Hush: Silence Of The Hams

Vick's Rating: (as a thriller)
(as a comedy) and 1/2

= There's two hours of my life I'll never see again. Is it too late to ask for my money back?
= They could have done SO much better. Wait for the video.
= Not bad at all. Some solid work.
= Wow! I'm very impressed. I might go see this one again.
= For the love of all that is good and kind in the world, what an amazing movie!!!

Directed by Jonathan Darby

Cast: Martha Baring...Jessica Lange
Helen.........Gwyneth Paltrow
Jackson.....Johnathon Schaech
Alice Baring........Nina Foch
Dr. Hill.........Hal Holbrook
Lisa...............Debi Mazar

Whoohoo! Every now and again it's refreshing to see a movie so frightfully bad, so unapologetically cheesy and so incredibly over-the-top that you can't help but wonder how and why it was ever made in the first place. A movie with a silly script, some fromage-y performances and enough unintentional laughs that you really start to enjoy the fact that you're not really enjoying it for the reasons the filmmakers probably intended.

"Hush" is just such a movie.

Sandwiched between the end of Oscar Season and the beginning of the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza--a time when studios usually drag out their painfully average fare--"Hush" is a film so bad that it's funny. The story is straightforward enough: psycho mother Martha Baring (Jessica Lange) has some serious attachment issues to her son, Jackson (Johnathon Schaech), and takes a strong dislike to his girlfriend, Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow)...even more so when she becomes his wife after the duo announce that they're expecting a baby. Soon, Martha's plotting her new daughter-in-law's untimely and somewhat unpleasant demise in a bid to take over the childrearing duties for her new grandchild and, one would assume, have her son all to herself. Eeeeew!

Faster than you can say "Grab the Lithium!" Martha is creeping around the mansion she calls home, spying on her son and his wife. Sporting a wickedly evil grin that would turn any mortal to stone, and constantly waving a cigarette around to illustrate her demented little points, Martha for some strange reason doesn't raise anyone's suspicions about her mental stability. No, really, it's perfectly normal to chat with your daughter-in-law's gynecologist about exactly how much medication would be required to induce labor. Hello?! The only person, naturally, who thinks there might be something a smidge off-kilter about Martha is Helen but, as is the case with movies like this one, no one believes her. Oh, except for Jackson's sage old grandmother (Nina Foch), who's wise to Martha's homicidal tendencies and has, for that very reason, been banished to a nursing home by the aforementioned crackpot and denied contact with just about everyone.

The movie is basically a series of implausibilities with a whole bunch of shrieking and screaming and melodrama and glaring and running crammed in between. There's little suspense, since most of the plot twists are totally predicatable and, more often than not, so obvious that the producers might as well have had a little man pop up in the bottom corner of the screen with a sign reading, "See! Foreshadowing! We're clever!"

The main problem I had with the movie, though, was the cast. Namely: what were they thinking when they signed on for this film??? This could easily have been a straight-to-video schlockfest starring Shannon Tweed and Alyssa Milano, but it actually boasts a cast of respected actors. Well, respected until now, anyway. Jessica Lange walks around this movie like she's suppressing a rage so intense that unleashing it might bring about the apocalypse--she's all shaky line readings, bulging eyes, sideways glances and cackling laughs. She's a bad caricature of a bad caricature of a psychotic character, and the audience with whom I saw the film couldn't help but howl every time she clawed her way onscreen. She was way, way, way over-the-top. As for Gwyneth Paltrow...I'm at a loss. This film is so beneath her but, in all fairness, she does a decent job with the questionable dialogue and character she's been given. And Johnathon Schaech? His directions seem to have been, "Try to look like you're posing for a JCrew catalogue." Impeccably dressed but dumb as a fencepost, his character is the token "I'm-Too-Blind-To-Notice-That-My-Doting-Mother-Is-A-Raving-Loony" guy, and that makes his final scenes opposite Lange all the more excruciatingly funny.

All that said, "Hush" is still entertaining. It certainly elicits conversation afterwards and is a moderately fun ride throughout. You just have to abandon any lofty notions about it actually being a "thriller," because it really isn't one.

Vick's Oscar Picks

With the annual best-of-film ceremony just around the corner, I thought I'd offer up my predictions as to who will walk away with trophies come March 23. This way, I either look very knowledgable and astute by correctly picking the winners, or completely out of touch with reality by guessing incorrectly all around. Either way, my one sure-fire tip for winning your office Oscar pool is: wherever you see it nominated, with the exception of the acting awards, pick "Titanic." Chances are, it's going to win most of the categories in which it's nominated, much like "The English Patient" did last year.

As for the Big Six:

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR will probably go to Robin Williams. He was the best thing about "Good Will Hunting," in my opinion. A longshot might be Burt Reynolds, as the sentimental (who'da thunk it?) choice for "Boogie Nights."

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS could be an upset if I get my way. Yes, we all know how nice it would be for Gloria Stuart ("Titanic") to win, but isn't that what everyone said about Lauren Bacall last year? Kim Basinger ("L.A. Confidential")? Oh, I really hope not. Somehow I don't see her peers taking her that seriously. My money's on Joan Cusack for "In and Out."

BEST ACTOR will be a tough call. The odds are pretty much even for Jack Nicholson ("As Good As It Gets") and Peter Fonda ("Ulee's Gold"), but Robert Duvall's work in "The Apostle" could sneak right past both of them.

BEST ACTRESS will be an even tighter race. Judi Dench is the frontrunner for her role as Queen Victoria in "Mrs. Brown," having already won the Golden Globe for that performance. But Oscar voters are a fickle bunch and they could very well give the nod to Helen Hunt for her understated turn as a troubled waitress in "As Good As It Gets." I'm leaning towards Hunt.

BEST DIRECTOR will go to James Cameron ("Titanic"). Period.

BEST PICTURE? "Titanic." Hands down.

So grab your ballots, make your selections and tune in Monday night, March 23, at 9:00pm ET to enjoy (or not!) the festivities.

Vickie, a self-confessed movie addict, has spent the last few years working at an entertainment magazine in Canada. When she's not toiling away at her computer in the office, she's toiling away at her computer at home-- hacking away at unfinished screenplays and planning her acceptance speech for the Academy Awards.