have always been the strong one, taking control, dealing with it all, as well as working full time, raising a family and basically being a doormat to those around me. I was easy to disrespect because I allowed it. It was easy to give up my wants for others because I allowed it. About a year and a half ago I became plain worn out. I couldnt be the rock for everyone any longer and I started pulling away. Of course being the responsible one in a dysfunctional family I have not been allowed to pull away completely. After my aunt hung herself I pulled away from most family including my mother. I only had contact with my mother at my brothers funeral last year after he too hung himself. A brother I helped raise. Since that time I have almost no contact with my mother. She has her life and I have mine which I enjoyed immensely. Now my mother is in need of help. Of course I am the one that is called upon to help her. She is 73 yrs old and has bursitus in her shoulders making it hard to lift anything or get around much. She refused to help herself with a home care worker and I was called. Today after cleaning her bathroom, doing her laundry, feeding her, buying her groceries and listening to her for a couple hours I am angry once again that I have been pulled in only when a crisis happens. In no way does my mother want me as her daughter except when it comes to fixing her problems. I am not here now telling this to get sympathy. I am still a very strong woman who deals with her own problems but I am now also willing to admit I need help. This morning I had no where to turn. Tonight I remembered I have all of you. You were my world for over 8 yrs. Any advice or support will be appreciated. Thank you.
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Old December 10th, 2006, 09:31 PM   #27
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Wink Well...

((((Shanal)))) If I am not mistaken you are shana right?

Anyway, I know what you mean by being the people pleaser. That is one heck of a taxing choice you made way back then. I can see your quandry as well as how you want to put your distance in yet dont want to leave your Mother hanging by herself. I would suggest you get her a nurse's home aide that can spare you a few times a week. So you dont get overwhelmed. Your Mother may not like it, yet you do have a full life.

You are not saying No I wont help but it has to be a compromise. You still have things to do and etc. So you are going to use that noggin of yours. Let her know you are there but you do need time to keep your own things going as well. This way you aren't falling into the people pleaser trap again. Yet putting some boundaries will make your life better. Which sounds like to me is what you need.

Not saying I am right but that is what screams at me from your post. Please take no offense, yet you are one vital woman to many. Hence you still need time for yourself. Hope this helps.

Have a great day!
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Old December 10th, 2006, 09:59 PM   #28
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Thanks Wolf.
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Old December 10th, 2006, 11:11 PM   #29
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{{{{{shana}}}}}

It sounds like she needs to choose either:

Home Care Worker

or

Enter a Nursing Home

It's not worth running yourself down.
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Old December 11th, 2006, 12:39 AM   #30
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((((((((Shana))))))))

You are allowed to do what you feel is best for YOU. If it's a guilt thing, then you go talk to someone and take care of you! You only have so much energy, you can't do it all.

If your mother wants help from you and you want to give some to her, she at the very least needs to make an effort. 73 isn't old enough in this day and age, certainly not old enough to just give in. She can get some help in the house and she can also try some therapy to increase her strength and mobility and lessen her pain.

My mother has had terrible problems with a shoulder and a hip, but she's used acupuncture, massage therapy and physical therapy to have a better quality of life. (yes, we're from California, hence the alternative therapy.<g>)

But seriously, you don't have to do it all and you don't have to do any of it. However, if you choose to help out, make some ground rules, let your mom (and other family members) know what they are, and stick to them.

YOU tell THEM how much you'll be able to give and let them know they'll have to fill in the rest with a home health worker or whatever.. Be strong and be firm.
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