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Old December 11th, 2006, 10:39 AM   #31
gizzysmom
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((((((((((((shana)))))))))))) this is seo58

I am not quite sure if what I have to say can help you but I hope it can.
as most of you know my Mom moved away from me to the other side of the country, left me here by myself with no family. My sister and her family went as well.
My mother and I have had a rocky relationship since the day I was born and no matter what I have done in my life I could never please her, get her to say I did good, get her approval. Well I learned, after 2 years of crying myself to sleep at night, that the best thing for "me" was for her to move away. I woke up and realized that she does not run my life and no matter what I do it has to be good for me, not her.
I said when she moved out there she should never have moved and taken her father who at the time was 93. I was right, the moved more or less killed my grandfather 4 yrs later. He hated it out there. And now she regrets moving there as well. She regrets living with my sister, she says she's ignored by her and her family and taken advantage of. A few months ago I spent almost 2 hours on the phone listening to her. She has never talked to me like that. I knew she hurt and me being the eldest daughter and a caretaker like her I listened. We have grown closer with her being away from me but things will never be as I want them to be so I have to deal with that. I don't like it but it's how it is.
I have grown alot since I was last online 3 yrs ago. I too have missed everyone in this place. When I had to go offline it was like disconnecting from my family.
You, and every single woman who comes into this place is strong. I have seen it. You will do what is right for you, it may take you a minute to think about what is right but you will do it. Your a very kind woman and that kindness shows always.
This place holds dear to my heart and I hope I can stay a while.
I hope this post helps you We all care about you shana and I for one have always admired you.
Thank you for letting me share here
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Old December 11th, 2006, 02:04 PM   #32
Tiffin
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Shana,

All children want their parent to love them unconditionally and want to return that love to their parent just as much, unfortunately in Dysfunctional Families this is not completely possible. There is always a ?catch? from one of the members.

As a person you have every right to say ?NO? to anyone asking you to do something for them. This is esp. true when its someone who your contact has been limited in any degree; for whatever reason.

Your mother said ?NO? to a home health helper. Was this due to cost? Or just that she doesn?t wish to have a person unknown to her around her home and private things? Or was it a show to say I have family that MUST take care of me no matter how they have been treated in the past or present.

Your accepting to go and do basically nurse-housekeeper care is only saying to your mother ?its Okay you mistreated me for years & other family members I cared about; although I feel guilty about how I was treated I?ll be the ?good understanding/forgiving daughter? now? even though this IS NOT how you truly feel. This action will only cause you more unease in the long run.

A numeric age has nothing to do with if they are medically fragile or not. Your mother at 73 may be a very frail or another?s mother who is 90 may be the life of the party and not show any aging. But having a shoulder that is cause by bursitis although painful is not life threatening and unless there are other medical problems this alone is does not make a person ?medically fragile?.

For me that would be a deciding factor in assisting a person whose contact has been curtailed. Is their life in danger if they don?t receive assistance or will their life be prolonged if they are in a medical crisis.

Bursitis doesn?t fit into either category to me. But this is just my opinion.

I personally have no contact with a couple of family members. I believe lots of members of WOW have no or limited contact with folks who are dysfunctional. Its healthier to you to NOT be around the folks who cause or add to the dysfunction.

Life is too short to put yourself thru this pain again and again. Of course there are psychiatrist who would be happy to take your money and help you find a cure for the many years of dysfunction and unhappiness, but only you can decide when enough is enough and begin to heal yourself and accept that you have the right to live your life in a happy and healthy non-dysfunctional manner.

My message may seem harsh but I?ve always been known to speak my mind and do not wish to bruise anyone?s feelings here at WOW.
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Old December 11th, 2006, 03:34 PM   #33
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I dont exactly know where to start. You know I love you all. I came here long ago because of some crisis or another in my life. It helped me more than I can tell you. I took a leave because I had a very busy life but I didnt realize exactly what I was giving up. Part of my strength is all of you. Sharing with you, offering my support to each and everyone of you and recieving the blessing that you all are to me. I am not willing to let that go any longer. I am back. Although I have a lot to do in my life right now I am coming back. I cant promise to chat all night like I used too but I need to be here. My mother is a master manipulator. I have forgiven her but I have to learn to heal myself and stop the codependency. She refused home care because she knew that I would feel so guilty that I would eventually go to her and fix her problems once again. She has access to many services, which are free due to our government. She doesnt have to pay a thing, all she has to do is pick up the phone and ask. I have left that in her hands and if she does it great, if not its her problem not mine. Her manipulation has been a constant way of life since I was very young. You all are right, I am the only one that can change that. I have learned that when you are codependent you surround yourself with people that are not good for you. I am in the process now of changing that in my life. You all have been good for me and although busy I was foolish enough to let it slide. I thank you for your words although my greatest thanks is not for the words but just by being here you have all shown me the support I so badly needed. I am shedding tears now and you all knew I would. I have missed you all so very much. Tiffin I have always admired you and it was you that pulled me into this wonderful group of women. I am so pleased to see you still here. I knew when I posted that you all would come. I just didnt know it was going to make me cry like a baby. lol. Thank you ever so much. (((((( Everyone )))))) I know I will be ok now.
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Old December 11th, 2006, 05:33 PM   #34
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Wink Always with Love

(((((Shana1))))))

((((((Tiffin Allie Addie gizzysmom))))))

Please note that all of this is said with love sent with love and prayers are sent with love as well.

