Correspondence From My Sister

by Donna deMedicis

I was nine when my sister Lisa was born. From a quirky little brown-eyed baby, she's grown into a quirky brown-eyed woman. So bright that she scares me sometimes. She sends quirky emails. I love them. It is only right that I share a sample of these quirky emails on various topics of discussion. Please note that names and addresses have been deleted to protect the innocent.

On my daughter Elana's impending motherhood:

From: Lisa
To: Elana
Subject: Re: Madison's imminent arrival
Date: Tuesday, December 30, 1997 9:39 PM

Now, as a biologist, I know how these things are SUPPOSED to go, but never having done it myself, I don't know how it actually goes. I have seen numerous childbirth movies, and the one I saw in zoology at Wofford took place in a basement during a tornado and the mother delivered on a ping-pong table and then wrapped the baby in newspaper. Just think, Lanie, you will not have to birth Madison on a ping-pong table, and if you're too uncomfortable, the doctors can give you something to make you feel better. Granny did it, your mother did it, Judy did it, Joan and Lorrie did it, and not one of them did it on a ping-pong table.

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On becoming Madison's great aunt:

From: Lisa
Subject: Her Maddiness and Other Stuff
To: Elana
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 1998 19:37:28 -0500

I saw that Her Maddiness refused her Great Grandmother's first email. I also emailed her on the day she was born (I sent it from work). Did she refuse that message as well? Sheesh...what an attitude!!! It is up to you to discipline her for such acts. I suggest withholding the breast. No, wait, don't do that!!! That will surely cause some sort of psychic trauma and she'll be in therapy when she's 20 with some lifelong fear of mountains or other breast-like objects!

Since I will be coming home on Sat, Feb.14 (I think), I would give you guys a Valentine's present, which would be some cash so you could go out and eat and see a movie or something. I would stay with Madison. I know you just got Madison, and hate to leave her, even for a few hours, but you could celebrate her birth and know that she was just fine. (Lane, I know I tormented you in childhood, but I never ever let any physical harm come to you, and besides, that was when you were a young child, not an infant, and I was a very troubled early teen. Things are very different now, and Madison would love it when I sang her those Elvis lullabies.)

I just bathed Blaise. She's squeaky clean and I have discovered that gin-and-tonic can make bathing a dog a pretty fun happening on a Saturday night!

I love you. Tell Madison that I am her FAVORITE Great Aunt. Remember...I have no children of my own and SOMEBODY has to collect the life insurance. It will go to the person who makes the best choice of nursing homes.

Lovies,
Lisa

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From: Lisa
To: Donna
Subject: Baby swing for Madison
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 10:18:22 -0500

Unless I am told otherwise, I am getting Madison a baby swing from my coworker. Her baby has outgrown it. I know she deals in good stuff because she's the woman from whom I bought my tent and lawn mower.

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From: Lisa
Subject: Madison's Baby Swing
To: Donna
Date: Sun, 08 Mar 1998 15:53:30 -0500

I have gotten Madison a lovely Graco baby swing. I am trying to decide how to get it to her. There's no rush since I think she is still too teeny-wee to use it, but I don't want her to miss out on any rollicking swing fun.

Lisa

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On being a dog owner:

From: Lisa
Subject: This irony was bound to happen
To: Donna
Date: Sat, 28 Feb 1998 21:05:09 -0500

Blaise and I each have an infection in the left ear. And we're both shaking our head and pawing at the infected ear. She has some antibiotics left from her last one, and I'm going to the doctor on Monday. But if I start to smell like her, I trust you will not hold it against me.

Lisa

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On dealing with pet graves that shift after a very rainy winter:

From: Lisa Subject: Help Laura with her pony grave
To: Donna
Date: Sat, 28 Feb 1998 18:02:37 -0500

Donna, meet Laura. Laura also works at (name removed to protect this innocent corporation who has never agreed to be a part of my column). She's a dynamo. She got her Master's degree while raising 12 children and tending to 4 husbands and a herd of wild ponies and working 60 or 70 hours a week at xxx. We could've done that, you know, if Mama had not raised us to be lazy and slovenly and kill our pets and bury them in shallow graves.

Laura, meet Donna, my sister. You've read her emails and her monthly column. You've laughed with her, cried with her, and you have your own shallow equine grave to worry about.

Donna, I told Laura just yesterday about your dearly departed Dusty and his sink-hole of a grave. Coincidentally, she also lost a pony about the same time Dusty died. She, too, has a grave, and we, too, have had much rain here in North Carolina. (DARN that El Nino!!!) Although, the soil was once mounded high upon her pony's grave, it is now flat as a flitter. Need she fear her pony will suffer Dusty's fate? How deep was Dusty's grave? What has Alvin done to deal with the problem of Dusty's pony remains rising to the surface? (Besides sob, I mean.) Please email Laura. She practically knows you. She gave me information on steel wool safety when Elana worked in the Brillo factory. She knows all about Elana running away with the Pizza Boy. She reads your column every month. Talk to her, as a sister on Planet Earth, and tell her what she should tell her children when her moldering pony rises from the grave.

Lovies,
Lisa

Donna deMedicis is one of Women Online Worldwide's oldest WOWs, in terms of seniority. Donna is a supervisor in a nuclear facility, which should make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It does us She hosts two chats every week in WomensSpace, "Sunday Brunch" at 1PM PT (4PM ET), and the "Our Moms" chat on Thursdays at 6PM PT (9PM ET) with MotownWOW. At the moment, Donna is thinking of changing the topic for the Thursday chat, as she is tired of talking about her mama.

We have encouraged Donna to share her sometimes twisted viewpoint in this monthly column, as a form of therapy for Donna. We have worked closely with her and she has agreed that she will no longer automatically kick NY Yankees fans from WomensSpace.