As you can see Shana1 that you are truley loved here. Even when you werent here. You were sorely missed since you had touched other people lives.

If we have families or friends that are dysfunctional, we must let them go. For they have their own things to work out. Sometimes they would like us to take charge and take care of things for them. Yet this is continuing the circle of dysfunction. Hence not a good thing whatsoever.

Like you had said, your Mom has the tools, only she needs to change things for herself. Yet if she doesnt it is her problem not yours. So true. Yet you feel for her and want to be there for her. Yet if she cant help herself in this instance when will she?

You did the right thing. Plus coming here knowing we love you, will understand, and tell you like it is. Right Tiffin? LOL Just know we are here for you anytime.

Know that we love ya!

Have a great day!
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Old December 11th, 2006, 07:40 PM   #35
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WOW is and can be many things to many women! I know. I have had many wonderful life changing moments in this forum. Seo, this is family of choice. I learned long ago that we all need family but we also can choose who they are. It was this forum that taught me that I can let go of my abusive family and not feel bad about it. I did not expect illness to change that for me. I was quite content to go on with my own life and leave the past behind me. I didnt expect it to rear up and smack me in the face out of the blue like this. It confused me and I sought out help. Without this forum I may have gone back next week to clean my mom's home. I wont be doing that now. Along the way I have learned that it is strong to be able to ask for help as well as give it. I see all of you as very strong women. Update on mom. I called her today to see if she called for home support. She gave me a song and dance about her phone not working right, although it was fine when I called. Said the numbers were busy and she would phone later. I asked her to call me back after she spoke with them or her doctor and as of yet have heard nothing. That tells me that she wants to remain in control. She has this silly notion that I must call her as she is the "Mother". I wont be calling again, it is now up to her. Thanks again for being here for me. You never know you just might have saved my sanity


Ok Ok so its too late to save that but you get my drift. LOL
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Old December 11th, 2006, 09:14 PM   #36
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it's never to late
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Old December 17th, 2006, 04:07 PM   #37
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(((Shana)))
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Old December 19th, 2006, 11:26 AM   #38
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Wink Oh gee dagnabbit

((Seo Rjfeminist Shana)))

Gee whiz didnt know that having sanity was part of being here! LOL Cause if it did well I would be sad. Ya see, ya'll are the other family I have. Which makes me one blessed lady. With the family I see everyday, the native family I see whenever I can, I know this family keeps me from losing all my marbles.

Ya'll make sure that things make sense and to remind me that its not that bad.

Although recent things since Thanksgiving was pretty bad. Yet since a week ago this past Thursday, things are much improved. Yet its great to know when its not, ya'll are there. However I seem to realize that some here are upset over this being posted.

But I am doing the best I can which is more than what I have been advised by others to do. I must do what I feel is right.

In time I hope others understand, if not, blessing them all the way and loving them for being who they are.

Alas,
Have a great day!
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Old December 19th, 2006, 02:18 PM   #39
seo58
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(((((((((((Wolf_angel))))))))

Yes I agree with you. This is my family too
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Old January 8th, 2007, 12:32 AM   #40
shana1
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Hi again wonderful women. I was embarrassed to come here again and I feel like a complete fool but I have to come and explain. After my last whine in here, my mother was rushed to hospital. She didnt have bursitus at all but terminal cancer. She hid this from everyone and I guess had her reasons. Secrecy has been a big part of our family life and it has done great harm to many of us. For the past month I have been dealing with hospitals and all that goes with a mother dying. I am closer to my mother now than ever in my lifetime and I am thankful for that. I no longer resent any time I spend with her and only wish now I understood our relationship before it had to come to this. It would take me a lifetime to explain it all to you but I am embarrassed I was so harsh about my mother and the things that made us drift apart. I wont beat myself up about any of it but I have learned a very hard lesson with it all. You all have given me so much strength and comfort over the years that there is no way I can thank you because it seems so little to just say thank you. My lack of understanding embarrasses me now but I can live with that. My mother is now in hospice and no one knows how long she has but I know I will be at her side till the end. I am alright as I have found a strength greater than I imagined and with it I know I can deal with anything that comes my way. Again thank you all for being who you are and allowing me to not only gain comfort here but to grow as a human being.
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Old January 8th, 2007, 06:00 AM   #41
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{{{{{ shana }}}}}
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Old January 8th, 2007, 12:52 PM   #42
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{{{{{shana}}}}}

We Love You. Our Thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family.
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Old January 8th, 2007, 03:31 PM   #43
shana1
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((( Tango Allie)))) Thank you !
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Old January 8th, 2007, 03:59 PM   #44
seo58
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((((((((((((((shana&family))))))))))))


No need to feel embarassed, we are here to listen and as you know our situations are similar as far as mothers go and I would be doing the same thing you are right now. It's now that's important. Like I have told you, I admire you, your strong and you can deal with anything. Will have to call you wonderwomanshana

Lots of love from all of us
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Old January 8th, 2007, 04:07 PM   #45
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Shana,

I am sorry to hear that your mother has cancer.

May all past pains be dissolved, forgiveness abound, and love given freely.

Enjoy moments that you will be able to share with your Mom.

But remember to take care of yourself! It won?t do anyone good if you get run down trying to be superwoman. And that?s exactly how you feel you must be ? you put on that brave face each time you step into their room; smiling and joking , smart & understanding in medical issues, being a concerned / loving daughter, and then handling all your own home front and work stuff too. So make sure to take time each day away from it all to give peace to yourself so that you can continue to be the wonderful person you are.
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